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The 25 Scariest Things About Turning 25

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While I savor these last few months before my upcoming 25th birthday, I feel it’s important to reflect on the existential tribulations that come along with it. And while I’m more than aware of how very young 25 still is, it doesn’t lessen the blow of these changes to remember that 30 will be more difficult. Let’s not talk about 30.

1. No longer being able to say, with what feels like complete impunity, “I’m in my early 20s.”

2. Realizing that there was a lot of your behavior and general decision-making that you blamed on being in your early 20s, or at least felt excused from because you were just “figuring it out.”

3. Feeling the ever-growing chasm between the friends who have “careers” and the friends who have “jobs,” and wondering what side of it is even better to be on. (Are you drowning in work that you’re not even sure you love? Are you not doing something “professional” enough? Are you being left behind, or are you giving up a social life in order to feel grown up?)

4. Finally understanding the separations that happen by income amongst adults, and realizing that the reason people who make a lot of money and people who make not so much money don’t really hang out is because it’s often really, really uncomfortable.

5. The fact that you have exes that now have children.

6. Feeling your dating habits go from “Hahaha let’s just float around and see what happens” to “Dear God, please just let me find someone who isn’t a sociopath and will spoon with me on a regular basis.”

7. No longer being freaked out when you see that a friend is getting married, because that shit is just cropping up left, right, and center at this point.

8. Starting to actually see the occasional person in your social periphery get divorced, and realizing that people have acted out entire marital arcs while you were still trying to find a studio apartment that had a microwave in it.

9. The moment when you realize, while waist-deep in various forms that you do not understand, that this “paying taxes” thing is not only real, but something that is only going to get progressively worse for the rest of your life.

10. The declining acceptability of having the cheapest of everything — no more kitchens with entirely mismatched dining sets, no more ordering only the least expensive drink over and over at the bar, no more not sending gifts to all the people who send you one at holidays.

11. Jesus Christ, Christmas presents are so expensive.

12. Waking up in the morning and realizing that, with each passing day, you are less and less tolerant of raucous nights out, and even a few glasses of average wine is enough to give you a small hangover.

13. In a classroom setting, you now completely relate to the teachers, and not the students. All you can do is wonder why kids are such assholes, and hope that you were never that much of an asshole yourself (even though you know you probably were).

14. Being angsty and reclusive now mostly just prevents you from gainful employment, instead of making you all cool and mysterious.

15. The only thing you have to look forward to in terms of societal growth is being able to rent a car, and compared to being able to drink, it’s just about the lamest life milestone you can possibly imagine.

16. Starting to realize all of the things your parents had accomplished, achieved, and decided by the time you were their age — and knowing, without even thinking about it, that you aren’t even close to any of those things in your own life.

17. Wanting, on one hand, to be able to invite family over to your home for the holidays, and simultaneously taking deep comfort in the idea that you get to go home and be a kid again for a week or so.

18. The moment when you discover how expensive weddings are — and not even when you are the one getting married. Every time one of your friends or cousins ties the knot, you’re basically shilling out between 500 and 1,000 dollars, just to watch two people be happy in front of you and get a couple free glasses of champagne.

19. Knowing that this is the time that you should be a help, instead of a burden, for your parents, and feeling ashamed at the fact that you’re not close to making that transition.

20. Acutely noticing when things are not being marketed to you anymore, and not understanding some of the pop culture or internet-based stuff you’re seeing pop up around you.

21. Feeling the growing tenseness in your friends when they have a breakup, because there’s this weird undertone of “How much longer do I have to go through these disappointing relationships, because I’m trying to settle down at some point.”

22. Wrinkles and pimples at the same time!!! I call them pinkles. (✿◠‿◠)

23. The constant, overbearing need to think about and justify “what you are doing with your life,” as though anyone ever had a satisfactory answer to that question.

24. Seeing babies and feeling that clench in the ovaries of “Woah, I want to eat that little baby’s toes off and have it for my own.” (This goes triple if said baby is being carried around lovingly by a stone-cold DILF.)

25. Wanting desperately to retain a sense of spontaneity and adventure, but feeling it become increasingly incompatible with the life you live and the kind of goals you have for the future. It almost feels like mourning a person, because you know there is at least some version of yourself that is no longer really alive. TC mark

Get The Best of Chelsea Fagan in her new Thought Catalog Book here.

TC Site

image – Marta Starbucks

Watch The World’s Most Cringeworthy Proposal On The Today Show

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I think we all love a good proposal video, but sometimes they’re even better when they go wrong. And this one, which starts off just about as awkward and stilted as a proposal could be, only seems to get worse as it goes. The crowd cheers, but she seems pained and upset. He completely stole her moment. And why did he talk about himself for the first two-ish minutes of this? Just everything about this feels uncomfortable, and you get the sense that there was a long, quiet car ride home from this. Yikes. TC mark

30 Non-Americans On The American Norms They Find Weird

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It’s easy to forget that what’s normal for us is completely strange to others, but it’s nice to take a step back and hear what’s considered odd, straight from the mouths (or fingers) of foreigners. For more check out the original post on Reddit here.

1. orde216

Your toilets are too low down and the stalls have massive gaps around the door so that people can see in.
You can put a man on the moon but can’t design a setup whereby I can have a shit in comfortable privacy. Sort it out America.

2. funfwf

A few things:
political correctness. Americans are so scared to insult people or be considered racist. I’d joke around with someone then later get a text message from them apologising. It was quite humorous. Edit: I sometimes had the question “y’all and new zealanders don’t like each other right?” I had to explain that making fun of someone usually meant we were cool with you.
Why is bread in the USA so sweet? Sandwich bread, hamburger buns, taste like cake but Americans have no idea what you’re talking about because they’re used to it.
Fried sushi. Yep the yanks have gotten one of the world’s healthiest foods and “fixed” it. Fucking delicious though. I miss it.
Soft drink is free flowing, everywhere. McDonalds you get a gigantic cup for a dollar – it comes with unlimited refills. Even at a restaurant if you half finish your coke the waitress will bring you another one. The first time you’re like “hey i didn’t order this” but then you realise it’s free.
I loved the service in the US at restaurants and bars. I realise they’re doing it for tips but it shits all over service you get at home in Australia.
At bars you order a mixed drink (say a vodka coke) and they’ll free flow the alcohol! And so cheap! We used to frequent dollar drinks places… EDIT: By this I meant they don’t measure out the alcohol in the drink. In Australia the bloke pulls out a little shot glass and will give you not one drop more than a 30mL shot. In the States the dude just pours the bottle over you cup for a while then adds some soda. EDIT AGAIN: I’ve since been informed that the extra booze was all an illusion. Turns out the drinks taste stronger because in the US they had 44mL compared to our standard 30mL.
I spent 6 months living in the USA this year, I had a great time but there are some peculiarities. I’m Aussie.



3. alithia

Portion Sizes.
Flags everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Price tags without tax included.
Tipping: We don’t do it in Australia. For someone who has never had to do it, it was incredibly hard for me to wrap my head about how much is appropriate for the service. I find it especially hard because overall I find the service too pushy. Please leave me alone :(.
Randomly talking to strangers: On talking to folks randomly. I don’t mean polite conversations. When I participated in student exchange there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of really probing conversations. Things I normally wouldn’t chat about on a first conversation. I am pretty private as a person, so I admit this skews my view.
Advertising prescription drugs.
Everything being designed around cars.

4. norney

Choice. Buying a sandwich was utterly bewildering the first few times.
For example, in the UK a typical exchange between me and sandwich guy might go like this over the period of 30 seconds:
Me: “Can I have a ham sandwich please”
SG: “White or brown?”
Me: “Brown”
SG: “Any salad or sauces?”
Me: “Lettuce and mayo please”
SG: “Here you go. That’ll be £15 million, and your car and your house.”
Similar exchange in the US, over ten minutes:
Me: “Can I have a ham sandwich please”
SG: (over-enthusistically) “Sure thing, Sir! Which of these two thousand varieties of bread would you like today?” (None of which qualify as bread, but that’s another subject…)
Me: “Oh, er, not sure really. That one please”
SG: “Sure! That’s a multi-grained-crap-tasting-full-o-sugar-shit-fest-foot-long-sub-roll. Do you want enough ham to sink a battleship, or would you prefer just enough to make you shit like a bear for an entire week?”
Me: “Erm, I’ll go for merely enough to induce meat-sweats for 8 hours, thanks”
SG: “What kind of cheese are you after?”
Me: “What have you got?”
SG: “Montery Jack, Jack-o-Lantern, Jack of all Trades, Tastes of Jack Shit, Chilli-Jack, Rubbery-Jack and Jackie Chan.”
Me: “No Cheddar then. I’ll go for Monterey Jack”
SG: “Gherkins Pickles?”
Me: (confused and overwhelmed by all the choice) “Can I just have the sandwich now?”
SG: “Sure! I just need to know what else you want on it. Jalapenos?”
Me: (exasperated): “No, thanks but re…”
SG: “…Olives? Cucumber? Lettuce? Relish?”
Me: (eyes glazed over): “No, thank you, it’s fine as it is”
SG: “Toasted, roasted, basted? Mayo, coleslaw, salt or pepper?”
Me: “No, thank you, really, the sandwich is fine as it is, please can I have it now before I starve to death?”
SG: (confused) “Sure thing! Here you go. That’ll be $0.000000001 please”

5. NoDownvotesPlease

Advertising prescription drugs.
That was the weirdest one for me. “ask your doctor for brand x antidepressants” type commercials on TV.
In the UK, your doctor tells you what drugs you should take, not the other way round.

6. Valken

A very blasé approach to credit card security. Signatures don’t matter and no one uses a PIN.

7. EcumenicalMatter

The pledge of allegiance is creepy as fuck. I know most Americans just say it because they have to in school but if you listen to the words it sounds strange to have children just chanting it off

8. -sasha-

Public Bathroom/Restroom doors!
There are gaps at the sides. You can see people walking by while you’re peeing, so weird!
I’m from the UK.

9. MOOzikmktr

I’m American, but a visiting Italian friend was very puzzled at Americans’ use of the phrase, “Oh, really?” in group conversations. Somehow he took that as a person challenging his opinion, when in reality, it’s just some habit a lot of us have that basically means, “Interesting. Can you elaborate?” The guy was red in the face after an hour because he literally thought everyone in our group was challenging every single thing he said.

10. kevmo

I know I’m 6,000 comments too late, but I had a co-worker once who came to the US from India in the 70′s around Halloween time. He thought everybody was fucking nuts because everywhere he went all he saw was skeletons.

11. davokenobi

Guns.
Went to this sport shop to buy goggles. In Texas. At one end of the store the biggest collections of rifles, guns, machetes and army gadget I’ve ever seen. So I decide to snap a picture to send home and the shop assistant comes and say “Sir, I’m so sorry” “Oh, I can’t take a picture?” “No, go ahead, I’m sorry we don’t have ammos anymore”. (It was a couple of weeks after the school shooting – Sandy Hook).
When I then told this to my Texan friends I realised all of them (even at the wedding I was invited to) had at least one gun, if not several. When they told me it was for self-defense and I told them we don’t have that many guns in Europe they asked me what would I do to defend myself and they laughed their ass of when I replied “well, I run!”

12. eifos

Holy shit American bread is awful. We stopped eating burgers and sandwiches after a couple of days cos, I swear, all the bread was full of sugar. Towards the end of or trip we ate at a lovely Italian restaurant that had beautiful bread. Never knew we were so passionate about food until that trip, but damn we missed good bread!

13. springi

People ordering a large soda even though there is a free refill

14. AmandaHerps1

You are all so loud! But friendly. I thought americans were amazing

15. greenandgold52

Pickles. Your hidden love for pickles. I have been in the states for like 8 years and you guys give a pickle with everything.

16. IltalehdenToimitus

When I was young and naive, I learned from online forums that Americans took shits that clogged their toilets. I assumed that Americans take massive shits that we Europeans just can’t match (after all, everything is bigger in America)
When I came to US, I learned that they just have different toilets with small hole that gets clogged. European toilets never do that. They have bigger hole. You can put tennis ball trough it.

17. SocraticDiscourse

The weird institutional support for social hierarchies in the education system. In other countries, parents and teachers try to encourage kids to treat everyone the same, but in the US they actually seem to reinforce the idea that some are better than others. Having a Mr & Mrs Popular that get formally appointed “prom king” and “prom queen” and everyone is supposed to clap for them is just ridiculously elitist. Equally the whole sorority and fraternity system, where people get into the club based on other members ranking them as people and they then try to collectively climb the social cool level by having parties with cooler clubs of the other gender. It’s really fucked up, and most of them encourage a sort of 18 year old view of the world that most Europeans of a similar age have grown out of.

18. bankergoesrawrr

There’s a special occasion that can be commercialized almost every month. My room-mate’s mom is awesome and she’ll send us care packages every month. I was amazed there’s a special occasion every month and there’s always cookies, knick knacks, candy, accessories, clothes, etc. that’s made just for it.
Jan: New Year/welcome back from your break!
Feb: Valentine’s day
Mar: St Patty’s day
Apr: Easter
She didn’t send any for summer since we’re usually studying abroad/traveling, so no idea.
Sep: Back to school
Oct: Halloween
Nov: Thanksgiving
Dec: Christmas
I’m not complaining but damn there’s a lot to get excited about!

19. Dforssi

For me the weirdest thing was landing at JFK in 2007. First time visiting the US and starting from the border control it was pretty fucked up in my opinion. We spent hours waiting in line with fully armed national guard members watching over us, overly suspicious passport control and those “Are you/are your family involved in slave trading with the kingdom of Babylon by orders of Ramesses II?” waivers. It was all overly suspicious and did not really feel welcome to the country after being watched by soldiers and questioned by customs officers like I’d be traveling to a war torn third world country.
On the other hand, the flags and general patriotism was really weird.

20. jamesnufc

I’m a non-American living in the US, here are a few things I have noticed:
-Eating salad before the main course…wtf
-Called the main course an ‘entree’
-Having a ridiculous amount of flags
-The number of shitty commercials on major cable channels, not to mention the number of shitty TV shows that somehow get constant airtime
-Tax not included in price in shops
-In some cities (not all) people give you strange looks if you walk around the city and don’t drive (saw this in Houston a lot)
-How poverty is so rife in nearly every major city

21. Flapjack_Ace

American chocolate sucks.

22. yyoyyo

Lawyer adverts, everywhere.
Proper Saul Goodman style lawyer adverts. The rented villa we stayed in had at least 4 fridge magnets advertising lawyers, brochures with more lawyers lay around the villa, adverts on TV constatly with more lawyers.
It was weird.
Other than that the usual stuff that’s already been said, tipping, your terrible chocolate (except m&ms), waving big signs etc.

23. Source_Australian

How poor the taste of fruit and veg is. I spent 3 years and visited most of the states and never found them to taste right. I’ve had avocados in poor markets in Turkey that would make you moan. Tomatoes in rural Vietnam that would eat like an apple because they were perfect. For a 1st world country, the produce is worse than 2nd and 3rd world countries.

24. Chairman19

The level of homelessness was a huge shock to me. And I feel like a lot of people spit in the street, from street thugs to businessmen in suits.

25. ermintwang

How many VERSIONS of every food product there are. You can’t just have one thing, it has to come in blueberry, vanilla, diet, low fat, low sodium, big, small, round and GRAPE, everything is grape flavoured. Nothing is grape flavoured in the UK.

26. Toby_O_Notoby

As an American that lived overseas for most of his life the one thing I’ve heard over and over again is newspaper dispenser machines. The kind where you put a couple of quarters in, open the drawer and take out one newspaper.
Everyone always says “Where I come from, they’d take all the newspapers!” What you are going to do with more than one copy of the day’s paper is beyond me.

27. keko191

Wearing shoes in the house… What the fuck are you doing? You step in all nasty shit, for example, if you stepped on a fruit then walked all over your living room then thats how you get ants.

28. fingerprince

I find it really weird how college football players are kind of celebrities. They’re scrutinized and have fans and do TV interviews, and it just boggles my mind so much. They’re just students that do an extra-curricular activity! I don’t understand.

29. ghostpoet06

About 80% of Americans i met didn’t trust their government (don’t blame them though)
TV is weird in America, constant advertisement & there is blatant propaganda from both Fox & CNN. No neutral political new network it seemed.
Food wastage is unreal in America!
But Americans are nice people, nothing but love for them!

30. Waceronm

Big list of everything I remember being different when I visited the US:
Everything is very far away. Big country, I guess.
Americans are very loud, laugh a lot and can also be a bit touchy-feely. Not that this is bad; when I was in the US, everyone was very friendly and I had a great time. But they’re always laughing and shouting and going “Oh my god”, it’s like everything is super exciting for them. The bit that was kind of strange was that they’d often touch my arms or shoulders or hair, or gesture towards me. That’s something that’s generally a bit intimate and intrusive in England. Again, everyone was friendly so I’m not saying this to be mean, but it does take some getting used to, because it’s a bit in-your-face at first.
Weird as hell ice cream flavours. I bought “dinosaur eggs”-flavour that was blue with chocolate eggs in in a regular supermarket. Is this an American thing, or a strange-town-I-visited thing?
Motorised mobility wheelchairs in supermarkets. I’ve only ever seen maybe 1 or 2 emergency-only selfies in Tesco, but in the US, they had a lot of these and you could walk right up and take them if you wanted to. It seems strange, that someone who needs a motorised wheelchair wouldn’t have their own, but I think this could be a knock-on effect of expensive healthcare, maybe…?
Jaywalking is a crime? I did this a lot in the US without realising it was supposed to be illegal (albeit one of those crimes no one really ever gets caught for). Oops. Sorry, guys!
Flags all over the place. Flags are a little more common in England since the Olympics and royal wedding though.
Bread is sweet and chocolate isn’t? Pancakes for breakfast was weird too, but there was an IHOP right next to our hotel and that was pretty great. I kinda miss it.
Waiters that are really, REALLY pushy about special offers. OK, you already told me I get free chips if I get a Large burger, but I didn’t even want a burger. No, please don’t tell me about all the extras and sides I could get for the burger as well. I DON’T WANT IT.
Sarcasm and self-depreciating humour is not as well-recieved. As someone who uses a lot of self-depreciating humour, Americans were always trying to comfort me after I made a joke about myself. In England, people tended just laugh or join in by making a similar joke about themselves. It was rather sweet though.
Toilets with giant door gaps. Why, why, why?
Terraced and semi-detached buildings are not very common at all, and streets are really wide. I suppose because most of American buildings were built relatively recently, whereas a lot of Britain was built up before cars were around, so we often have smaller streets and compact houses.
I’m a big lover of documentaries, but I could not watch them in the US. There is lots and lots and lots and LOTS of talking, cartoon sound effects, and loud music. You could be watching a lion lazily looking at a gazelle miles away and it’s blaring music that sounds like an action film finale, whilst the narrator talks about lions for twelve paragraphs using all sorts of weird, casual expressions, and every time the gazelle moves it plays a loud “BWOOOIING” sound effect. Well, that was an exeggeration, but do you get what I mean? It felt like – and I don’t know how true this is – that documentaries in the US are treated like educational shows for reluctant children whose parents made them watch it, rather than proper a series an adult might watch out of genuine interest.
This sounds so patronising and I’m really sorry if it is but… we went to a lot of theme parks and it always entertained us how Americans say “vehicle”.
Not a difference but also pretty funny: Americans seem to underestimate what foreigners know about the US. I know you say “eggplant”, “cilantro”, “restroom” and “truck” instead of “aubergine”, “coriander”, “loo” and “lorry”. We get tonnes of films and TV programmes and books from the US, probably more than you get from Britain, so we have heard these terms before! Again, though, I do appreciate their consideration, but it’s still a bit funny how they act as if you’re learning a whole new language being there.
Another apology for if this sounded patronizing or mean-spirited. People from the US were all very lovely people when I went there, I had a wonderful time, and I mean no offence. TC Mark

31 People Reveal The Weird Habit That They Hope Everyone Else Has

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From the weirdos at AskReddit.

1. very-friENTly

I have full conversations with myself about hypothetical situations that usually won’t happen.

2. cirocinmycup

Does anyone else get random pains in virtually every part of the body? My arm will suddenly hurt for a few seconds, 2 days later my balls are in terrible pain for like 3 short seconds and then gone. This has pretty much been going on as long as I remember.

3. ididthatoncetoo

I’m constantly worrying that other people are judging me based on totally innocuous things.

People in restaurants are looking down on me for eating alone. Runners are looking down on me for walking. The people behind me in line hate me for taking to long to put away my change. My waiter is judging me for having a complicated order.

The list goes on and on.

4. InvisibleMirrors

Eye contact. Do I make too much or too little? If one of my classmates/ friends comes by to talk to me while I work is it okay to just chat without eye contact or very little? Also, what if I’m cross-eyed or have a lazy eye and no one wants to tell me?

5. jjswee

Every little aspect of my life I over analyze. Its normal to me now, but when I think about (like right now) It starts to bug me.

The other day I had three hard boiled eggs I wanted to eat. I sat there trying to decide which to eat first. Sigh.

6. wrathtubs

Do other people rehearse their orders at restaurants? Even if I’m just in the cafeteria and i have to choose which food I want, I’ll stop all of my conversation from the few seconds leading up to the order until I’m safely away from whomever is serving me. I also go over my ‘lines’ in my head whenever I think I may have to speak to a random stranger. Is this normal?

7. LecheDeLlama

Is my breath supposed to smell bad in the morning?

8. spencersauruss

My fellow lady friend says she shaves her ju-ha on the daily! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!! If I shave mine I have to wait a good 3 days before even thinking about re-shaving because of the razor burn.

tl;dr My vagina is angry and stubbly

9. Tornado_With_Guns

When meeting anyone 1-on-1 for the first time, I run a marathon race in my head of things to say to keep the conversation flowing. At the same time, I secretly wish someone else would show up to share the burden.

10. WTFPaulWI

Complete opposite here, my brain shuts down completely and I can’t think of a single thing to say…. Bring on the awkward silence.

11. AtomicJellyWorm

Just simply talking. Do other people think my voice sounds stupid? Too high-pitched? Voice cracks? Awkwardly deep voice? It’s especially worse when I listen to myself on video. It’s a cringe-fest. I’m usually fine/don’t notice but someone points something out or I notice something and suddenly it’s the only thing I can think of and I don’t want to converse with anyone anymore.

12. DrDino11

My internal train of thought. My mind usually wanders to a million different places…then, when I think about thinking, I get a little uneasy as there are two different ‘layers of thoughts’ going on. One which is the normal one and the second which is analyzing the first.

Not sure I phrased this in a way that completely makes sense..

13. ecstaticeggplant

Shaving. How the fuck do other ladies shave their knees? I think I missed that lesson in Welcome to Womanhood 102…

14. Howboutmanda

What about the back of the thigh? That place is weird.

15. Coupleofsocks

When people say “Say hi to so and so for me.” I never fucking do it.

16. krahl4

Dance. Or any like dance-y workout thing. I did one at the gym and the lady kept grimacing at me like it was paining her to watch me “dance”.

17. tophaat

I hope my chew noise is normal. Too slurpy? Too smacky? Who knows?

18. clownanerd

Someone else’s: I know of a blind guy who plays the guitar with his left hand over the fretboard, rather than under it. Because he picked up a guitar one day and started learning to play and it was a year before anyone had the fucking sense to tell him he was doing it wrong.

Mine: Sleep. Honest to god. It takes me 30 minutes. I have to try 5 different positions. I can’t sleep on my back. I usually eventually fall asleep face down, on my stomach, with my head under the pillow.

19. DrPepper26

The size of my poops. I was told by a doctor friend that your poop should be, on average, the size of a peeled banana. Mine are normally the length of my arm (not circumference guys, just the length).

20. Lnzy1

Female truck driver here. Over the past year I had to figure this one out myself when there were no restrooms to be found. A lot of big cities, ESPECIALLY New York, will not have convenient bathrooms. I found a funnel to be too awkward for me. So here is how I do it:

Biggest tip I have is to save the extra large soda cups from fast food paces. The plastic ones that are pretty flexible. Place the cup between your legs with the back lip of the cup pressing firmly against where your outer vaginal lips end. If it’s too far back, the urine will travel along that built in path and you’ll end up pissing on yourself. The idea is to ‘cut off’ the path for this to happen. Don’t hurt yourself though. Some of those cups are cheap and could very well cut you. And that is a bad place for a paper cut. Once you’re in position as I have described, go ahead and urinate, but start slowly as best you can to make sure you’re not leaking anywhere. It’s very handy to have a napkin or paper towel or a piece of cloth you wouldn’t mind sacrificing (it’s for a good cause) within reach so when you’re finished you can clean off the dribbles that are all but inevitable in such situations.
Unless you’re figure out how to piss straight into a bottle. I haven’t.

Now onto the topic of disposing. If you’re in a place where there is no one around, just throw that piss onto the ground or wherever you feel comfortable doing so. However, if you are in a very public place and need to dispose of pee, you have a few options.

If you’ve planned ahead for this kind of thing, have a small funnel and an empty container on hand. On the truck, I keep empty gallon water jugs for this purpose. Use the funnel to empty the cup into the jug and hid away until an opportune moment arrives to discretely throw it away.

If you’ve used the empty soda cup and have happened to have kept the top, you can usually find a trashcan easily enough to toss it and no one will be the wiser. But don’t go into an establishment to throw it away. Not only will it make their trash cans smell like piss, but then whoever is unfortunate enough to have to change that can that day will hate you for the rest of their lives. It’s rude and nasty. Don’t do it.

21. Azulsea

Talk to myself, usually to reassure myself when something bad happens. Like I’ll say “Oh fuck, that just happened.. oh shit.. calm down, it’s okay, don’t worry… you’re fine!” For some reason it just makes everything so much better.

22. Cheaba

In the shower, I face away. I feel like the water envelopes your whole body better that way. When I try facing the shower I feel like my front is nice and toasty, but my back is like a frozen tundra.

23. griffinrulesdotcom

I hear and see thoughts. I can’t multitask for shit, and that’s always amazed me that people can do that. I’m a pretty smart person, but if I’m watching a video and someone starts talking to me, I will stop fully understanding both of those things.

24. AwesomeNickname

Sometimes when I listen to music (especially Rap and Rock/Metal etc), I like to think about a scenario in my head where I perform the songs live on a big stage with people I know as listeners. I supprise them by my awesome sing/rap skills and I’m just a fucking badass in these moments.

25. DeFex

Sometimes when im cooking i talk to myself like gollum/smeagol “yess, lets have some spice on this precious! we wouldn’t wants it to be booring! ooh no.”

26. Ihavenocomments

Feel love.

I find myself wondering upon occasion if I don’t feel it the way other people do.

27. kngnck

Do other people imagine like totally awesome scenarios in their head when their walking in public?

Like what if a massive spy hunt just happened in front of me or something like that?

28. pandiculations

I always hold my dick when I am taking a poop, too many times it has touched the bowl! I find it normal now but if someone were to walk in on me I feel like I would be doing something out if the ordinary.

29. ad-absurdum

On unhealthy days, I’ll alternate between cheezits and oreos to amplify the sweet/salty flavors of both.

The calorie count is probably higher than a freshman at a kid cudi concert, but it’s so good.

30. vocaltalentz

For females with medium to long hair: Do you pull strands of hair out of your butthole sometimes? Mostly in the shower. It’s such a strange sensation, but I kind of like it. I think it only happens to me because I’ve never seen anyone talk about it, not even on reddit.

31. lagasan

As a guy, the first time you go to wipe and one of your girlfriend’s hairs is not only in your ass, but also wrapped around your balls is a very startling experience. TC mark

image – pthread1981

Whatever Becomes Normal Becomes Invisible

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I spent Friday cleaning out my desk and leaving instructions for my successors.

Having worked as a field surveyor for eight years I had never spent so much of my workday in the office. On a normal day we prepare our field work in the office for the first hour, then head off to a job site. Surveyors are dirt-and-sky people, and tend to get stir crazy if it takes them too long to get out of the office in the morning. They’re allergic to cubicles and photocopiers, and will start to suffocate if they don’t get fresh air. On the rare occasions I’d be in the office in the afternoon, aside from that slow suffocation, it felt unnatural and slightly inappropriate, something like when your friend leaves you alone in his house for twenty minutes while he whips out to the store.

On this final Friday those feeling never arrived, even though I was in the office all the way to 4:30 pm. It felt like I could have been anywhere and it wouldn’t have mattered, like it probably feels in the first few hours after you successfully fake your death.

That feeling, I guess, was the sensation of being released from authority, a weight that had been resting on my mind for long enough for me to forget that it was possible to remove it. For the first time in a long time I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I knew my company-issue Blackberry wasn’t going to ring, I knew nobody was going to ask anything of me. It was like walking up to a glass barrier that had always been there and realizing it was only air.

The rest of the day was full of similarly weird sensations. When I parked my car outside my building, I mentally prepared myself to perform the getting-home ritual I’ve done hundreds of times: heave my laptop bag out of the backseat, collect my equipment from the trunk and farmer’s walk to the door, pin my GPS case against the wall while I fish out my keys, then open two stubborn glass doors, careful not to bang the case against the panes, then unlock my suite and shoulder the door closed before setting everything down in the permanent temporary pile of equipment beside the door.

I had all but done the whole thing in my mind when I realized I no longer have a GPS or a gigantic laptop, and I could just get out of the car and go into the building like a normal person. When I got inside I reached to my side for my Blackberry, to check email one last time (a ritual that sometimes prevented unwelcome surprises in the morning) and found that there was nothing there.

Later that evening, my living room struck me as unnaturally tidy, because there was no dirty equipment there, no field books on the table, and nothing set near the door so that I wouldn’t forget it on the way back out. My car no longer has a Rubbermaid full of engineering drawings in the backseat.

Our lifestyles come with costs, many of which are invisible, or at least become invisible to us once we’re used to paying them. At all times these enormous invisible forces are acting on your life, shaping what it feels like to be you. They only become visible — and only momentarily — when they change.

Yesterday was a day of shifting bedrock, which allowed me to see clearly the rocks and hard places that had been steadily pushing on my life since I got back from overseas.

Most of the shifting is yet to come, and while most of it so far has manifested as different kinds of relief, it’s very early in the transition. There will be, undoubtedly, aspects of my life that become more difficult in ways I haven’t imagined. I have already noticed that this Monday is a holiday (Canadian Thanksgiving) but I’ll be at my desk at sunrise while my former colleagues are getting paid to have the day off. I have to pay for dental work again. I am already flossing more often.

I won’t even begin to learn what my new normal is like until Monday, as this weekend is like any other — catching up on the writing and errands that didn’t fit into my weekday evenings. I’m eager for writing to be what I do at 8am instead of 8pm.

As I wade into the new landscape, I’m trying to remember to notice what invisible pressures are releasing (and mounting) as the terrain of my day-to-day life shifts, before they all congeal into “my normal day” and I lose track of what individual things are weighing on my mind.

Because we’re so immersed in our lifestyles, it’s hard to see what individual parts of them are pushing and pulling on our minds. Imagine trying to describe what a building looks like when you’ve only ever been inside it. Moving parts of our lifestyles around gives us the necessary angles to know what it is we’ve actually built with our decisions about career, relationships and living situation. If they never change we never know what they’re doing to us. TC mark

For more wisdom from David Cain, get his new Thought Catalog Book here.

tc-site2

The 13 Types Of People You Meet In Hell

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Jean-Paul Sartre may have said, “Hell is other people.” What he didn’t mention though was that there are certain types of people who go above and beyond even these expectations. We all have our character flaws, but these types of people have some of the most glaringly ridiculous ones. If you fall into one of the categories though, there’s no need to worry — at least you know your weakness.

1. Desperate Dave

This is the guy you always have to spot. A piece of pizza here, a round of drinks there, maybe even a bigger ticket item like dinner or one of those expensive IMAX 3D movies. “I promise I’ll pay you back, man.” Sure you will, sure you will.

2. Spontaneous Spoilers

You’ll be watching a movie with these people, and they’ll casually toss out the ending like you did something egregious and they were enacting their revenge. So too this goes with TV series and books. I had a friend who found out from a classmate that Dobby the Elf dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before she’d finished reading it. She burst out crying in the middle of class. Don’t be the person instigating Dobby-related tears.

3. Kissy-kissy Couples

- One kiss in front of you: Cool, they like each other.

- Two kisses plus batting their eyes at each other in literally the most saccharine way possible: Yep, they definitely like each other; I already knew that though considering they’re dating.

- Impromptu make-out session: Hey guys, your friends are in fact still here and we did in fact come to hang out with you.

- They continue to make-out: Gotcha, I’ll just show myself to the door now.

4. The Grammar Nazi

“Ummm… isn’t it The Diary of A Frank”?

5. The Pathetic Tipper

Writing in “sorry I’m broke” or just putting a dash through the “tip” line is about as low as you can get. Servers in America depend on tips to make a living. Maybe don’t order a drink with your ridiculously large Olive Garden pasta if it’s going to keep you from tipping. Maybe don’t go eat out at all.

6. Psychotic Status Updaters

We’ve seen the Tweets and the Facebook status updates. Something sad has happened in your life, and we as your friends/acquaintances/we-literally-met-once-at-a-party-six-years-ago followers indeed emphasize with you. We’re just not so sure that social media is the best outlet for your depression and existential crises. At least @ your Tweets to your psychiatrist.

7. Constant Complainers

These are the people for whom you must plan everything perfectly. Then even after every detail of the itinerary has been meticulously arranged… “It’s just not what I was expecting. It’s all right though I guess, but I think I’m going to head out early.”

8. Passive aggressors

“Well if it were my way, we would’ve gone to see the new Leo DiCaprio film. But it’s fine. I’m not mad, just upset. But really, it’s fine.”

9. People who make tongue-in-cheek judgments vis-à-vis listicles.

10. Class Clown

People are paying to be in this class to hear the teacher, not to hear about how your hilarious friend Ted made a bong out of an apple. And how does that relate to Biology 201 again? Also, tell Ted congrats on the creativity.

11. Careless Cathy

You walk into a department store and you sort through clothes, unfurling them, wrinkling them. A somewhat thoughtful person would refold them. So too goes with the friend who spends the night and doesn’t make the bed or the buddy who is always late to events you had planned well in advance.

12. Mouthy Moviegoers

I would rather you engage in some heavy petting or even a handy with your significant other rather than make a single comment during a film. Whether it’s “Don’t go in there!” or “Oh my god, I love this!” or “I see where this is going,” you should not be speaking. It. Is. Movie. Time. Please don’t ruin it!

13. Articulate Arguers

Great debaters fall into the same category as charismatic people and the unfathomably beautiful. No matter what you say these people are going to say it better and look good doing it. For them, it’s about style, not content; but, most of the time, that’s all they really need. TC mark

image – Michael Cordedda

30 Amazing Things That Get Mind-Boggling If You Really Think About Them

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For more thoughts check out the original post on Reddit.

1. nvt111

Roads. I can get in my car right now and go pretty much anywhere. There is an unbroken route from where my car is parked to virtually every location on this continent. And if I can’t get there by car, there are often specific places to park my car that make it as convenient as possible to get to where I want to go. We take it for granted, but it’s kind of crazy to me sometimes.

2. plutonn

When you figure out that you are a brain controlling a body

3. MisterHoppy

Babies weight around 8 pounds when they’re born, and around 20 pounds a year later. Having eaten mostly milk. Those babies took milk and turned it into 12 pounds of flesh, bone, and brain. Babies are fucking made of milk.

4. Newfoundhope

How words are spelled/look. If you look at words long enough, you begin to question why words were chosen to have that certain spelling. Or how the shapes were even formed. Or why a different letter wasn’t chosen. Or how in the hell is that word pronounced the way it is

5. mr3inches

Do caterpillars know they they are going to become butterflies? Or do they just get in a cocoon thinking, what the fuck am I doing?

6. georgeclooneynecktat

Eating is pretty weird when you think about it. You grind up various materials to suck energy out of them and then poop them out. I think it’s weird that we eat together socially, but at the same time it’s not like we are getting together as a family to take a poop. It’s just the other side of the same process.

7. RoryNoodles

People stick other people’s genitals in their mouths as a sign of affection.

8. Intotheopen

Drinking the milk of other species.

9. periwinklemoon

Pictures/cameras. I just captured this ONE moment in time that I can now look at for the rest of my life.

10. newskit

Being pregnant. It’s like “Yeah, there’s a tiny person inside me. He eats what I eat and moves around in there sometimes.”

11. Theres_A_Moth_Here

Trying to imagine if nothing ever existed.

12. nlunny

if you didn’t know a language how would you think?

13. fuuuunke

for me, it’s gotta be calling people “baby” romantically or sexually…ew.

14. neefvii

Ripping the skin off a creature and wearing it around. Sure it’s dried and treated with chemicals, but look closely and you can still see pores and where the skin folded.

15. liado

wireless technologies kinda hurt my head.

16. benfegradoe

Kissing, Why is it that touching your lips is a sign of affection.

17. string97bean

The idea of assigning value to currency. I had you a piece of paper and you give me goods/services.

18. shinyscales

The fact that we can see things.

19. howimetyomama

Being alive. Spend five minutes studying anatomy/genetics/evolution and it becomes really clear just a few things could be different and you’d have Huntington’s. Or Sickle Cell. And life would be shitty.
It’s incredible as many of us are as healthy as we are.

20. JaseAndrews

Your skin is crawling with billions of bacteria.

21. SamanthaParkington

How people invented language. Seriously. How did they come up with words?!

22. Static_and_Bullshit

All these people around the world, believing in different gods: to know that such a vast majority of them simply has to be wrong, is to wonder how wrong we can be, and how little we know.
We live lives we pretend to understand and control but we really are doing more surviving than living, and more imagining than understanding. It’s weird.

23. ignoramusaurus

People who die in tragic ways are just going about their day not knowing they’re about to die.

24. DepartmentStoreSpook

Literally everything. For example, right now I’m pushing some buttons with abstract symbols on them on something called a keyboard, and am instantly able to transmit my own thoughts through a machine that takes them, breaks them apart into other abstract symbols, and then reassembles and transmits them in some ethereal non-physically existing thing called the internet, where anyone, anywhere, at any time can look at that same exact pattern of lines and dots and instantly understand exactly what I was thinking

25. its_a_punderful_life

If you’re currently a virgin, you’re the only virgin in long, long line of ancestors over thousands upon thousands of years. They’re all just waiting for you to continue the chain.

26. doggydoggerton

Infinity. The fact that a number can go on endlessly really creeps me out.

27. grumpypotato

Airplanes. You’re sitting in a chair, miles up in the sky, going 500mph on a gust of wind. And people complain about the food.

28. edible_aids

Why boobs are so great. I LOVE them but they’re just sacks of fat with nipples on them. They’re not even really private parts, but society made them private…

29. ViaRoarUgh

Clapping is really weird. You’re smacking your hands together to indicate approval.

30. kirkirus

Either we’re alone in the universe or we aren’t. Either possibility is mind-boggling. TC Mark

7 Embarrassing Things You Need To Learn How To Hide

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1. How much time you actually spend online.

You know that nervous laughter and general sense of discomfort that overcomes you when you read some cutting-edge study about how the average young adult spends something like three hours on the internet every day? That moment when you try to calculate the time you spend online, and keep coming up with numbers that exceed the actual number of hours in a day? Yeah, that moment should stay to yourself. Just laugh along with everyone and pretend you cap your web surfing time at a healthy four hours a day, just like a normal person. Don’t let them see you sweat.

2. The one person you dated in a fugue state around the age of 19.

I saw him across the room from me at a party, years later, still rocking that misguided chin strap — only it had somehow been trimmed into even more razor-thin insanity — holding his Dixie cup of sadness, making weirdly chauvinist jokes, and talking about the Alkaline Trio concert he was going to next weekend. I saw him, I acknowledged him silently to myself, and then I pretended not to remember him when anyone would ask, as God intended. There are certain relationships that are meant to dissolve into the time-space continuum behind you, and you should absolutely not feel bad about that.

3. The things you deem acceptable to do while hungover.

First of all, there should always be a tinge of embarrassment to a serious hangover. We joke about it, but what we’re basically saying is “I exercised the same amount of discretion on my body last night as a four-year-old would if you gave them free reign of the kitchen at dinner time,” except instead of eating handfuls of cake until you throw up, you did four more shots of vodka past the point of no return. There is just a general state of greasiness in which you exist whilst hungover, smelly and squinty and unbathed and yet somehow in possession of the mental fortitude to go get a half-gallon of chocolate milk and some barbecue Fritos. It’s a part of our lives about which we don’t need to humblebrag. Speaking as someone who once ran into an ex while walking out of a McDonald’s holding two bags of food for myself and wearing a pair of community college sweatpants, it’s not the person you want to be.

4. What you are jealous of.

While we are always going to be jealous of certain things and people — and that jealousy is always guaranteed to boil to the surface on occasion — some of it must be hidden for dignity’s sake. Recently, I was at lunch with a girlfriend and when another woman came up in conversation I uncontrollably vomited up the words “That bitch needs to get over her eyebrows.” Aside from not making a huge amount of sense, I tipped my hand on the fact that I am, on a visceral level, jealous and bitter over the hairs just north of this woman’s eyeballs. Certain jealousies need to be pushed down to the recesses of our mangled heartspaces, and anything that petty is one of them.

5. What goes on in your Incognito Window.

We all have our secrets, and the inner workings of your Incognito Window is your holy of holies. No matter how comfortable you are with a new person, no matter how much you think you love them, no matter how much you trust their discretion, do not allow a few drinks to loosen your lips when it comes to the cyst-based searches you conducted for 30 straight minutes the night before. It is not meant to be shared.

6. The effort you put into getting ready in the morning.

Live that lie. No one needs to know about the hours you spend lurking on r/makeupaddiction, or how much your glow is based on BB cream and not eating well and getting a good night’s sleep. While it may not be embarrassing, per se, to spend a long time trying to shed the pallid shell you wake up with (not unlike one of those Russian stacked dolls), it’s certainly nicer to pretend like it just happens that way. Don’t talk about the ten minutes you spend de-puffing your eyes, or the little tissues you use to absorb the anime-esque forehead shine stripe. When someone compliments your bouncy curls, thank them without making mention of the technique you’ve honed over years of crying in front of YouTube tutorials. Hey, if models and celebrities get Photoshop, you get the white lie of “Oh, thanks. It was nothing!”

7. The ugliness that transpired in your breakups.

It’s not that we’re granted a pass on all our behavior when we are going through a particularly rough breakup, but we should at least paint a generous portrait when talking to friends. There is no need to talk about the keying of the car, the time someone said the other one had small genitals, or the back-and-forth in which good sex dragged things out about three months longer than it should have lasted. It’s unfair to make people pick sides, or to give all the gory details about something very personal that now everyone’s going to have to try and un-learn over the course of the next few years. Unless someone committed a serious injustice, it’s best to just pretend the two of you just went your separate ways after walking the length of the Great Wall of China and holding geodes, or something of that nature. You’ll be glad you did, once you are no longer blinded by anger. TC mark

image – Ocean Yamaha

I Am Thankful For The Middle-Aged Man Who Peed On My Door Regularly For A Year

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It’s only a figure of speech until it’s the worst present in the world. And the best.

Sometimes your girlfriends ask you about the sweetest things men have done for you. So when I tell them about the pissing on my front door, regularly, for the better part of a year — that it’s right up there — they generally give a look, as girlfriends do. And then I have to tell the story. But to be clear, right off, I am not a fetishist: For a long time, I didn’t even know it was pee.

Initially, I blamed the plumbing. I walked that short distance — from my studio’s “west wing” to its kitchen-nook-entrance area — to find the mysterious stream, and I screamed at my pipes for reducing me to hands and knees. And until the elusive pool began to tease me more often, I blamed the pipes alone.

Maybe my neighbors knew something I didn’t.

“Does a, um, mini-reservoir appear outside your door sporadically?” The response to which was generally: “No.”

But then, an appearance by Next-Door Neighbor Eric. He had seen the puddle. As it happens, he had also smelled it.

“I think it’s urine,” he said. “Someone’s pet?”

“Really?”

I’ve got a terrible sense of smell, and the liquid was never yellow, so, no, it hadn’t occurred to me — despite the repeated cleanings. It’s not like I was going to taste it, and I wasn’t about to send it into the lab, either. But Eric was convinced.

“At least we know the dogs in our building are well-hydrated,” I laughed. He didn’t. Was it my fault some churlish, neighboring dog had decided to mark me? To mark my home?

And so, obviously I posted a sneering note in the lobby, asking all to supervise their pets more closely. Twelve hours later, the letter was gone. That afternoon, my door was soaked. Three times.

Before I could retaliate, an elderly ground-floor dweller pulled me aside. Like I was Woodward or something.

“It’s Ricky,” she whispered.

“What?”

“A dog isn’t peeing on your door,” she continued, as if this was supposed to make quite a bit of sense. “You know: Ricky.”

“I don’t think I do?” I was feeling pretty bad about the collateral damage of my door-piss, now that it had possibly triggered dementia in an octogenarian.

“Ricky… has Down’s Syndrome.”

God. Damn.

“He’s 38, and he lives on an upper floor with his mother,” the woman continued, beginning to scuttle away. “I’ve seen him urinate on your door.”

Until then, I hadn’t known Ricky by name, and if there is a profile of door-pisser, he didn’t fit it. But this neighbor had to be right. I approached my super, George.

“I have reason to believe that Ricky’s been peeing on my door,” I said. And I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. (Am I supposed to feel bad for laughing? Tell me after you’ve encountered some door piss.)

“Ricky,” George said, shaking his head in a sounds-about-right kind of way. “I’ll talk to him.”

A few hours later, George reported back with what Ricky had told him.

I think that girl’s sexy. That’s why I do it.

Ricky would stop, he had promised George, but now — now I felt shallow. Also, slightly revolted to know that I’d mopped up a middle-aged man’s piss so often. I contemplated drafting a letter of complaint citing New York’s Warrant of Habitability. I was also slightly afraid. Ricky had access to the fire escape that led directly to my bedroom window.

And yet, was there not something plainly sweet about Ricky’s advances? I pictured him on one of his covert missions: the scoping of territory, the furtive whipping-out, the escape. In hindsight, I was flattered. It was daring.

The next morning: a brusque knock.

“It’s Ricky,” a hoarse voice declared.

Instead of announcing that I had just gotten out of the shower, I asked, “Can you come back later?”

But Ricky repeated himself. A few minutes later, he knocked again. I cracked the door: guilty eyes.

“Pee pee no more,” he said.

I extended my hand. “If you stop peeing on my door, we can definitely be friends,” I said. Maybe that was overstating it. But, you know: diplomacy, right?

And that was that. I can’t say that I miss the door-piss, but I can say that Ricky’s creative displays of affection still count for something. In another world, when Ricky’s not pissing on my door, maybe it does. Maybe even in this one. It’s bittersweet, and not because of his disability. It’s the piss that makes it hard, and it’s the daring that makes it harder. TC mark

This post originally appeared at Esquire.

26 Of The (Unintentionally) Funniest Stock Images

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Because you’re welcome.

1. Take too many quaaludes with your wife and you are at risk of having a Christmas card like the one below. It should also be noted that this photo was found from typing “teen mom” into search bar.

2. A lesson in why you should never home-school your kids:

3. Is she scared? Is she hiding? Is she posing? If you really need to stretch before going out, why must it be while leaning against a dumpster? Poor planning at its finest.

4. This one is aptly titled “Portrait of a Beautiful Young Businesswoman On Chair.” This photo is everything.

5. If you squint really hard, this one kind of looks like a lounge chair in outer space.

6. Hey! This one’s funny! Mostly because if you look away or close your eyes, you’ll still see it in your nightmares! HEHE!

7. I’m really not sure what’s going on here but I do wish bodily harm upon the blonde lady.

8. Simply irresistible. Also, good dancer.

9. Another one reserved for my nightmares. “Okay, we want an up-shot of a pedophile” is how I imagine the director envisioned this.

10. I can’t un-see this.

11. Another depiction of a “teen mom,” apparently. My question is: Why so happy? You haven’t even hit 20 yet, and your life is kaput.

12. This piece of gold is titled, “Pregnant woman and her teenager son outdoors.” Dude needs to relax and stop grabbing his mom’s ass.

13. Never been pregnant before, but that can’t be comfortable. Also, she is missing a left hand.

14. Here, a creepy girl with a curious proclivity for pregnant women, detailed in two photos.

15. Pregnant In A Mental Asylum: A Portrait.

16. Goddamn mushroom cuts never looked so good.

17. I call this one, “Woman With 2 Right Legs.” This photo confounds me deeply.

18. I don’t even know anymore.

19. I don’t like it! I don’t like it one bit.

20. Is this allowed?

21. Typed “seduction” into search bar. Got this. Pretty much.

22. What am I even looking at?

23. Someone has to poo…

24. A Portrait Of A Pedophile As Santa Claus.

25. I have questions. Lots and lots of questions. Namely: what’s going on here? What’s on her tooth? And do you think she knows that a blonde mustache is still a visible mustache?

26. I’ve lost all hope in life.

TC mark

23 Weird Things That Everyone Does While Drunk

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1. Having miniature motivational pep-talks and/or conversations with yourself in front of the bathroom mirror.

2. Making up random impressive shit about yourself to feel relevant in the conversation.

3. Attempting to fix makeup/hair/clothes, but in a way that only makes the overall look about ten times worse.

4. Ordering approximately four times the amount of food that you are actually capable of eating, and starting to nod off while cradling your Crunchwrap Supreme like a human baby.

5. Alternatively, making yourself food that you forget about in the oven/stove/microwave until it is a blackened husk.

6. Saying “I know that dance!” about dances that you absolutely do not know, and then proceeding to attempt the dance from vague memory.

7. Telling people you love them, particularly when you do not love that person.

8. Feeling a newfound sense of financial freedom, and exerting that freedom by spending what was left of your rent money on drinks for the person you met waiting for the bartender.

9. Sitting on the toilet to pee and momentarily falling asleep.

10. Getting on Gchat and striking up an incredibly emotional conversation with whoever happens to be online at that time.

11. (If that person does not respond, you try another one, and then another.)

12. Seeking out a slightly less intoxicated person to be your sounding board for all of your terrible ideas, and to calm you down from whatever drunken anxieties you have.

13. Suddenly getting incredibly emotional about mozzarella sticks.

14. Fixating on an idea, such as “Let’s go to Wendy’s!” and not relenting until that happens, even to the detriment of your dignity or friendships.

(Anecdote: I was recently out partying with friends, and two of us became overwhelmed with a sudden desire for french fries. When the waiter informed us that the kitchen was closed, we began negotiating with him and eventually decided that we were ready to pool our funds and offer him 200 dollars for a basket of fries. Thankfully for us, he had the good sense to decline.)

15. Attempting to make up with people for years’ worth of emotional damage in a five-minute span, usually over a shot.

16. Telling a story that, when you find out it is boring mid-way through, ends in bold-faced lies that no one could possibly believe.

17. Being overwhelmed with the desire to draw penises.

18. Kissing people that you would never in your entire life want to kiss sober, including people that you will have to SEE IN THE UNFORGIVING LIGHT OF DAY.

19. Looking through the entire Facebook — all 1200 photos — of your crush.

20. Instagramming blurry photos of your friends that no one can decipher, captioned with inside jokes that make no sense.

21. Randomly switching drinks at the end of the night to something really harsh that you would absolutely never drink normally.

22. Smoking???

23. Calling people at 2 in the morning who are clearly trying to sleep like a normal adult, and when they answer the phone all groggy and upset, being like, “Heyyyyy… I just wanted to talk. How are you?” TC mark

image – Jing a Ling

The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

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One night I was finishing up some work, when I got a friend request on Facebook from a name I vaguely recognized. I’m usually quite liberal on who I friend on there, so I added her. I immediately recognized her photo as a girl that was in a college program I worked with several years ago. She immediately sent me a message and it quickly turned into the most bizarre online encounter I’ve ever had. Here’s how it went down:

Facebook

Facebook

I blacked out her name and the name of the college program, just to make sure no one finds her and questions her insanity. Let me give you just a little backstory here. The girl she mentioned is my ex-wife from years ago who had an affair with my intern and got pregnant by him. That’s clearly not a great icebreaker. Also, the transition to a gallbladder update is seamless.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I was going to just stop after the first question, but I was bored and figured I’d go along with it. The typos are pretty bad. Hopefully the surgant can correct those as well. I know it looks like I’m just being mean, but stay with me.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

Ok wait a second. She clearly knows that my ex is with that other guy, as she’s seen her on Facebook with him. Also, “why did you get fired” seems like somewhat of an inappropriate question, doesn’t it? That’s why I didn’t feel bad for telling her that she died.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

If she saw her on “Joshes” status then why is she asking me? I’m sticking with the butt drugs story.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I wish I had enough since to know that Lincoln was shot in a movie theater. I believe it was a Regal Cinema if I’m not mistaken.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I highly doubt that he is got more since then me, but I’m honestly not that familiar with chiwawas.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

There are two possible scenarios at this point. Either she has the tiniest butthole of any living human, or she is confusing a tractor for a needle. Either way, she’s being mean and I’m just going to keep answering with innocent nonsense.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I love the fact that she retyped everything and added punctuation. Also, I’m fairly certain Social Studies isn’t the class she should be suggesting.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I’M BEING MEAN BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHY YOU GOT FIRED AND WHY YOU GOT A DIVORCE! GOD, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

She can’t come back from that, right? I just blew her entire theory out the window. Maybe she’ll calm down, but odds are she’ll just keep being completely insane.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

Ok, I’m no doctor, but what on earth is she talking about? What sort of storage space does she have in each of her butt cheeks to allow room for medical equipment? Clearly logic isn’t going to work, so I’ll change the subject.
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

First of all, I was referring to Red Eye on Fox News, not the Rachel McAdams thriller from 2005. Also, I don’t think either of those is against god. Andy Levy is delightful on the show, and when isn’t Rachel McAdams absolutely charming?
The Weirdest Person Ever Encountered On Facebook

I sent that and never heard from her again. She either left to go try to jam a needle up her butt, or she’s trying to find Mr. Huffington Post to tell him that’s he’s wrong about this story. Be careful on Facebook, there are a lot of crazy people. However, if you happen to run into one of them, at least be kind enough to screencap it so the rest of us can enjoy it as well. TC Mark

I Got Called A Pig 2 Weeks Into My Online Dating Adventure

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She called me a pig, and a bunch of other things too. She told me I was everything that was wrong with online dating. This was not the kind of tongue lashing I had in mind when I decided to try dating again for the first time in 20 years. I have never been called a pig in my life, and I’m 46 years old. I’m one of these super nice guys who gets along with everyone – so what happened?

It started with a texting mistake I made, and then it went downhill from there.

A couple of weeks ago, I put up 2 profiles on 2 well-known online dating sites. Having divorced 2 years ago, I haven’t dated anyone since I met my wife 20 years ago, so I am ignorant. I put up an earnest profile about who I am, and I said I was looking for someone who is funny, smart, active, outdoorsy, and Christian. I sent a few messages and began to entertain a variety of women who showed an interest in me. Next thing you know, I had 4 dates set up with 4 women who all seemed very interesting to me. I started texting with 3 of them, and I suddenly had the pounding heart and sweating palms of a teenage boy.

So I went out for a first-date coffee, and after a great time, I asked my date (let’s call her Susan not her real name) to be sure to text or call me, so we could stay in touch, and she said she would for sure. She had my number but I didn’t have hers, and I was looking forward to her call.

Here’s where the mistake comes in. About 15 minutes after my coffee date, I got a text from an unknown number. I am thinking it’s Susan. It wasn’t. It was a girl named Beth (not real). Beth had shown interest, we e-mailed briefly, and it was her first ever text to me. Her words:

Hello. :-)

And I texted back, “Hi Susan wow that coffee was really fun, how’s it going, let’s get together again, etc.” And then I got back:

This isn’t Susan.

That was not a proud moment for me. Before I could even reply:

You are pig. You are the worst thing about online dating. I can’t believe you call yourself a Christian.

My cell phone starting dinging like a pinball machine, one after the other!

I feel sorry for Susan.

I am blocking you and reporting you.

I tried to defend myself with some keen observation like, “Hey I’m new at this, how can we be exclusive, if we have never even met each other? Isn’t that setting the bar a little high? Am I supposed to go one person at a time?” She replied:

Leave me alone I swear if you send me one more text I will sick my cop buddies on you.

I’ve been sorting this out ever since. Is this woman crazy, or is this what I should expect (God forbid) if any of my dates finds out about any of my other dates? I’m walking through a minefield here!

I’m going to have to set some ground rules. First of all (note to self), I will not reply to a text without identifying the other party first. Now as far as what I am going to have to try to express to my dates:

  1. I have put out a call for love by putting up a profile and inviting people to get in touch, and my date has done the same.
  2. At any given time, I may be in a dialogue with any number of women, I may even have dates with them, I may even be making out with them. My date is afforded the same freedom.
  3. I am looking for a girlfriend. I would like to fall in love, and when that happens, it will be as exclusive as it gets.
  4. I will ask someone to be my exclusive girlfriend after I fall In love with them. Or vice versa. That is taking it to the next level and that will be really cool when it happens.
  5. I will not go all the way with any woman, until we are in a love relationship. I have never had intercourse with a woman I didn’t love and I’m not going to start now. 3rd base. Let’s just stop there for a while and figure out what we have.
  6. During this dating phase, I don’t want to talk about your present and past relationships and I don’t want to tell you about mine. OK? Let’s just focus on each other and whether we like each other.

Does this sound like a good way to go about it? Maybe it’s old fashioned. Or maybe I’m a pig. TC mark

image – Joi

This Is What I Call Deep-Sea Dating

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So she is gone. She is not coming back. And my heart is still resting fragilely in its chest cavity like a vase that’s been broken and carefully glued back together. A vase just waiting for someone to bump against the end table on which it has been placed, sending it tumbling to the floor where it will once again shatter into a million pieces.

With this in mind, I decide it is a good idea to give this whole Internet dating thing a go, yes, totally a good idea, what possibly could go wrong, because if at first you don’t succeed, pick yourself up and cry, cry again. Because the best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else, they say, and they say this much too often for it to be untrue. Right?

Right.

I make a profile on one of those dating websites.

The website asks me a series of questions about myself, which I half-heartedly answer as succinctly as possible. I’m the Hemingway of online dating.

Interests: films, books.

Six things you could never live without: never is a big word.

What I’m doing with my life: This one is tricky, because I’m not sure if the website is either A) getting a bit passive aggressive or B) run by my mother. I leave it blank.

Instead, I upload a couple of pictures, trolling the depths of my social media profiles, my hard drive, my camera for the photographs that highlight, in vivid color, the best parts of my physical appearance and wishing I had turned to the left just a little, or hadn’t spilled that ketchup on my shirt or had opened my eyes because that one would have been perfect.

Now, apparently, I will be “matched” with females based on the approximately 150 words I have typed into small white boxes. And let’s not forget, of course, the website’s top-secret compatibility formula. It is totally legitimate. Millions of happy couples, grins all around, butterflies in your stomach, that sort of thing.

I begin to send out messages – Hi, I’m Adam, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck, nice to meet you, you look friendly, do you like me, please, I beg you, you must like me, we both The Shawshank Redemption, what do you know — with the desperation of a sailor trapped in a crippled submarine. Messages like distress signals, pinging off into the depths, in desperate hopes that someone, please, for the love of God, anyone, will respond – a 37-year-old Malaysian, a 25-year-old Californian, a septuagenarian nun, a cocker spaniel.

I sit back and really think about the ramifications of digital love, about these people with whom I’m voluntarily communicating, about how my standards have fallen, immediately, upon the creation of an online dating profile. This is minor league stuff, for players who can’t handle the world of real-life, professional dating. This is pathetic. This is creepy. This is borderline predation. This is me. I am one of them. I have literally joined the club.

A few days later I hit a target, somehow, through something or other I said, and I meet Miss America, who, based on her pictures, is pretty enough, and doesn’t seem to be an axe murderer or a man in disguise. I hope. We meet. She looks like her pictures. She does not carry a butcher’s knife. She has dimples (wrinkles?) that form little parentheses around her mouth and mousy brown hair, and a slender, former cheerleader’s frame.

Now, here’s where this gets tricky.

Miss America is lovely, really, she is. But it’s about fourteen seconds into this date when I realize she’s not for me – that moment, I think, occurs when she starts lip-synching a popular Top 40 pop song while simultaneously maintaining eye contact in a Japanese restaurant. Not that there’s anything wrong with lip-synching, or singing, or music, or even Top 40 (though this is debatable), I find it genuinely unnerving, and my skin is crawling a bit, and what have I done, don’t you know, Adam, that you have so much more you could be doing right now, like watching a movie by yourself, or reading a book, or bonking yourself on the head with a ball-peen hammer.

We are now at my apartment. First it was more drinks, maybe one too many. Then it was a kiss in a crowded bar. Then it was the back of a taxi and now we are here.

So she turns to me, casually, like she’s known me for years, like we’re an old couple who knows how one another take their coffee, and says, “What’s on your mind, babe?”

You might not have meant anything by it, Miss America, surely you didn’t, but when you said this, the only thing on my mind was to make sure you were never in the position to call me “babe” again, because I am most definitely not your “babe” and did not intend to ever be your “babe”, much less anyone’s “babe,” and it was just an entirely inappropriate comment, which, much like your lip-synching, sent shivers down my spine and made me want to run, which I definitely could not have done, because we were in my apartment, and I did not know you very well, and, had you been left to your own devices might have stolen my television.

That was last time I saw Miss America.

About a week later, I meet Manchester.

Manchester (from England) is also a very nice girl. She is pretty, and she talks my ear off during dinner (which is not necessarily a good or a bad thing).

Now, before things get out of hand, I am a man of average A) height B) weight and C) looks. I am over-privileged and falsely entitled. I deserve much, much less than anything I have ever received. I believe women and men and races and sexualities are equal. I believe no one is better than another. I am not a misogynist nor self-loathing nor an overtly good or bad person. I think I confidently float in the purgatorial neutral zone of humanity.

I do, however, have the tendency to be overly judgmental, critical, and slightly mean-spirited (especially so if I am hungry.)

But this doesn’t stop me from noticing things. And once I’ve noticed something, even a small something, I am oftentimes able to process this small something into a much larger something, and sometimes that something is much too large to look past.

Additionally, I have never once denied the fact that I am a raving lunatic.

Anyway, Manchester and I watch a popular television comedy. During the course of the program’s twenty-odd minutes, she incessantly points out absurdities as though she’s catching typos in a newspaper.

“There’s no way a doctor would do that!” for example.

And of course there’s no way a doctor would do that (he’s, like, making crude comments or something, no bedside manner at all, that rascally doctor) but that’s the way comedy works, sweetheart, it’s about the absurd, the irrational, the illogic, and though I’m not trying to be condescending or supercilious or anything like that – and although I definitely am coming across as such – I just think it’s better if you head home now, because I’m feeling very tired.

So I’m back at the computer, awash in the screen’s blue glow, the lights out, alone, scrolling through faces, faces, endless faces, their pouted lips, smirks, and dentist-whitened smiles.

A message lights up my inbox. She is Dutch. I have never met a Dutch person. This is like interacting with an endangered species. The elusive Northern hairy-nosed wombat sends its greetings!

Dinner plans ensue.

Will she wear wooden shoes? Will she have braids? Will I have to kiss her on the cheek in strange European greeting? Please, Dutch Girl, don’t make me do that. I will just die if I have to do that. Will there be that in-and-out tango of do we hug or not?

Maybe I should just gently pat her on the head.

Or you know, now that I think about it, even better idea — I should just turn around. I could go home, get some dinner, forget all about the date that was, the date that would have, in all likelihood, ended in disaster – shame and rejection and sleep lost in labyrinthine mental scenarios of I-should-have-said-should-have-done.

But no, I keep going, and there is Dutch Girl, copper hair and a nice smile, and she sticks out her hand, which is of regular size, to shake, and I almost faint from the relief. She is not frightening, and she does not call me pet names, nor does she question the nature of fiction.

Dutch Girl smokes cigarettes and she curses, and is very, refreshingly human, as we sit on little plastic stools and drink bottles of beer.

She has crinkles around her eyes. Her shoes are not wooden.

I leave later that night, happy enough. Not in love. Not full of hope for the future. Not really thinking anything. This is no love story. That isn’t the point.

Because for now I go home. I go back to the computer, to the faceless faces of unknown women, to their self-portraits taken in bathroom mirrors; their exposed, flat stomachs; their long, tan legs; their contact lenses that turn brown eyes blue and seem to mimic the symptoms of Graves’ disease; their perfectly applied make-up. And I click through them, imagining potential futures – conversations and laughter and arguments and love.

I click and I click and I click.

I wade through the muck and the mire, without even really known what I’m searching for. It would be ridiculous to look for love. And marriage? There are easier ways (and different websites) on which to go wife shopping.

I suppose if I’m honest with myself I know what I seek. But these are strangers. And you know what comes out of sex with strangers. AIDS. Herpes. Long visits to doctor’s offices. Tearful conversations with therapists. Regrets. Pain. Unfulfillment.

But for now, it’s enough. And Ashley flits by, replaced by Naomi, replaced by Sarah, replaced by Aeoy (who inexplicably goes by Jessica).

Messages sent, cast into the abyss.

Nothing to do but sit back, put your feet up, relax, and wait for a bite.
Now isn’t this fun? TC mark

image – Shutterstock

52 Things Guys Should NEVER Say After Sex

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  1. Does the HPV shot hurt?
  2. What’s that smell?
  3. You’re weird…you know that?
  4. Do you have mouthwash?
  5. My mom taught me that one. **WINK**
  6. I love stuffing my fat fucking face.
  7. I’m sorry…
  8. Fork it out?
  9. **Goes to pee** Huh. Just felt like I was peeing fire.
  10. My ex girlfriend had gonorrhea.
  11. You look like my mom.
  12. Wow babe. Just. Wow.
  13. I think it’s time we alert the authorities because WE’VE GOT A QUEEFER!!
  14. I love you.
  15. Do you have any underwear I can borrow?
  16. Where’s the closest place to catch a cab?
  17. Is tip included?
  18. Hey, what’s that?! **You turn around to see what he’s talking about, then look back and he’s gone.**
  19. You’re still here?
  20. I think the condom broke.
  21. So I think the effort is cute, but I just can’t have my wife working.
  22. Send the next girl up, would you? She should be waiting behind the front door.
  23. Did you cum?
  24. That was great, Bonquisha! (Oh. And your name isn’t Bonquisha.)
  25. Come on, let me buy you breakfast. **Leads you to White Castle…**
  26. P.S. you took my virginity.
  27. Well that didn’t feel good!
  28. Bye! **Runs off**
  29. #YOLOCAUST
  30. Your sister was better.
  31. You’re on the pill, right?
  32. **You get up to go to the bathroom** “6.5!!” he yells, while holding up a sign.
  33. I can’t tell if you had an orgasm…
  34. K, yeah. It’s time you go. The wife will be here soon.
  35. **In a baby voice** Awww would you wook at my wittle baby? Did baby like that? Did she?
  36. Who are you?
  37. Yay! Now we can itch together!
  38. K so let’s try that again, except this time you’ll be the guy and I’ll be the girl!
  39. Annnnnd scene! **Goes to computer, switches off webcam.**
  40. Hey! My rash is gone!
  41. High five?
  42. Insemination complete!
  43. “Hi, is this the exterminator? No no, I don’t have bed bugs, just this ONE bed bug I’m trying to get rid of…” **Eyes you portentously…**
  44. Do you know if the antibiotics for chlamydia have any adverse side effects?
  45. Do you have any extra empty soda cans?
  46. Now get back down to the basement!
  47. Does this mean you’ll follow me on Twitter?
  48. Sorry…what’s your name?
  49. We’re not telling anyone about this, right?
  50. Your boobs look just like how mine used to look.
  51. Yeah, definitely gay.
  52. **SNORING.** TC mark

46 (Real?) Creatures That Terrify People Around The World

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Here are some interesting monsters for you to read about. Read it with your lights off and make sure you leave your bedroom door open. TC mark

Africa

1. Agogwe

Some years ago I was sent on an official lion-hunt in this area (the Ussure and Simibit forests on the western side of the Wembare plains) and, while waiting in a forest glade for a man-eater, I saw two small, brown, furry creatures come from dense forest on one side of the glade and disappear into the thickets on the other. They were like little men, about 4 feet high, walking upright, but clad in russet hair. The native hunter with me gazed in mingled fear and amazement. They were, he said, agogwe, the little furry men whom one does not see once in a lifetime. – Captain William Hichens

2. Gambo

This is a drawing of the Gambian carcass discovered on June 12, 1983 after illustrations made by Owen Burnham.

This is a drawing of the Gambian carcass discovered on June 12, 1983 after illustrations made by Owen Burnham.

“Gambo” is the name given to a carcass of an unidentified large marine animal that was reportedly washed up on Bungalow Beach in The Gambia. – Source

3. Koolakamba

The Koolakamba or Kooloo-Kamba is purported to be a hybrid species of two different ape species; namely chimpanzees and gorillas. This alleged hybrid ape species has been reported in Africa as early as the mid 19th century though to date no empirical evidence has been found to substantiate the existence of the creature and it has no entry in the NCBI taxonomical database. The Koolakamba was referenced in the mid-19th century in French work by Franquet (1852, as cited by Shea, 1984) and in some descriptive work of DuChaillu from 1860, 1861, 1867, and 1899; some of which was republished in 1969 (Explorations and Adventures in Equatorial Africa). – Source

Asia

1. Aswang

It is said that to spot an aswang at daytime, look at their eyes. The person in front of you is an aswang if your reflection is upside-down. Another way of knowing is looking in a tuwad manner. The person is an aswang if the image of the person is different. – Source

2. Barmanou

The Barmanou is alleged to possess both human and apelike characteristics and is said to abduct women and attempt mating with them. It is also reported to wear animal skins upon its back and head. The Barmanou appears in the folklore of the Northern Regions of Pakistan and depending on where the stories come from it tends to be either described as an ape or a wild man. – Source

3. Brosno dragon

It is described as resembling a dragon or dinosaur, and is the subject of a number of regional legends, some which are said to date back to the 13th century. – Source

4. Hibagon

The Hibagon is described as a “black creature with white hands and large white feet, standing about five feet tall.” – Source

5. Issie

Issie is a legendary Japanese lake monster; said to lurk in Lake Ikeda, on Kyushu Island. It is described as being saurian in appearance. The name is formed in analogy with “Nessie” (the Loch Ness Monster). – Source

6. Kaijin

According to a Japanese Materia medica, he was almost close to a man, in addition to chin hair and eyebrows, between the fingers and limbs is a description of some skin. He ate food and drank but never spoke. – Source

7. Kappa

Hokusai_kappa

Kappa are typically depicted as roughly humanoid in form, and about the size of a child. Their scaly, reptilian skin ranges in color from green to yellow or blue. Kappa supposedly inhabit the ponds and rivers of Japan and have various features to aid them in this environment, such as webbed hands and feet. – Source

8. Lake Tianchi Monster

Lake Tianchi Monster is the name given to what is said to be a lake monster that lives in Heaven Lake (known as Cheonji in Korean) located in the peak of Baekdu Mountain within the Baekdudaegan and Changbai mountain ranges encompassing Jilin Province of China and Ryanggang Province of North Korea. – Source

9. Manananggal

Manananggal_of_Philippine_Mythology_Commons

The manananggal (sometimes confused with the Wak Wak) is a mythical creature of the Philippines, an evil, man-eating and blood-sucking monster or witch. It is described as hideous, scary, often depicted as female, and capable of severing its upper torso and sprouting huge bat-like wings to fly into the night in search of its victims. – Source

10. Mongolian death worm

The worm is the subject of a number of claims by Mongolian locals – such as the ability of the worm to spew forth an acid that, on contact, will turn anything it touches yellow and corroded (and which would kill a human), as well as its reported ability to kill at a distance by means of electric discharge. – Source

11. Monkey-man of Delhi

In May 2001, reports began to circulate in the Indian capital New Delhi of a strange monkey-like creature that was appearing at night and attacking people. Eyewitness accounts were often inconsistent, but tended to describe the creature as about four feet (120 cm) tall, covered in thick black hair, with a metal helmet, metal claws, glowing red eyes and three buttons on its chest; others, however, described the Monkey-man as having a more vulpine snout, and being up to eight feet tall, and muscular; it would leap from building to building like a parcour enthusiast. Still others have described it as a bandaged figure or as a helmeted thing. Theories on the nature of the Monkey Man ranged from an Avatar of the Hindu god Hanuman, to an Indian version of Bigfoot. – Source

12. Orang-bati

The orang-bati is a winged cryptid rumored to inhabit the Indonesian island of Seram. According to local folklore, the bat-like or somewhat monkey-like creatures abduct children and carry them away to be eaten. Other accounts sound more like encounters with living Pterosaurs. – Source

13. Tsuchinoko

Tsuchinoko are described as being between 30 and 80 centimetres in length, similar in appearance to a snake, but with a central girth that is much wider than its head or tail, and as having fangs and venom similar to that of a viper.[1] Some accounts also describe the tsuchinoko as being able to jump up to a meter in distance.

According to legend, some tsuchinoko have the ability to speak and a propensity for lying, and is also said to have a taste for alcohol. Legend records that it will sometimes swallow its own tail so that it can roll like a hoop, similarly to the mythical hoop snake. – Source

14. Yeren

Witnesses typically report the creatures to be covered in reddish colored hair. Some white specimens have also been sighted. Their height is estimated to range from six to eight feet, although some colossal examples allegedly in excess of ten feet tall have been reported. Overall, it is smaller than the American Bigfoot. Like Bigfoot, the yeren is peaceful and will generally quietly walk away when encountering people in the Zhejiang province. – Source

Central America

1. Chupacabra

The first reported attacks occurred in March 1995 in Puerto Rico. In this attack, eight sheep were discovered dead, each with three puncture wounds in the chest area and completely drained of blood. A few months later, in August, an eyewitness, Madelyne Tolentino, reported seeing the creature in the Puerto Rican town of Canóvanas, when as many as 150 farm animals and pets were reportedly killed. In 1975, similar killings in the small town of Moca were attributed to El Vampiro de Moca (The Vampire of Moca). Initially, it was suspected that the killings were committed by a Satanic cult; later more killings were reported around the island, and many farms reported loss of animal life. Each of the animals was reported to have had its body bled dry through a series of small circular incisions. – Source

Europe

1. Black Shuck

Liza Phoenix

Artist’s rendition of Black Shuck. Illustration by Liza Phoenix

Black Shuck is one of many ghostly black dogs recorded across the British Isles. Sometimes recorded as an omen of death, sometimes a more companionable animal, it is classified as a cryptid, and there are varying accounts of the animal’s appearance. Writing in 1877, Walter Rye stated that Shuck was “the most curious of our local apparitions, as they are no doubt varieties of the same animal. – Source

2. Canvey Island Monster

The Canvey Island Monster is the name given to an unusual creature whose carcass washed up on the shores of Canvey Island, England, in November, 1953. – Source

3. Gnome of Girona

The body was bluish, devoid of hair, with some little spots mainly in neck and face. Its total length was approximately 12 centimeters. It showed a protuberance in the forehead area, elongated ears, reddish eyes and a snout similar to that of rodents. Its fingers showed interdigital membranes. – Source

4. Kelpie

Herbert James Draper

Herbert James Draper

The kelpie is a supernatural water horse from Celtic folklore that is believed to haunt the rivers and lochs of Scotland and Ireland; the name may be from Scottish Gaelic cailpeach or colpach “heifer, colt”. – Source

5. Lagarfljót Worm

The serpentine creature is said to live and often be sighted raising its back above the water in Lagarfljót, a freshwater, below-sea-level, glacial-fed lake which has very poor visibility as a result of siltation. It is described as longer than a football field, or 300 feet (91 m), and has also been reported outside the water, lying coiled up or slithering into the trees. Sometimes it is said to be as long as the lake itself, 30 kilometres (19 mi). It is a “many humps” type of lake monster, rather than the simply serpentine type of, for example, the Loch Ness Monster. – Source

6. Lariosauro

Lariosauro is a cryptid reported to live in Lake Como in Italy, about 30 miles north of Milan. Como is one of the deepest European lakes, at about 410 m (1200 feet) at the deepest location. – Source

7. Owlman

The Owlman, sometimes referred to as the Cornish Owlman, or the Owlman of Mawnan, is a purported cryptid that was supposedly sighted around mid-1976 in the village of Mawnan, Cornwall. – Source

8. Spring-heeled Jack

Jack the Devil in the Penny Dreadfuls Paper - 1838

Jack the Devil in the Penny Dreadfuls Paper – 1838

Spring-heeled Jack was described by people who claimed to have seen him as having a terrifying and frightful appearance, with diabolical physiognomy, clawed hands, and eyes that “resembled red balls of fire”. One report claimed that, beneath a black cloak, he wore a helmet and a tight-fitting white garment like an oilskin. Many stories also mention a “Devil-like” aspect. Others said he was tall and thin, with the appearance of a gentleman. Several reports mention that he could breathe out blue and white flames and that he wore sharp metallic claws at his fingertips. At least two people claimed that he was able to speak comprehensible English. – Source

9. Storsjöodjuret

Frösöstenen runsten på Frösön

Frösöstenen runsten på Frösön. Image by Andreaze

Storsjöodjuret is described as a serpentine or aquatic reptile with fins across its back and the head of a dog. It is reported to measure approximately six meters long, and some accounts describe it as having several humps. – Source

North America

1. Beast of Bray Road

The Beast of Bray Road is described by purported witnesses in several ways: as a bear-like creature, as a hairy biped resembling Bigfoot, and as an unusually large (2–4 feet tall on all fours, 7 feet tall standing up) intelligent wolf-like creature apt to walk on its hind legs and weighing 400-700 pounds. It also said that its fur is a brown gray color resembling a dog or bear. – Source

2. Dover Demon

The Dover Demon is an alleged cryptozoological creature sighted on three separate occasions during a 25-hour period in the town of Dover, Massachusetts on April 21 and April 22, 1977. – Source

3. Ghost Deer

According to legend, when shot at, bullets will fly right through the deer, or miss it. The “animal” also seems to appear and disappear with no traces of it. Attempts have been made to track its prints, only to find that they simply “end” at one point. – Source

4. Grassman

Grassman, also known as the Ohio Grassman and Kenmore Grassman, is an alleged bipedal, ape-like creature reportedly seen in the state of Ohio, primarily around Kenmore, near the Akron, Ohio area and throughout Eastern Ohio into Western Pa. and central and southern Ohio into WV. It was first allegedly sighted in Gallia County, Ohio in 1869. Grassman’s main foodsouce is wheat grass. – Source

5. Igopogo

According to legend, the Igopogo is described with a relatively canine-esque head, differing from other well-known cryptozoological creatures. Because of this, many believers have speculated that it is related to such canine-like aquatic animals as the Irish crocodile; also known as the Dobhar-chu. – Source

6. Jersey Devil

Jersey Devil strip from 1909

Jersey Devil strip from 1909

The Jersey Devil is a legendary creature or cryptid said to inhabit the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey, United States. The creature is often described as a flying biped with hooves, but there are many different variations. The common description is that of a kangaroo-like creature with the head of a goat, leathery bat-like wings, horns, small arms with clawed hands, cloven hooves and a forked tail. It has been reported to move quickly and often is described as emitting a “blood-curdling scream.” – Source

7. Lake Worth Monster

Numerous sightings in July 1969 led to the belief of a half-man, half-goat creature living in Lake Worth in Texas. Terry Deckard, a reporter, wrote an article about it in the newspaper, which made the front page. The headline read: “Fishy Man-Goat Terrifies Couples Parked at Lake Worth.” The couples that reported the sightings described it as a half-man, half-goat, with fur and scales. – Source

8. Melon heads

Velvet Street (a.k.a. "Dracula Drive") is the dirt road where the Trumbull Melonheads supposedly lurk.  — image by 2112guy

Velvet Street (a.k.a. “Dracula Drive”) is the dirt road where the Trumbull Melonheads supposedly lurk. — image by 2112guy

Melon Heads is the name given to legendary beings and urban legends in parts of Michigan, Ohio, and Connecticut generally described as small humanoids with bulbous heads who occasionally emerge from hiding places to attack people. Different variations of the legend attribute different origins. – Source

9. Mothman

Mothman statue in Point Pleasant WV — image by Snoopywv

Mothman statue in Point Pleasant WV — image by Snoopywv

Mothman is a legendary creature reportedly seen in the Point Pleasant area of West Virginia from 15 November 1966 to 15 December 1967. The first newspaper report was published in the Point Pleasant Register dated 16 November 1966, titled “Couples See Man-Sized Bird…Creature…Something”. – Source

10. The Pope Lick Monster

The Pope Lick Monster is a legendary part-man, part-goat and part-sheep creature reported to live beneath a Norfolk Southern Railway trestle over Floyd’s Fork Creek, in the Fisherville area of Louisville, Kentucky. – Source

11. Pukwudgie

Native Americans believed that Pukwudgies were best left alone. When you see a Pukwudgie you are not supposed to mess with them, or they will repay you by playing nasty tricks on you, or by following you and causing trouble. They were once friendly to humans, but then turned against them. They are known to kidnap people, push them off cliffs, attack their victims with short knives and spears, and to use sand to blind their victims. – Source

12. Thunderbird

Thunderbird is a term used in cryptozoology to describe large, bird-like creatures, generally identified with the Thunderbird of Native American tradition. Similar cryptids reported in the Old World are often called Rocs. Thunderbirds are regarded by a small number of researchers as having lizard features like the extinct pterosaurs such as Pteranodon. Reports of Thunderbird sightings go back centuries, and the fossil record does show that giant birds (teratorns) with wingspans between 12 and 18 ft (3.7 and 5.5 m) were likely contemporary with early man. Today the creature is generally regarded as a myth. – Source

Oceania

1. Bunyip

1935 painting of a Bunyip

1935 painting of a Bunyip

The bunyip, or kianpraty, is a large mythical creature from Aboriginal mythology, said to lurk in swamps, billabongs, creeks, riverbeds, and waterholes. – Source

2. Gazeka

Monckton’s Gazeka, also called the Papuan Devil-Pig, is a cryptid, an animal said to have been seen on Papua New Guinea in the early 20th century. It is said to resemble a tapir or giant sloth, having a long, proboscis-like snout, and some theories suggest it may be the descendant of an extinct marsupial belonging to the family Palorchestidae. – Source

3. Ropen

According to the book Searching for Ropens, it is “any featherless creature that flies in the Southwest Pacific, and has a tail-length more than 25% of its wingspan.” On Umboi Island the word “ropen” refers to a large nocturnal creature that glows briefly as it flies. – Source

South America

1. Mapinguari

According to native folklore the creature has a series of unnatural characteristics related to other fantastic beings of Brazilian mythology. These include the creature only having one eye, long claws, caiman skin, backward feet and a second mouth on its belly. In more recent eyewitness accounts it has consistently been described as resembling either an ape or giant ground-dwelling sloth and having long arms, powerful claws that could tear apart palm trees, a sloping back, reaching heights of 7 feet when standing on its hind legs and is covered in thick, matted fur. – Source

2. Maricoxi

Maricoxi are reported as being aggressive to humans. In alleged encounters, they attack humans on sight. They are said to be scared of the noise of guns. – Source

3. Minhocão

This image was created by Kryptid.

This image was created by Kryptid.

The minhocão (“big earthworm” in Brazilian Portuguese) is a large earthworm-like cryptid that allegedly exists in the forests of South America. – Source

4. Mono Grande

The Mono Grande (Spanish for “Large Monkey”), a large monkey-like creature, has been occasionally reported in South America. Such creatures are reported as being much larger than the commonly accepted New World monkeys. These accounts have received rather little publicity, and typically generated little or no interest from mainstream experts, but have received some notice in cryptozoology. – Source

21 Things You Should Never Be Embarrassed About

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1. How many likes and comments you get on social media. I don’t know when it became a contest to have every status about what you ate for lunch harvest 20 people’s positive commentary, but it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.

2. (And while we’re at it, no one should care or even have a moment of introspection over not having enough social media friends. Facebook friends not Chuck E Cheese tickets that have more value as they are added. The real introspection should be for people who have more than a thousand of them because, like, why?)

3. Whether or not you shave your personal bits, and to what extent. It’s no one else’s business what your box/ween looks like, no matter how many magazine covers tell us what the “hot new trend” is.

4. Whether or not you have had a one-night stand. Having them doesn’t make you a trollop, but not having them doesn’t mean you’re some inexperienced throw pillow that doesn’t know what life is about.

5. The kind of diet you do or don’t follow. Never let someone guilt you into going vegan, or paleo, or gluten free, or raw, or pescetarian, or whatever they happen to have adopted. If you choose to, eat your meat wrapped in your gluten and topped with melted cheese. Don’t let anyone tell you it makes you a bad person.

6. Your skill level in a yoga class. SOME OF US WILL JUST NEVER BE GRACEFUL, OKAY?!?!

7. (Speaking of the gym, never be embarrassed about sweating off your makeup or looking generally gnarly while working out. If you happen to attend a “sexy people gym,” as I do, it’s easy to feel like you are not living up to something by looking like a struggling human being while working out. But this is outrageous. Look however you want, you’re at the gym, that’s all that matters.)

8. How well or how badly you sing. The point is to enjoy yourself, never stifle your performance when you roll up next to another car at a red light.

9. Enjoying things that don’t fit in with what you “should like” (eye roll), such as being a wood-chopping, bear-skinning bearded straight male who loves romantic comedies.

10. Your Spotify activity.

11. How often you dance at your desk. *Glares at coworkers as she bops to and fro to the sounds of “Electric Avenue.”*

12. Your level of introversion or extroversion. You can’t change it, and it doesn’t make you a shut-in or an attention whore. As long as you are kind to others and considerate of their emotional needs, don’t let anyone bombard you with questions about “why are you so quiet?” or “why can’t you just be alone?”

13. Your odd food rituals. (Sometimes I eat all the chocolate off a Reese’s cup and leave just the peanut butter, which I roll into a ball and then consume separately. I call it a “Pball.”)

14. Enjoying trashy reality TV from time to time. I’m not going to say that it should be your only interest in life, but there are many worse things you could be doing than enjoying The Real Housewives, and we all have our entertainment vices. Don’t let anyone use it to question your intelligence. (Anderson cooper is a RH fan, and he is better than all of us.)

15. The financial background you came from. Anyone who is going to seriously judge you on that is someone you don’t want in your life.

16. The college you went to — I worked at a coffee shop in DC with two Ivy League graduates, a community college student, and a high school dropout. So there is a path for everyone.

17. The fact that you don’t look like a Photoshopped model when you’re, you know, a real person walking around in the physical world.

18. How many exes you have. Never feel bad about having been in love with someone.

19. Whether or not the food you cook looks extremely photogenic. We have gotten to this weird place where we expect our food not just to taste good, but to make for a good-looking social media moment. The fact that you’re making food is awesome. The fact that you enjoy it and it tastes nice is even better. Not every plate needs to be an Instagram centerfold.

20. Not understanding something. It’s always better to ask questions and take a moment to be like, “Wait, I don’t get it, could you explain” rather than nodding along and waiting until you get backed into a corner by your own passive lies.

21. Being happy. And I know this sounds silly, but it’s actually really true in practice. A lot of times social gatherings — and especially social media — can become a sort of self-deprecation-a-thon, where everyone is trying to prove that they are the most dissatisfied or alone. And while you shouldn’t rub your achievements or fulfillments in anyone’s face, it’s important to enjoy what you have and embrace being happy. Being falsely humble won’t help anyone. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

Girls Are Hiding Their Menstrual Blood In Valentine’s Day Chocolates Over In Japan

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Valentine’s Day, even in Japan, is where crushes send gifts to the person they like.

image - Flickr / oskay

image – Flickr / oskay

But this time, it looks like they’ve upped the ante.

Menstrual blood is the new thing to put into chocolate.

They believe that adding a flavor of their own (hair, blood, spit), plus a love spell, will cause the boy to return their feelings.

Please tell me this isn’t so.

And if you’re getting homemade chocolate, be real careful with that. TC mark

40 People From The Internet Reveal An Unexplainable Moment From Their Lives

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Let me tell you a moment from my life that I can’t quite explain. I’ll start with the layout of my bedroom. My bed lay perpendicular to the only window in the room, and right next to me was my nightstand. It was approximately 11PM, my parents were both in the kitchen, my brother in the living room. I was lying in bed, with the door open and my window open. All of a sudden, I hear a loud whisper calling my name, and it sounded like it was coming from outside. I’m basically blind without my glasses, but I saw a green light hovering next to my nightstand. I felt fear, but I lay motionless in bed, and it said, “Psst, Michael, hey Michael.” I freaked out and ran out of my bedroom. Interestingly, my fear vanished as soon as I left the room. I haven’t experienced anything weird, except this one time where a ruler hit my stomach while I was doing homework, and seeing a shadow hovering over me, but that’s another story for another time. Read more terrifying and weird moments in this Reddit thread too.

1. americanslang59

I used to work in music and toured with this band. The guitarist (Josh) of the band’s best friend (Matt) had died a couple years back. He always talked about the kid and he seemed like a great guy. Josh always had this recurring dream where Matt was standing on this abandoned street which, supposedly, was metaphorical for purgatory. Josh had all these conversations with Matt in these dreams and because he had overdosed unexpectedly, he felt like his spirit was not able to move on. At the end of the dreams, Matt would take a bulb from the street light on the street they were standing in the middle of. Josh described these dreams in extreme detail and I could pretty much picture what the street looked like.

Fast forward to about 6 months into touring with these guys. They were huge Bright Eyes fans and wanted to stop in Cassadaga, Florida (Bright Eyes’ singer wrote an album there and it’s a really creepy, spiritual medium place.) It might be worth noting that 6/7 of the people I was with are all atheists. So we drive into Cassadaga around 2 or 3 am and drive around. Suddenly, this big black dog comes in the middle of the road and just stops and looks at us. The guys in this band were weird as fuck and were saying things like “Follow the dog! It’s trying to show us something!” And in my mind, I’m just thinking they are all fucking idiots.

We follow this dog for a few blocks, as it was walking pretty slowly. All of the sudden, we turn a street and the dog bolts. We try to speed up but Josh says “Stop the fucking van. This is it.” We are all confused and he gets out of the van and looks around. “This is it. This is the street in my dreams.” We hang out for about 15 minutes and from the way he described the street, from having houses on the left to a park on the right, it was definitely the street. As we get in the van, a street light goes off and we just drive off. He claims he never had anymore dreams about it, as that was closure on everything.

2. MooniniteOne

One night about 2 years ago my brother and I were sitting in our living room watching TV. Our 15-year-old Border Collie was downstairs sleeping, and the door was closed. We were the only ones home. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something black walk between our two chairs and into the kitchen, about as high as my waist. A few seconds later, my brother looks up at me and says “Did you see that?” and we both explained that we saw what looked like our dog. We looked in the kitchen and he wasn’t in there. So we went downstairs to check on him and he was just barely warm – he had passed away probably an hour ago.

3. Englishmuffin1

My younger sister was 3 and started laughing/pointing at the corner of our living room. When my mother asked her what she was laughing at, she said “Grandad and Bourbies.” She was less than a year old when my grandad died and had never met our dog ‘Bourbon’ who was nicknamed Bourbies.

Also we had a black lab who would just bark at the same corner regularly and refused to lay there for years.

I don’t believe in ghosts etc but that was some strange stuff.

4. audizzy

I was 6 at the time, and head down the hallway to my room. The hallway has two door on the left, the first one leads to the bathroom, the second is the room my younger brother (5 at the time) and I share. It is just the two of us in the house.

As I am walking to my room, I decide that if I see my brother I am going to tackle him and start horsing around. At that exact moment he walks out of his room. I start talking to him, and he says he really needs to poop. I figured it would be best not to tackle him when he is on the verge of taking a shit and walk into my room. He waves to me as he closes the bathroom door. I open up the bedroom door and find my brother sitting on the couch watching tv.

I quickly run back to the bathroom and open the door to find it empty. I run over to him and ask him if he was just in the hallway talking to me. He shook his head, and to this day he still doesn’t know what I am talking about if I ask him about it.

There is no way that he could have gone back into our bedroom from the bathroom. If it was him trolling me he would have told me by now (14 years have passed). I know what I saw and I just can’t explain what it was, and it gives me the creeps to this day.

5. mugenTaichou

I had my usual internet night and was alone with my sister because mom went to take care of sick grandma who was in really bad shape. I decide to hit bed around 4:30 AM, and I couldn’t crack a zzz so I started to imagine various crap to soothe myself to sleep. Anyways, after 20 minutes I get this vivid image of my childhood street, it looked like it was one on those warm summer days, really bright and stuff, from the spot where I was standing I could see my grandmas balcony, only for it to go completely pitch black after few seconds. I get into panic attack, start to hyperventilate and just jump straight out of the bed for a smoke. Thought about picking up a phone but I just calmed myself down into thinking I imagined stuff.

Next morning, mom came home with news that grandma has passed away around 5 AM. I was biggest pile of sadness, shock and WAT at that moment.

6. MrCallipygian

When my Grandfather died, my parents were in charge of cleaning out his old house. I ended up helping out a couple of times and the night before we were finished I had a dream about my Grandfather is his basement pointing at a spot behind the staircase.

It was so vivid and real that I had to tell everyone about it. The next and final day of cleaning we went to the spot I was talking about. My dad ended up pulling back some old wood paneling and found a bunch of old photographs of when my grandparents first moved into the house.

7. NilSanity

So I am hanging out with my Significant Other at the time, and we were making out on the couch, like all up on each other grinding and moaning. We had not seen each other for a couple weeks as she had just gotten back from vacation. So things are really starting to heat up and we were getting ready to shed our clothes when the phone starts ringing. My SO lets out a groan and complains, telling me not to pick it up. You know how phones are, though, you just can’t leave them ringing because what if it was something important, etc.

So I pick up the phone and this older sounding man speaks up on the other end. I can’t really make out what he is saying though so I tell him to speak up. At this point my SO, probably because she was annoyed that I had picked up the phone and stopped our make-out session, hits the speakerphone button on the phone cradle. Loud and clear this man’s voice blasts from the phone speaker: “What are you doing with my daughter!?”

As we heard the distinct click of the phone line going dead, me and my SO just looked at each other a moment in amazement as we both knew her dad had been dead for years.

8. iamapizza

One night, I was in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says; “What you do with my daughter?!”

I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating her. But she say, her father is dead!

Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone. Such is life in Soviet Russia.

9. pancakehiatt

In fourth grade I walked down the hall at school. I came to an intersection with an older kid looking dumbfounded at me from across the intersection. I turned right and walked away.

In sixth grade I walked down the hall at school. I came to an intersection with a younger version of me looking at me from across the intersection. I turned right and walked away.

10. DFSniper

My grandparents are German and I was visiting them one summer, i believe 2001. My grandparents were having their big 50th wedding anniversary, so there were all kinds of people from the neighborhood (small village, maybe 500 people), in and out of their front yard. One person that I remember seeing looked eerily like the neighbor kid that I used to play with years ago. I blinked and he was gone. I asked my relatives, but they told me that the kid hadn’t lived there (I believe it was his grandparents house) for years.

The only reason I remembered this was because it bugged me all summer. Later that summer I was riding a bike across an intersection and hit a car. Somehow instead of the car hitting me, which would have caused a lot of broken bones, the bike hit the front fender of the car and the tire left an indent. I landed on the pavement, knocked out, with one shoe flying 20-30 feet into the middle of the road. I had severe back pain when my grandparents took me to the hospital, but no injuries other than scrapes and bruising.

11. sexykitty

My best friend passed away almost 6 years ago. A few weeks before she passed we were hanging out at her place, smoking and watching movies. I was using a mini purple bic lighter (purple being my favorite color, as well as hers). She took my lighter and when I asked for it back, she said I could have it when she was done with it. Every time I saw her after that I’d ask her if she was done with it and she would still refuse to give it back.

She was from Illinois, and we were living in Florida. When she died, some mutual friend’s, my 2.5 yr old son and I drove up to her hometown for the funeral, and we spent almost two weeks up there, visiting with her family, going to all her favorite places around town, saying our goodbyes. They day before we were leaving to come back home, I wanted to go back to the cemetery one more time, since I knew it would be a while before I’d be able to come back. I had my son with me. We parked the stroller, I sat there and talked to her while my son ran around playing. I spent maybe an hour just sitting there, talking. It was time to go, so I put my son back in the stroller and as I went to stick the diaper bag back in the storage compartment underneath, something purple caught my eye. I reached in to see what it was, and my breath caught in my chest, as I pulled back my hand and was holding my purple lighter. It was most definitely not there upon my arrival to the cemetery, yet here it was, laying in my hand. I started crying all over again. She had always said I could have it back when she was done with it and apparently was true to her word.

12. guineapigz

Once when I was 3 or four I was walking around in Walmart holding my moms hand. I decided to play a game with myself and close my eyes and let her lead me, like a seeing-eye dog. After a few twists and turns I open my eyes and look up. This old ass lady was looking down at me and smiling as I held her hand, terrified. Can’t explain it to this day.

13. Fluch20

This happened in like 2003.

I was sleeping on the couch in my living room. My family just moved and I didn’t have my bed set up yet. Anyways, it was about 4 in the morning and I heard panting. Like from a dog. I thought I was just dreaming the sound, because we didn’t have a dog at the time. I tried to ignore the sound, and go back to sleep, but it wouldn’t stop. I listened to the sound and tired to figure out if it was the heater or something, but then I heard whatever it was walk across the floor to right behind the couch where I was sleeping. I distinctly heard the clicking of nails on the hardwood floor and the panting grew louder. I lifted up my head and the sound stopped. I have no idea what it was or what it could have been, but, the story doesn’t stop there. A couple days passed and I was woken up by my mom in the middle of the night. She came down into the living room because she said that she heard what sounded like a dog get up and walk from beside her bed all the way out into the living room where I was sleeping. It still creeps me out when I think about it.

14. linds360

I once put a USB plug in the correct way on the first try.

Once.

15. Rolad

More than once as a child I heard my name being called when no one was around at home. It scared me so much I never really told anyone, but recently my parents made jokes about our old home (now demolished) being haunted because of all the strange noises they would hear at night. I consider myself a rational person and don’t believe in the supernatural, but remembering this really puts me on edge.

16. [deleted]

When I was 12-13, I was sitting on the top of my stairs reading. It was quiet in the house, my Mum was in her room reading as well and my dad and brother were not home. It was a bright, sunny spring day out.

In winter, my grandma had passed from cancer. It was painful, but it was her time and our family had been moving on well. My only regret is that I did not get to say a proper goodbye. I was too young and I had not experienced death yet, so I couldn’t really grasp the situation and couldn’t fathom saying goodbye.

When I sat on those stairs, I heard someone talking to me. It was in a British accent, and my grandma was an immigrant to Canada from England in the 1960s. “Hello jesustitties, how are you?” and a huge conversation broke out. For twenty minutes, I talked with this woman without lifting my head from my book. I never got up to see who I was talking to, I just accepted that I was now talking and I did so. I didn’t feel anything, like I was numb for those 20 minutes.

We discussed my school, life, goals, friends. And after a while, she said “well it was nice to see you again. goodbye” And I said goodbye as well. And that was it. Silence. I sprung up to realize no one was there, that I was talking to no one. It couldn’t have been in my head. I heard the echo of the sound bouncing in the stairwell that I was sitting in, I heard the voice move around, I heard footsteps and movement.

But no one was there. No one was ever there. My mum was still in her room. I went from calm, to curious to terrified in seconds. I let out a huge scream, freaked out and ran into my room too scared to leave again. Well, until dinner time of course.

I still to this day believe that my grandma visited me and gave me the chance to give her a proper reply. But I’m not scared to remember this, it doesn’t give me chills. To remember the moment actually calms me and makes me feel better. I know there is a rational explanation out there, and that I likely just fell asleep and dreamed, but I’m much more at peace with the supernatural reason.

17. ponu

My boyfriend-at-the-time and I were house sitting for his parents one weekend. I was about 19 or 20, so there’s no mistaking what happened.

It was roughly 10pm on a Saturday night. BF is playing a video game in one of the bedrooms, I’m in the living room reading. Nothing spectacular. The house is fairly large, but not overwhelmingly so.

So I’m sitting in a chair in the living room, reading. There’s a fake tree behind me that fills the 3 feet of space between my chair and the wall. There’s a side table to my left, everything’s normal… until a gust, a GUST, of wind/air/spooky shit blows past my face. My hair moves. The tree behind me shakes like A FUCKING GUST OF WIND FROM NOWHERE JUST BLEW THROUGH ITS BRANCHES, and then something, SOMETHING, bangs into the wall. I immediately get the fuck out of there, run to the bedroom where boyfriend is playing games, and just start crying because I had no idea what the fuck just happened.

I finally calm down, then we adventure back into the pit of that evil place to investigate. All doors and windows are locked, tight, sealed, shut. There’s barely even a breeze outside. There is nothing, NOTHING, in the area around the chair to even slightly explain the thud I heard on the wall behind me. House sitting was officially over.

For the remainder of our relationship, I never set foot in that house again after dark. EVER.

18. MsAnnThrope

I was staying at my aunt’s house when I was 12 or so, having a sleepover with one of my cousins. It was probably 2 or 3 in the morning, and I woke up feeling like someone was watching me. I looked toward the door and I saw a boy of about 5 standing there looking at me. He had brown, curly hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks, a birthmark on his left cheek and he was dressed for winter in a red and blue coat, even though it was July. He smiled and waved at me, then turned around and walked through the door.

I told my aunt about it the next morning, and when I described him she got this terrified look on her face and went to get a picture of a boy who looked exactly like I had described. He was my cousin, who had died on Christmas day 1982 (the picture was taken that day), after having suited up to go try out his new sled. They were getting ready to cross the highway when he broke away and ran across the street. He was hit by a truck that couldn’t stop in time. I was only 1.5 years old, so I had no memory of him, and I lived hundreds of miles away, so I wasn’t there that day.

19. nellson13

I go to college in northern Minnesota (Duluth). While there, I met one of my best friends, let’s call him J. J’s brother (M) and roommate (N) live about two hours south of where we go to school, in Minneapolis. One weekend, me and J decided to go visit the two of them, because they’re both 21 and have some pull in the city, so they could get us into bars. We get down there on Friday afternoon, and they say instead of going out tonight, we’re gonna investigate some paranormal stuff at a house their buddy just bought (Apparently, they’re huge into ghosts). So it’s like 2 or 3 on Saturday morning, and we head over to this house. Me, J, M, and N all head into this guy’s basement; crawl space, rather. M pulls out this ouija board and we all sit on the ground and place our hands on the piece. N asks, ‘Are there any spirits with us right now?’ The board answers, ‘Yes.’ He asks, ‘How many?’ It answers, ’1.’ I ask, ‘What’s your name?’ It answers, ‘N A L A.’ ‘Nala.’ We all are extremely creeped out at this point, so we decide to call it quits, because it was working too well, and we had no idea what we were in for. We pack our things up and leave for M & N’s apartment.

So we leave my friend’s brother’s friend’s house, and go back to my friend’s brother’s apartment (still following?). At this point, it’s about 4:30 in the morning, and J’s brother (M, just making sure), has gone to bed. The only three people awake, are me, J, and M’s roommate N. We decide (bad idea, in hindsight), to get the ouija board back out. We sit at their dining room table, place our hands on the piece, and N asks, ‘Are there any spirits here with us?’ It answers, ‘yes.’ I ask, ‘How many?’ It says, ’1.’ We ask its name, and it says nothing. So we start asking questions about us to see how legitimate all this is. N asks, ‘How many people using this Ouija board right now live in this apartment?’ It answers, ’1,’ which is correct. I ask, ‘Where are me and J from?’ It answers, ‘Duluth.’ Now we’re getting a little freaked out, so we make the questions tougher.

Having never met N before, me and J took our hands off the piece and had N ask it questions about the two of us, because there’d be no way to fake it. I go first, and I have N ask the names of my two best high school friends (This is where it gets weird, stay with me). The board answers, ‘M W & T B.’ N has never met them, I never told him anything, but the board got it completely right. J’s turn; same question. It answers ‘G F & D M.’ Totally correct. N gets up from the table, me and J sit down, and ask the same question for a third time, about N’s best friends. ‘W,’ it answers, right, of course. So now we’re getting very freaked out. We decide to make the questions a little tougher. We have N use the board by himself again, and he asks a complex question about our group of friends in college. ‘In C & J’s group of friends, what’s the name of the kid who thinks everyone likes him, but really, nobody can stand him. It answers, ‘T H.’ Nailed it. There’s no pauses between question and answer, no spelling errors, it’s too god damn real.

So we take it to the toughest level we know how to, by writing down something on a piece of paper in a different room, and asking the board about that. J goes first, me and N are at the table. I say, ‘J is in the bathroom writing down a number on a piece of paper. Go in, find out what it is, then come back and tell us.’ Something’s different this time. There’s no immediate answer, as if the spirit itself is going into the bathroom to find out. Another thing to add. M and N have two of the most timid dogs I’ve ever met. When the ‘spirit’ went into the bathroom, the dogs ran in there and started raising hell so loudly at J. It was unbelievable. After a few more seconds, the board answers, ’7.’ J brings the paper out. 7. We’re shaking now. It’s my turn. I go in and write a letter down. They ask the question. Same thing; not immediate, the dogs start to attack me. The board answers. ‘K.’ I bring my paper out. K. 2 for 2. This is getting too real. N goes in the bathroom, writing down a letter/number combo. Same thing for a third time. The board answers, ‘R4.’ N reveals, R4. Finally, we’re getting too scared. We ask, ‘Who are you?’ The board answers, ‘ N A L A.’ Nala. We realize it’s the same spirit from before. N asks, ‘Did you follow us from my friend’s house from before?’ The board answers, ‘Goodbye.’

Do not stare at this image.

Do not stare at this image.

20. jane_fonda

The same name always pops up whenever I’ve used an ouija board or someone within the same house uses a ouija board without me. Didn’t freak me out at first, until one day my little sister mentioned it. I was in my room one night just watching tv and my sister got home from a sleepover. She immediately walked into my room and said “So whos Jack? (lets call him Jack)” It freaked me out because I had never told her about it. Her and her friends had used an ouija board the night before and ‘Jack’ was the one who answered. He said he knew me, and told my sister he had met me when I was 6. He then said we finally spoke a year ago. He gave her the address of the house and the names of all the people involved the first night I used an ouija board. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about because I was scared as hell and I didn’t want her to freak out too.

21. Radiant_Radius

When I was in college, one morning I walked out to my car and there was an unopened 40 of Old English sitting in the passenger seat. I hadn’t put it there. The windows were rolled up and the doors were locked. I was the only one with a key to my car, and I hadn’t given it to anyone. My roommates were both out of town. No explanation was ever proffered by anyone.

I told my friends about it and we chalked it up to “The 40 Fairy”. Of course I drank it.

22. pinkyogurt12

When I was a teenager, I was driving home from an hour and a half away in the wee hours of the morning. I was on the interstate going about 80 mph, and fell asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden, my eyes jumped open, and I saw a shooting star in the sky right in front of my car, the brightest one I have ever seen. Immediately I was wide awake, and about to slam right into a tree. I jerked the wheel to get back on the road, and all was fine. I never fell asleep driving again…

23. SpaceCowboy58

I was out at a local bar one sunday night, and it was basically empty. I was single and alone, and there were only a couple old guys at the bar, who left at about 10pm. I would have left too, as the only other person, the bartender was too busy cleaning the kitchen to talk to me, but I was only about 1 pint into a pitcher so I stayed.

I’m kind of a dork, and remember wearing pants that were a bit too short. I was minding my own business, when I felt a draft at my ankles. I looked up and there was a smoking hot blonde woman in a red dress walking in with a whisp of the thick fog from the street. She was way to hot to be from a normal town, let alone be the kind of woman who would hang around a boring bar like this. I was nervous to talk to her, but felt like it would be more awkward to be the only other person at the bar and not say anything. I got the bartender’s attention and bought her a drink. She smiled and asked me what I was doing there alone. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have anyone to go to the bar with me, so I told her that my friends from out of town were going to meet me, but decided not to because the roads were too foggy.

As the night went on, my pitcher grew empty and I could hardly believe that we had held a conversation so long. I guess the liquid courage really kept me from being the nervous wreck I usually am, that is until she pulled me close. She lead me into a lounge area in a separate room and threw me on the couch, sliding her panties out from under her skirt. She wouldn’t let me protest, and she wasn’t going to slow down, but then I had no objections. She rode me for longer than I can remember, and then we stumbled out of the bar, giggling like we were in high school. I said, “Man that was just what I needed!” and she looked into my eyes, and said “I still need something more.” I paused, “Uh yeah, what?” She leaned in close and whispered softly, “About tree-fiddy.” It was at that moment that I realized that this hot blonde was actually a 3-story monster from the paleolithic era.

To this day I still have no idea what happened.

24. MadameSparks

About 15 years ago, my aunt was coming to visit from 8 hours away, and she always called us at the halfway mark at a restaurant she stops at. She did this, but didn’t show up when she was supposed to. This was before cell phones got entirely popular and we didn’t hear from her at all.

The next day, she finally shows up. She acts like nothing happened, doesn’t give any sort of acknowledgment that she was a full day late. When she finally understands what’s happening, she doesn’t really react. She just says that she needed to go lie down for a bit and to wake her for food. While she’s changing, she calls my mother in to show her the ring of dried blood around her hips. No lacerations or anything that would have caused the blood. She goes home the next day, distraught and confused.

A week later she had to have her ovaries removed.

25. JimDixon

It was a sunny spring day. Three friends and I were walking through a wildlife preserve in a marshy area alongside the Mississippi River near St. Paul, Minnesota. The trail was dry because it was built up a bit, but all the terrain nearby seemed to be in a natural state, a flood plain, I think. There were a few small trees but mostly tall grass. For some reason, we stopped walking and were standing still and talking. While we talked (or maybe while the others talked; I must have been a bit bored) I looked down and stared absentmindedly at a couple of puddles at the edge of the trail. Water was trickling slowly across a patch of mud that separated one puddle from the other. The far side of each puddle disappeared into the grass.

As I watched the trickling water, it slowly came to a stop. Then, after a pause, it started trickling the other way. I told my friends: “Hey, see that water that’s trickling right there? A minute ago, it was going the other way.” They all started watching. A minute or so later, maybe less, the flow gradually stopped, paused, and reversed again. We watched it go through a couple more cycles before we got bored and left.
Not exciting, I suppose, but puzzling.

26. hans_shu_east_gluff

I had a dream when I was 12-13 years old. I dreamt that I was sitting on the floor in my parents living room watching TV. No big deal. Then the door to the garage opens and my mom and a girl I’ve never seen comes in and as they walk past me, the mystery girl steals a kiss on my lips. Being 12-13 years old it was the kind of kiss that spreads tingles up and down my spine. I never had kissed a girl at that time but it felt like love. That kiss affected me because I felt love before I new what it was.

Skip to me at about 26 years old. Sitting on the floor, watching tv at my parents house. Garage door opens and my mom and my girlfriend walk in. They walk to the kitchen and she steals a kiss on the way. I immediately get insane tingling up my spine and that dream comes rushing back to me. We have been together for 8 years now and we are still madly in love. I’d argue soulmate.

27. autumntheory

My dad and I were in the truck on the NE extension of the PA turnpike once, coming up to the Lehigh Tunnel, which probably around 1/8 – 1/4 mile in length. Traffic has slowed down prior to the tunnel, leaving us stuck to crawl through the tunnel at a few miles an hour. We just assume there was something past the tunnel causing the hold up. However, halfway through the tunnel traffic turns into one lane, but awkwardly, not as a well defined passing situation.

As we reach the choke point we finally see what’s cause the backup. In the middle of the tunnel, oriented in the wrong direction is a Honda Civic covered and surrounded by raw meat. As in, large chunks of what must have been pig and chicken parts (definitely not beef, no red meat). The driver seemed fine, and was just staring down at his lap making no attempt to get his car out of the way, or clean the bits off of it. There was no meat truck stopped, and the whole seen was very centralized, not drawn out like meat had slowly fallen out of another vehicle.

To this day we have no idea what actually happened, and Bill Murray might as well have been there because nobody ever fucking believes me. But it happened.

28. ccnova

When my wife and I were on our first date, the key to her car disappeared. Seriously, we couldn’t find it for about half an hour. All of a sudden, while I was searching under the car, I heard a “tink” and there it was. We still don’t know how it even came off the key ring.

29. noizes

We had recently moved into our house and my brother and I where sharing a room, even had bunk beds. It was a basement room and lacking carpet made it perfect for “it’s your guys duty to deal with the puppy at night”.

One night shortly after heading to bed the pup starts to whimper a little bit. Thinking nothing really of it I roll over and put my hand down to pet him. He whimpers a bit more and I assume it caught my brothers attention. Causing him to look over too.

Why the dog started whimpering became rather clear. There was a large blue ‘person’ standing in our room. It was kind of see through but lit. It gave the impression that it was taller and larger than it was. It shouldn’t have been able to stand in our room yet it clearly was. The proportions where off a bit too. The hands went down to his knees and the shins seemed longer too. I remember watching it and getting the feeling it was looking at me. It turned around and walked away. It seemed to take forever and in slow motion. It walk through the open door, across the hall and stopped for a second before it continued walking right out the basement wall.

Once it was gone I asked my brother if he saw something, he said that he had and before he could start talking about it I told him to go tell his story to our parents before I did. I wanted to know that I hadn’t given him details or altered his view. Naturally our parents both thought we made it up before we talked to them. Still the fact remains that we both saw the same blue person thing walk out of our room and through a basement wall.

30. Owone

Was visiting my friend who lived in the states (english dutch here), and went to a party one night in a place i can only describe as bum fuck nowhere. I wasn’t drinking for antibiotical purposes so I was the designated driver for the night. no big deal, Americans drive automatics, it’s not even driving really.

So as we’re about to leave some of the others at the party ask us which way we’re going to be going home, and my friends says whichever what way was the way we were going home. To which they all reply you should probably go the longer way, but we weren’t having any of it. They then told us to at least not stop until civilization. Slightly curious as to what was going on I turned to my buddy and asked what that was all about, to which he replied don’t worry. I didn’t not worry, but we left all the same.

Driving along this winding road, trees either side and no real lighting asides from what was coming from our car, the tarmaced road was full of potholes and was wide enough for the one car. If and when another did pass, both cars would be off the road if you catch my drift.

So as we round this corner, we see this thing lying across the width of the road I slow down to get a better look, and can see that it’s a person. Worried it might be dead, or bleeding or something I slow down next to it, when my friend tells me don’t stop drive around. The way he uttered those words sent chills down my spine. So without saying a word I maneuvered the car off the road, through the ditch and around the lifeless body. As we pull off and check in the rear view mirror, the body sits up, stares at the car, as 4 or 5 other people come out of the bushes staring at us as we drive off, stupidly fast for such a small road.

Later learned they weren’t spirits or ghosts or yeti’s, but modern day highway men. Still scares the shit out of me.

31. Iwasseriousface

I expect everyone to think I am insane, but that’s okay. In high school, I had a really strange dream. I was in a bright room, with a large group of people. I didn’t recognize any of them, except for my best friend, who was sitting across from me. We were playing cards, but I had no idea what the game was. I vaguely remember figuring out that it was a poker game, but I wasn’t familiar with it. The last hand that I played before I woke up, there was a huge pile of chips in the middle of the table. I had a king of diamonds and a queen of spades. I played the hand normally, and everyone showed their cards at the end because it wound up being a situation like Casino Royale, where everyone had crazy hands. I woke up feeling confused about why I had such detail in a dream about something so mundane, as my dreams are usually pretty blurry.

Five years later I was in college, playing Texas Hold ‘Em with my friends getting drunk, as we did from time to time. We were playing in a room we didn’t normally play in because we had more people than usual. The cards come out, and I had a king of diamonds and a queen of spades. Slowly wheels start turning and I get an overwhelming sense of deja vu.

Apparently I looked like I was shitting bricks because someone asked me what was wrong. I announced that I felt like I had been here already. My friends were evenly split amongst non-believers and Christians. The Christians disregarded what I was experiencing as a fluke and scoffed. The non-believers were generally skeptical as well, and they started mocking me. I told everyone to put their cards back on the table, and then proceeded to predict all 10 sets of pocket cards, including suit. I then announced what the burn cards were, as well as the flop, turn, and river.

And I was right, on every single card. I stopped playing cards for a while after that, and I started having serious anxiety issues because I kept having dreams about mundane things, and then dying.

32. Kat_Angstrom

Delivering flyers with my parents, maybe 7-years old. One weekend, did someone else’s neighbourhood for a little extra cash and ended up in a beautiful street I’d never seen before. One whole side of the road was thick forest with the biggest trees I’d ever seen, the other side was upper-middle class houses gently sloping up a hill to a dead end. But it was the forest that caught my eye.

Threw the flyers onto the ground and explored the woods for about five minutes, following a trail, until the folks call and we move to the next street, and the next, and the next after.

I asked my folks where that street was with the forest so I could bike to it, as it was pretty close to my house. They had no idea what I was talking about. Lived in that area for the next 10+ years and knew every corner of it, but never found that street again.

33. SupremeEvan

WHO WAS PHONE?

34. joelrsh

Driving home in VT. Late afternoon come to a four way stop. Stop, no cars, release the break and hear a loud male voice say STOP! I press the break and as I do a car flies through the intersection going at least 50 mph. Scared the crap out of me.

35. Indy_Pendant

Unexplained scars. Each appeared overnight. The cause of the scars is completely unknown to me.

When I was 13, I woke up with what were apparently three large, already-healed wounds across my back. They looked like lash marks from a whip. They didn’t hurt.

When I was 19, a circular wound, about the size of a quarter, appeared just off-center of my spine overnight. They didn’t hurt.

At 30, a “tear” in my skin about 5″ long on my inner thigh. It hurts every day.

I have been to dermatologists to get an idea of what was going on, and all they can tell me is that it’s just normal scar tissue.

36. beantownregular

During my Junior year in highschool, I did a semester away program where I lived on a farm in rural VT. For our science class, we each had to pick a random spot somewhere on the schools 150 Acre campus, and visit it periodically over the course of the four months to research soil types, tree growth, etc. It was basically on us to go out to our sites whenever we had time. Within the 150 acres are probably 80-100 different logging trails, which is how you get around in the forest. The day runs in a weird way where it’s possible for your schedule to give you a few hours free at a time.

Anyway, a good friend, we’ll call him Tim, had borrowed another friends bike to go to his site for a couple hours – a site which was pretty deep into the woods. He left about an hour before lunch and no one would have noticed he was missing for a few hours, had he not come back. During lunch, I was sitting at a table with one of my teachers who, about halfway through lunch, abruptly stood up (we ate family style so this was weird) and told us he was going for a drive. When we asked him why, he seemed kind of agitated and told us that he just felt like he needed to get out for a bit. He hopped in his pickup truck and left down a random logging road.

He found Tim in a ditch, two miles into the forest on that one same logging trail. He’d been going fast down a hill and the brakes had shot out, propelling him into a tree. He’d broken his spine and couldn’t move. He was medi-vac’d to Dartmouth for emergency surgery and ended up paralyzed from the waist down. He probably would have been alright, but he’d tried to drag himself out of the woods and into a more visible position, badly damaging his spinal cord. He said that he was going to keep trying to drag himself towards the school. If our teacher hadn’t had a fucking bizarre impulse to drive slowly down one in a giant network of logging trails in backwoods vermont in the middle of the day, he most likely would have quickly at least become paralyzed from the neck down. The fact that he had such a terrible feeling and made such a seemingly arbitrary decision has always just struck me as inexplicable.

37. IHateLuckyCharms

I woke up sitting in the floor of my kitchen, my back against the refrigerator, with the taste of spoiled milk in my mouth. There were Lucky Charms marshmallows semi-melted in my hands and in my hair.

I have never bought a box of Lucky Fucking Charms in my life.

38. theDeathShip

Sitting on the couch with my dog when I was fifteen, she started growling at something in the left corner of the room. It creeped me out because she only ever growls if somebody is there, and I had never seen her growl at just nothing. The TV at the time was centered on this wall. So the dog’s growling, and all of a sudden her head snaps to the right (like she’s tracking something fast moving across the room) and as her line of sight passes the TV, a clock tumbles off of it like it was knocked off. It was broad daylight and all of the curtains were open.

39. syncopator

Last fall I truck-camped at my archery hunting spot one night after work so I could be out hunting at daylight. I had camped in this spot a few times before and it always felt just a little weird but I didn’t think much about it. It’s in the sagebrush-juniper high desert in the middle of nowhere, an hour from a paved road and five miles up a rock two-track that is virtually untraveled by anyone but me during archery season. There’s a natural spring, a good wide flat spot, and some old loose rock foundations up against a hillside nearby from early Chinese mining labor settlements.

Instead of messing with a tent I just set myself up a nest in the backseat of my truck (full size four-door), grab a beer, plug in my laptop and start a movie to wind down (Super Troopers, not Texas Chainsaw Massacre or anything). About a half hour later…

THUMP… Someone jumped in the back of my truck.

It wasn’t that I heard something and started wondering about it, or thought I saw something moving and got myself freaked out about it. I felt the truck move with the weight and heard the noise of someone climbing in. I didn’t even question for a millisecond what had happened. I grab my .45, throw the door open and shoot out from under the sleeping bag/blanket pile I had moments before been quietly chilling under.

Nothing. The open door turns on a cargo light which shines right into the bed of the truck, and there clearly isn’t anything in it that isn’t supposed to be. The moon is out, and in this country that means you can see remarkably well for quite a distance. Nothing but sagebrush. As I come to grips with the fact that there is no one else around, my brain starts throwing facts at me– the only road in here is clearly visible from where I am, and there is absolutely no way someone could get here without me knowing it unless they walked a couple miles in the dark just to scare the shit out of me.

I slowly calm down, open a beer, open another beer, and convince myself it was somehow just the truck “settling” after the rough drive and the noise was “in my head”. It’s way to early to try staying awake until daylight, and I’m not going home, so nothing to do but forget about it and get some sleep. Settle back in, have some chuckles from the movie, drift off…

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. Someone is knocking on the window by my head. I open my eyes and it’s brighter out than I expect. My first thought is I have overslept, it’s morning, and someone is knocking on my truck window because… ? I am so sure someone is standing outside the door of the truck, I open it slowly so as not to smack them with it.

It is bright out, but only because the moon is now shining directly on that side of the truck. It’s not morning, and there isn’t anyone there. Somehow, until that moment I had forgotten about the shenanigans from earlier in the evening. When I suddenly remembered them, every fiber of calm in my body tried to evacuate directly out my tightly clenched rectum.

I instantly threw everything I had taken out of the truck into the bed, jumped in, and drove out. Spent three hours driving around, drinking coffee, listening to the radio, waiting for daylight. Obviously never camped there again, and even when I go near that spot at high noon I get creeped the fuck out.

40. [deleted]

when I was young I would see faceless, formless people peeking around corners and looking at me until I turned my head to look at them. I only ever saw them as a blurry outline in the periphery of my eyes, but their movement and shape were unmistakably humanoid.

This would happen often, however I noticed it a lot more when I was alone.

One day I decided to play a game with one of them, who would duck away every time I looked. So I would turn away and try to catch it unaware as it began to peek back out again.
Every time I looked away longer it would get bolder, peeking out further and further until I could see a shoulder, a torso, a leg shuffle out. And eventually it would step out entirely and watch me through the doorway.

At this point, i smiled and knew there was no way it could hide in time, so I whipped my head across to look at it and saw something that resembled a emaciated flesh morph suit.
I would rather put this down to active imagination, because some things shouldn’t be explained. TC mark

image – Flickr / Slava V.

Shia LaBeouf Is Braver Than The Internet

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I have put down my pen, my clipboard, and my petition to put a stop to “think pieces” so I could write this “think piece.” It was tough decision to do this, as we were breaking ground and had nearly 20 signatures, but I felt I needed to say something that would in turn make you think my exact thoughts and feel my exact feelings. Because you, yes you, deserve to know the truth. So, yeah.. congrats.

At 11AM Tuesday morning, the first press release for Shia LaBeouf’s new art exhibit #IAMSORRY came out. I had been following his story since his departure from the Broadway play “Orphans”, and thought none too highly of him. If you don’t know the “Orphans” story, basically he quit a Broadway show that he was starring in alongside Alec Baldwin, and wrote insane tweets about it like an insane human. I cut him a little bit of slack for this because Alec Baldwin is a dump truck of a guy and I’ve known at least 12 gaffers that Mr. Baldwin has personally driven to suicide.

After that came Shia’s plagiarized short film. Then the plagiarized letters apologizing for said plagiarized short film. Then he plagiarized Lena Dunham which is the one thing you cannot do on the internet. Then the paper bag over his head that read “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE”. And then 11AM came. I remembered a time in my life when I admired Shia. A time in my life when I was obsessed with a young Amanda Bynes. The talent they were endowed with was undeniably unique and powerful. And now they have been driven to mental hospitals, and even worse, performance art. But my first impulse about these latest Shia developments was relief because I thought this “art project” meant he was pulling a Joaquin Phoenix in “I’m Still Here”. And look at Joaquin, he’s doing great! Seriously proud of that dude.

I immediately screenshotted the article and sent it to my friend, a journalist, who I knew would get a kick out of it. “I don’t want to go to this, but I really want to go to this,” I said. He replied in seconds. “I just have to shower then I am headed over.” So I made it official with a facebook status that read, “I’m about to have Shia LaBeouf apologize to me at an art gallery off of La Brea and honestly I feel great about it,” (55 likes and counting!) and I headed over to that art gallery a little past La Brea, which is statistically the most popular area in LA to say, “No, I’m going to take it easy tonight,” when you are invited there.

When I arrived, there was a group of huddled sweatshirts dressed up like people waiting in line. My friend had already gone in. He saw me walking and pulled me aside. “I just went in. They make you go in alone, one by one. It’s really intense. They have a bunch of props on a table, like a bottle of whiskey, a rope, some cologne. I took the pink ukulele because, why not.” It already sounded way too much like a bar mitzvah, but my friend’s face was flushed and his eyelashes were damp, so I listened on. “I asked him if he wanted to talk, and he said no. Then he just stared at me, so I started playing the Ukulele. That was when he started to cry.” My friend whom I trust seemed moved and shaken up by the experience. He told me to go in and tell him everything that happened to me. I said okay. He left.

In line, there were about 12 or 14 people who all knew each other. They were all from the same online publication that happens to be very successful. I won’t say the name because I know they have a great legal team over at Buzzfeed. Oh, shit. I didn’t mean to… And now my delete button on my keyboard is broken! Fuck!! Buzzfeed. It was Buzzfeed.

I observed the sweatshirt people carefully and closely because I wanted to hear what the writers of one of the snarkiest websites out there had to say. I have never been a fan Buzzfeed because I find it not critical, but instead very ill-intentioned and unfair. So I stayed quiet, waiting to hear what genius prose would come whirling out of their mouths. Much to my surprise, the only things I heard were “I’m nervous!” and “This seems weird!”, which sounded familiar and then I realized they were just quoting Shakespeare. Word on the street we were standing on was that you would actually have to be present with another human being! This was a huge change for these people who hide in their shiny new office and write lists of hateful things about a 16 year old actress from “Homeland” that is just trying to do her job, or comparing faces of celebrities to faces of animals. COMEDY! (It turned out their office was conveniently located across the street, again, a little past La Brea.)

Someone asked two of the Buzzfeed writers why they were there.

“To ask him to remake Even Stevens.”

“No, really, what do you think of this whole situation?”

“No, really, I’m just here to ask him to remake Even Stevens.”

There was a “journalist” from another publication mocking the security guard about his job with obviously false friendliness. “Yeah? Maybe I’ll hire you someday!” Everyone around me was being horrible and saying things like, “The world should fire him.” I even heard a “He deserves death” in a joking voice. And for the first time, I not only felt bad for Shia, I wanted him to win. Win against the internet. The internet that created a projection of him and other struggling celebrities out of their own lack of humanity. As I watched these people fumble over words in normal conversation, stand with folded arms and hunched backs, and belittle hard working security guards, I questioned how I had ever taken anything on the internet seriously.

Then it was time for the sweatshirts with faces to go in. First up, a quiet girl. The people ahead of her had been inside from four to seven minutes, but no more than 20 seconds later, a knock on the door from inside. It was time for the next person. I was confused to why it ended so quickly. Did she say something wrong and got kicked out? Did she try to take the bag off her head? She left out the back door, and walked directly back to her office. Next up. 20 seconds, door knock. I had no idea what was going on. She comes out and says, “It was so awkward! I had to get out of there!” One by one, they went in, and one by one, every 20-30 seconds, another would follow. Each coming out saying, “That was stupid,” or “I’m so uncomfortable right now.”

It occurred to me that these people could not sustain a half a minute of eye contact. They were deeply uncomfortable with human interaction. And these are the humans that we are trusting with judgement calls on other humans? These shallow, scared people are allowed to tell a celebrity they are ugly from the safety of their desks or even beds, but they don’t know how to look at eyes?

Next was my turn. Basically enraged by my line waiting experience, I took a deep breath and went in the room. I decided to choose a flower. The woman running it handed me the whole bouquet, but I asked for just one. I entered the next room, sat down, put the flower on the table between up and said, “I’m not like them.” He started crying instantly, so did I. I don’t know if he was acting or not – he cried with my friend, too, and others – but what I saw was real pain. Pain that I had experienced. Pain that we have all experienced. He was sharing something with me, fake or not, and I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to say that I appreciated this moment. I wanted to say how much I hated Buzzfeed. I wanted to tell him that we all fuck things up when we are scared, but most of us don’t have to read lists about our failures and inconsistencies, and that I understand why he would act out. But I didn’t say any of that. All I said was “I’m sad too,” touched his arm and walked out. He was shaking crying when I left.

What he did in that room showed more courage than a list, a review, even, dare I say it, a think piece. There will be speculation of course about this art project of his. I’ve already read some articles and tweets about how “he just sat there!”. And yes, true, usually when I sit across from a bag of flour in a flannel, I am not moved to cry either. People will say, “He was probably just fake crying. He is a good actor.” But what I saw didn’t feel fake. It felt scared. It felt full of pain. It felt sorry.

When I walked out the back door, there was another journalist waiting for me. She had actually been nice in the line, so I talked to her. I was teary eyed and she looked at me and paused. “Do you think it’s pronounced LaBOOF or LaBUFF?”

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