1. Here, take a painkiller.

My granny was awesome. Hilarious, offensive, inappropriate, etc. My cousin and I once got arrested in Mexico and had to bribe the cops. She was the only one in the family we told about the incident, she reimbursed us the bribe money we paid.

Anyway, she got really sick and was in and out of the hospital. I had a new girlfriend I really wanted her to meet so I brought my girlfriend for the weekend to visit a couple weeks before my birthday. Right before I leave, she has two things to say. First, “I really like that girl, if you ever break up with her I won’t talk to you anymore.” Second, “I’m probably going to die before your birthday, so here’s 50 bucks and one of my pain pills, you gotta try them, they’re great.” That was the last thing she said to me, she died a week later. RIP Granny, I miss you. – Monkey_Fist

2. I have a question for you and it’s really important.

I had a conversation with my grandma on the phone when I was a kid, which led to one of the strangest questions she had ever asked me, “smbeas, do… do you like leaves?” The question hit me like a truck, I’d never thought about it before. I began to wonder if I liked leaves or if I hated them. This process took all about 3 seconds before I replied, “Yeah, grandma, I do like leaves.” The next card I got in the mail from her had a stack of leaves in it. – smbeas

3. I know you need these for the boys…

The second week of college, my grandma sent me an envelope with two pairs of hot pink and purple fishnet underwear (totally see through) and $4 in singles. I’m still not sure what she was trying to say. The next month, she sent me a box of Corn Flakes, and inside that box was a box of Mini Wheats. – cylonsympathizer

4. This is how much I care about you.

My grandma mailed me her hearing aid batteries inside of a Christmas card. It had my name on it an everything. When I called to explain to her what had happened, she couldn’t hear me. – tmekk

5. Here’s some…money.

Growing up, my Grandma used to give me a twenty dollar bill whenever my parents and I went to see her. I would grin every time because in my mind it meant a new power ranger toy. Now I’m eighteen and she’s ninety-one. Her hearing is bad, she can barely see and she most likely has some form of dementia. She doesn’t have twenties in her purse anymore, so when she slips an imaginary bill into my hand saying “Spend it in the best of health”, I say “I will grandma” and slide it into my pocket. – youlosepoints

6. Then why does it move?

My mormon step-grandmother bought me a vibrator… She thought it was meant for massages. Very awkward Christmas to a 14-year-old girl being asked to walk around the room and rub people’s backs with it. – Breheart

7. The postman will take care of it.

Milk. By UPS. From Texas to California. In the middle of summer. Think about it. – sifu_scott

8. Just in case there’s a zombie attack.

My grandfather sent me a case of .22 shells and a gallon on windshield wiper fluid. My freshman year of college, living in the dorms, with no car, and definitely no gun. – KTrout17

9. He’ll need it…someday.

I got a car tire from my grandfather once just in case I needed it. He didn’t even give it to my parents or brother but to the one person in the family that didn’t even have her license at the time. He brought it over JUST for me. I was so confused. – [deleted]

10. Must touch…for science…

An older man with an accent at a party asked me “May I please touch your neck?” (at the time it was a good bit wider than my head). Being a good sport I said “yeah.” He proceeded to go on about how he was fascinated by the neck muscles of well built men, while pressing my neck muscles and pushing my head from side to side. His wife confirmed this and told me he often asks young men if he can look at/examine their necks and they always say no, and that it was a pretty big day for him. TL;DR: I have a massive neck and let an old man touch it. For Science. – DeLaRey

11. You are such a nice young man.

I work at an independent movie theater in the town next to mine, and the audience is primarily elderly folk. One day a woman came in and I happened to be selling the tickets. She came up to my register and bought two tickets for herself and her husband. I rang her up and gave her the change, and she said she had something for my service. I assumed that she would hand me back the few dollars of change I had given her. Instead, she dug into her purse and gave me an old, half full chapstick. She told me to have a nice day. I got trolled by an old woman. – 0alien

12. Wait, I did what?

When I got married, my wife’s parents elderly neighbor gave us a Crown Royal bag full of gold coins. Each one was like .8 ounces of gold, and the total value at the time was around $12k.

Long story short, he was fairly senile, and when we went to thank him in person, it became quite clear that he had no idea what he had given us, so we gave it back. He insisted, so I told him we’d keep one coin and it was still too generous of him. – ShillinTheVillain

13. It’s been quite some time since I’ve been wet.

A few years ago at a family Christmas party, my great grandmother decided to have a glass of spiked eggnog. Later on, my mom wanted me to take a picture with my now tipsy great grandmother. I sat down next to her and she leaned over and said, “I haven’t been with a man in a very long time.” Hearing this mortified me. I told my mom to hurry up and take the picture, and then walked away rather quickly. She then kissed me on the cheek. I was a bit freaked out for the rest of the evening because of that… – TheDolphinMan

14. No comment.

A blowjob.

Yeah, I said it.

I’m not ashamed, either. She was a widow, 74, but could have passed for 60 in soft lighting (and did). I was a horny 19-year-old. There wasn’t any abuse or coercion involved on either side. I was working for a tree-trimming company for the summer, and we had a contract to do an assisted living home’s trees. A nice old gal was having lunch on the patio of her little age 55+ apartment when I came by to prune her maple.

She offered me a sandwich and a cold glass of water, I accepted, we got to talking, she invited me in, gave me head in her handicapped-accessible bathroom (it had a seat in the shower and grab bars by the toilet — I made some use of the latter) and then sent me on my way. Nice old gal. I like to think I made her life more exciting.

The funny thing was, she chased me out right after not because she was embarrassed about hooking up with a guy her grandkids’ age, but because she was worried that her CNA would come in and think she had someone under 55 living with her. – SoftYakEarmark

15. Christmas gifts!

My grandmother always used to give my mum money for my Christmas and birthday because she didn’t feel like like she knew what I would like.

One time she actually did buy me something when I was like 11, it was a little book for a 6 yr old with buttons built in to look like a piano and it had songs like Mary had a little lamb (3 2 1 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 3 3 3).

She immediately realised her mistake and apologised for giving me a baby present.

I learnt every single fucking one of those songs by heart.

I miss her so much. – evilbrent

16. I’ve got your back, bro.

My very old fashioned christian grandma gave me a giant box of magnum condoms before I left for college. Fortunately it wasn’t already opened. – Erobre

17. Looking out for you.

My grandma gave me a rape whistle for Christmas. – TerrorTabby

18. What’s this? A myPhone?

My grandma was looking for her cellphone and was very frustrated because she was already late for something.

My great-grandma, wanting to be helpful, picked up a small pencil sharpener in the shape of a squash and asked “IS THIS A CELLPHONE?!?!?!”

Omg, my sister and I DIED laughing. – BinderStapleTape

19. I thought you should see these.

One Valentine’s Day, my grandmother sent me a package. I opened it, and a cigarette butt fell out (she was a chain smoker).

Inside the package was a nightshirt for a 40-something woman with some kind of middle aged witticism (wildly inappropriate for middle school aged me), and a card.

The card was an uplifting Valentine’s message, and enclosed were before and after photos of my grandfather’s recently removed skin cancer. – microminimalist

20. Oh grandma!

Once my grandma brought dish towels for my new apartment in college. I was sharing it with my girlfriend that she hadn’t met yet. She expressed a bit of embarrassment later, when she thought I wasn’t there, since the towels were watermelon themed. Black girlfriend. – thelordofcheese

21. He’s how old?

When I was a freshman in high school we visited my grandfather in Korea, and he kept on thinking I was 6-years-old, so every time he’d see me he would hand me boxes of Choco Pies or other Korean snack cakes. By the time we left I had about ten boxes of half eaten Korean Ding Dongs in my luggage, and I kept every single one of those.

Alzheimer’s is a helluva disease. – ArrenPawk

22. Grandma knows just the thing!

Easter morning (keep in mind I’m 20 at the time), I come walking down the stairs to say hi to everyone Easter morning. I walk into the kitchen and I see three Easter baskets. I see my name and thank my Grandmother for getting me one. I then proceed to look into the basket and I see a 20 pack of condoms and lubrication. Thanks grammie… – jbrown88

23. SERIOUSLY? FOR CHRISTMAS?

My grandparents are known for being cheap. One of the legendary stories in our family is the time my grandmother gave my aunt canned ham for Christmas. My dad had just started dating my mom and thought it was a joke so he burst out laughing. My mom had to usher him out of the room and explain it to him.

Oh, and my grandma is a millionaire so it kind of makes her cheapness even more comical. – Kaytala

24. You’re a man now. *wink*

When I graduated from high school, my grandma came over and presented me with a lovely gift bag. Inside was a six pack of beer and a hustler magazine.

She said, “You’re an adult now. Enjoy.”

One of the pictures in the magazine was of a girl urinating on a rock. My grandma quipped, “They certainly didn’t have those types of pictures in the blue rags back in my day.”

It was a nice family afternoon. – [deleted]

25. GRANDMA I’M FUCKING 8, HOW CAN I CASH THIS IN????

One year for my birthday (I was maybe 8?), my Grandma gave me a check for like 21 cents.

Later that day, my Grandma gave me another check for like 36 cents.

It was a great Birthday. – Adaptingfate

26. Nana’s done it again!

I had just celebrated my 12th birthday and pulled into the driveway after dinner with my parents and went up to the front door to see three pair of thongs/sexy underwear hanging on the doorknob outside and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, along with a card signed “Nana”. My mom was all WTF. But the last Christmas she was alive she got me a pink snuggie. I miss her sometimes.

shutterstock.com

1. We used to swing from the vines of our backyard willow trees pretending to be Tarzan. On more than one occasion we both snapped the branches off and landed flat on our backs. That was my first experience with getting the wind knocked out of me.

2. We put on every pair of pajamas and article of sports clothing we could find and rollerbladed in the driveway. For all neighbors to see.

3. We filled up a storage bin with water from the hose and sat in it on hot summer days. Also, I’m pretty sure I almost got hypothermia from this.

4. I used to make him pretend to be my dog. I made him wear a Dalmatian costume and named him Prudence. His “doghouse” was the hallway closet.

5. We used to line the couch cushions up in the hallway and jump over them. Like those hurdle jumpers in the Olympics.

6. We used to pretend our bikes were horses and we would joust with twigs. Surprisingly, no injuries resulted.

7. Our closets shared a back wall, so rather than talk in each other’s rooms, we would sit in our closets, separately, and talk through the wall.

8. We vacuumed the cat.

9. Our mom made us a tree swing that bordered right on a row of trees in our backyard. Naturally, we took turns pushing each other into the trees when she wasn’t looking.

10. Our backyard fort was EPIC. With the neighbor kids, we created the most impressive labyrinth of a fort. We even had individual rooms (trees) for each person and swept the floor daily (which was dirt).

11. Experimental cooking. One particularly impressive dish was made of cake batter, smarties, and licorice. Hellooooo diabetes!

12. We used to shoot apples with a plastic bow and arrow. Never have I ever been so sticky in my life as I was on that day.

13. We used to pretend we were Amish and would collect fireflies and put them in a Tupperware cup. For some reason we thought this was the method the Amish used to see at night. Kid logic.

Handshakes are weird. I can’t wait until society evolves past the need for human beings to extend their right hands in hopes of a mutual embrace, because it’s not working anymore. It should be one of the easiest and most straightforward things that I have to deal with in my daily life. But it’s not. It’s always a new opportunity for confusion, missed social cues, and entire days afterward spent in isolation, fixated on that terrible feeling of an unnecessarily awkward moment.

“Always make sure you give a firm handshake,” I remember by Aunt Mary-Kate instilling this advice upon me from a very young age. “Nobody wants to feel like they’re holding onto a dead fish wrapped in newspaper.” And yeah, that’s some very descriptive imagery, and so it stuck with me, that feeling. Every time I’d shake hands with someone weaker of grip than I, it would be like a trigger, I’d not only feel that fish, but I’d get a fishy smell, I could feel individual scales falling off, somehow getting through the cracks of the newspaper and getting stuck on my clothes, my shirt sleeves, I’d absent-mindedly put my fingers to my lips later in the day and I’d get one of them in my mouth.

Gross. Totally imaginary, but disgusting nonetheless. And let’s be real for a minute, are actual handshakes any less gross? We don’t know what everybody’s doing with their hands. And I don’t want to spell out any more fabricated scenarios, but I’m telling you, I could come up with ten things off the top of my head that would make you physically ill. And number one on that list might very well be hands that have just finished gutting and scaling a fish. Maybe you even washed your hands. But how thoroughly? Did you get that fishy stuff out from underneath your fingernails?

OK, I’m moving on. But a firm handshake, yeah, a lot of the world ascribes to that point of view. Most of the time it’s harmless enough, I’ll go in for a shake, you’ll go in for a shake, the difference in strength will be minimal enough that the resulting clasp is almost equal. But that’s not always the case. Every once in a while I’ll overdo it.

I might see someone coming my way, I’ll automatically assess their potential grip, and I’ll try to match their strength accordingly, all while still making sure that the first word that other person thinks of when they grab my hand is, “Firm.”

Like I said, it gets awkward sometimes. In my overzealousness to prove to the world that I’m the strongest of hand, I’ll be holding that dead fish and I’ll be squeezing it just hard enough that its eyes will be bulging out of the sockets. Believe me, this is about as fun for me as it is painless for you. I make a quick up, down, up, and then release. There’s so much nonverbal communication going on in this action that I’m left stuck in my head for a few minutes. Like, did that person understand why I was shaking so hard? Does this person now realize that a proper handshake is a prerequisite to beginning any sort of face-to-face interaction?

I can only hope so. That’s what I’ve been taught anyway. Maybe they just think I’m a huge macho asshole. But I can’t help it. Even though I really don’t like the handshake, I have to respect its proper form. Firm. Shake. Find the nearest bathroom so I can get that false scent of trout or flounder out of my head.

Then there’s the flip side, when I see somebody coming my way and they might as well be wearing a custom screen-printed t-shirt that says, “Get ready, I’m about to dole out one of the firmest shakes you’ll ever handle.” And so I wind up, I’ve got a bullshit smile on, my elbow is cocked back a full forty-five degrees, and then right as we both go in for the grip, I really jab it in there. I want that flap of skin connecting my thumb and index finger together to make an audible slapping sound, all before coming down on the other person’s hand with a strength that starts in my neck, builds as it picks up steam down my shoulders, my biceps giving everything they’ve got to my forearm, and then, clench, there it is, the handshake to end all handshakes.

And not all of the time, but every once in a while I’ll meet my handshake match, someone who came to win with a five-fingered intensity I often forget others beside myself are capable of possessing. I’ll feel the initial squeeze as an elite shake, and I’ll react similarly, summoning everything that I’ve got, doing my best to squeeze the life out of my counterpart, all while maintaining the casual smile that says, “Hey! It’s so great to see you!”

It’s on, we’re both in it for something more than just hello at this point. Grip, up, down, up, down, up, down, now it’s getting awkward, and the both of us having made about as much of a show of hand strength as is appropriate in a public setting, we’ll loosen the grip, recoil our hands making sure not to massage the knuckles with the lefty.

Now is the moment when one of us would say, “Wow, that’s some handshake you’ve got there.” But I’m not going to say it, so if anybody’s going to do it, it’s going to be the other party, to which I’ll smile and say, “Thanks.”
It’s such a dick move, I know it, making such a competition out of what should be nothing more than a pleased-to-meet-you. But it’s how we do it. We shake hands. The ones who are really good at it, it’s like we’ve constantly got something to prove, everybody we meet is a potential hand rival.

I can’t take it any more. I’m thinking about wearing a cast just so I can excuse myself from these silly formalities. And why can’t we switch to high-fives? Everybody loves high-fives. If you do it just right, anyone within earshot will benefit from the sound of two people really saying hi. And it’s more than just hi. A high-five is “What’s up?” it’s, “All right!” it’s, “Yes!”

Let’s do away with the handshake and replace it with the high-five. Fist bumps are cool too, but every time I try to go for one, it’s either only in my head, or only in the other person’s head. And so it turns into one fist that’s kind of awkwardly cradled by the would-be handshake of another person.

You know what? Just wave. I’ll wave back. It’ll be cool. Let’s save our hands for something else.

The Onion / Youtube.com

1. You have never been able to find any key chain with your name on it.

In all seriousness, this is not that big of a deal. But when you’re seven years old and not a single key chain, pen, or stationary has your name on it, it gets to you a little. And the oddest part is that you will never stop looking. I know I will never ever find my name on any of those items, but that doesn’t stop me from looking for it every damn time. Y’know, in case my name becomes common all of a sudden.

2. People genuinely cannot say your name.

Imagine a scenario in which someone asks you your name, you tell them, and they say it back to you with a completely different pronunciation than the one you used. Excuse me sir, did you think I was lying to you? Did you think I accidentally pronounced my own name wrong? What in the world would make you think that my name sounds like anything other than what I just uttered?

3. The first day of school is a nightmare.

As is the day your college professor passes back all the tests. There comes a point in your life when you recognize the look of confusion on the professor’s face when they get to your general area of the alphabet, and you decide to take one for the team and step forward. Assuming they’re stuck on your name is far easier than dealing with the awkward pronunciation that is about to ensue.

4. People think you’re foreign.

I actually can’t count the amount of times someone has thought I was saying a different name with a British accent. Which then leads to the question of where I’m from. Are my parents foreign too?

5. People don’t believe that it is actually a name.

First, people will tell you they’ve never heard that name before. And then when you explain its origins, they ask if your parents made it up. Well, ummm, no, because I just gave you the origins of the damn thing. They’ll ask if it’s a nickname for something, they’ll ask where your parents are from, and they’ll ask every question they can think of until they finally accept that it’s a name and there’s nothing they can do about it.

6. When you find someone who actually knows your name, it’s like winning the lottery.

There is nothing more satisfying in life than finding a person who not only pronounces your name correctly the first try, but also knows exactly where it came from. Heck, they even have a great aunt with that name.

7. People think it’s okay to make fun of your name.

Umm hello? I understand that it may not be your cup of tea, and sometimes it isn’t mine, but I have to live with it. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned to love my name. But I can’t count the amount of times I’ve gotten a “REALLY?! I thought my name was bad!” or a “Don’t worry honey, you’re prettier than your name!” I actually cannot consider a situation in which I would ever say that to another person, but I’ve gotten it too many times for it to be okay.

8. There is literally only one of you in any social group.

If a rumor is spread about you, it’s spread about you. It’s not about a girl named Mary that someone will forget tomorrow. Oh, no siree. You’re the only person with that name in a 500-mile-radius and you are sure as hell known for your actions. Consider this: if my name was Sarah and I hooked up with a boy, that boy’s friends and peers would not know the difference between me and every other Sarah at my college. But when I hook up with a boy and then proceed to introduce myself to other people, I am constantly met with the “ OHHH you’re ______’s girl!” My name is so distinguishable that people know who I am the second they meet me.

9. You don’t know why people put your last name in their phones.

As if you’re going to confuse me with the other Eileen?

10. You have a special way of explaining your name to people.

You dumb it down for them, so when the look of pure confusion comes across their face (as it usually does) you can help them out by explaining it in its simplest terms. In fact, you may even have a rhyme for it.

11. People find the weirdest nicknames to give you.

It starts with the mean ones, the ones they know will annoy you. Somewhere along the line your friends try to be clever and give you a cute (it’s probably not that cute) nickname that they try to use often. And then finally, when you think they’ve thought of every single nickname for your weird name, someone decides to call you by the first letter of your name. And nothing else. Just that first letter. As if you’re in an episode of Pretty Little Liars.

12. You’ve considered changing your name.

Not legally, of course. But when you graduated high school and went to a new place full of strangers, you considered changing what people call you. Wouldn’t it be so easy to tell someone that your name is this, but people call you this? Or even better, to go by your middle name, just to make life a little bit easier?

1. Aerial Phenomena Enquiry Network

Also shortened to APEN, these unknown “investigators” contact UFO researchers through letters and cassette tapes offering pieces of information. Contact is almost always one way; that is, they contact you when you are required. Members of APEN also knew of the Berwyn Mountain UFO incident in Wales, when only the British government was aware of the incident.

APEN members have been known to enter homes without knowledge of their owners and take files concerning UFO-related incidents.

Interestingly, in all of the known instances of where APEN has requested an audience, they have been declined by the individuals that were asked.

Researchers believe APEN to be a hoax carried out by a group of people against the UFO community. However, no one has admitted to belonging to APEN so far.

2. Aum Shinrikyo (Aleph)

The Aum Shinrikyo are a terrorist organization that is also a cult that operates in Japan. The cult was founded in 1984 by Shoko Asahara, and gained international notoriety after members carried out the Sarin Gas attack in Tokyo in March 20, 1995. The attack killed 13 people, and wounding several hundred others. They had also released Sarin gas in July of 1994 in retaliation of a verdict (regarding land dispute) that they knew would go against them.

Aleph claims to have over 40,000 members worldwide, but conservative estimates place their membership at 1,000.

Japanese local government continues to deny members of Aleph any assistance and denying jobs and education for their children.

3. Prince Philip Movement

The Prince Philip Movement is a religious sect in Vanuatu that believes Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh is a divine being. It is believed that the cult formed sometime in the 1950s, and the members’ beliefs only strengthened when visited by Prince Philip himself in 1974. His birthday is celebrated with a gigantic feast and signed portraits of the Prince are treasured and taken care of with utmost reverence.

4. Unification Church

Also called Family Federation for World Peace and Unification, or Moonies, the members believe that their founder, Sun Myung Moon (deceased, 2012) is the True Father.

The Unification church is most well-known for its mass-marriage ceremonies, which have even made it to contemporary novels, most notably in Don DeLillo’s Mao II.

They have been accused of brainwashing new members and anti-Semitic. 1in 1982, founder Sun Myung Moon was found guilty of tax fraud and conspiracy, landing him an 18-month sentence and $15,000 fine.

The organization is conservative in nature, supporting conservative political figures (they supported Richard Nixon during the Watergate Scandal) and have stakes in conservative media outlets like The Washington Times.

Many of their members are in financially lucrative positions throughout the United States.

5. Children Of God (Family International)

Formed in 1968, possibly from the hippie movement, the “new religious movement,” abducted children and moved them to foreign countries to prevent authorities and parents from getting to them. They also believe in having a “sexual relationship” with Jesus, which they describe as “loving Jesus“.

6. Interplanetary Phenomenon Unit

Supposedly formed in the 1940s for UFO research, this branch of the US Army was formally disbanded in the late 1950s, as per this FOIA request.

Please be advised that the Interplanetary Phenomenon Unit of the Scientific and Technical Branch, Counter Intelligence Directorate, Department of the Army, was disestablished during the late 1950’s and never reactivated. All records pertaining to this unit were surrendered to the U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations in conjunction with operation “Bluebook.
We regret that we are unable to be of more assistance concerning this matter. – cufon.org

UFO-logists believe that IPU is a Top-Secret military organization and their task is to investigate UFO-related events, but all investigative requests by UFO research organizations have been denied by the US Army.

7. Montana Freemen

Montana Freemen entered the national spotlight when in 1996, they were in a standoff with the FBI. The Freemen had declared independence from the US government and rejected US authority.

They were, however, prone to using counterfeit US dollars, which caught the eye of the FBI when the Freemen attempted to purchase $1.4 million worth of ammunition, bulletproof vests, and firearms.

They were a Christian Patriot movement based in Montana, and called their compound the Justus Township. The standoff lasted 81 days and the Freemen finally surrendered on June 14, 1996.

8. Order Of The Solar Temple

Also known as Ordre du Temple Solaire (OTS) in French, is a secret society that is based off the Knights Templar. It was started in 1984 by Joseph Di Mambro and Luc Jouret.

Members of the Order Of The Solar Temple began to act swiftly, under orders from Di Mambro and Jouret, in the mid-90s. Starting with the murder of a 3-month-old baby at the group’s center in Quebec, the organization performed a Last Rites supper soon after. Mass suicides were conducted with poison and bullets to the head. All suicides and murders were around solar solstices and equinoxes, which were significant to the beliefs of the group.

In 1995, French authorities discovered another mass suicide by members of the Order Of The Solar Temple. In 1997, a house exploded in Quebec, which was later determined to be another mass suicide by five members of the organization.

9. The People’s Temple Of The Disciples of Christ

Or more commonly known as Peoples Temple, was founded by Jim Jones. They are perhaps the most well-known doomsday cult, in part due to the media coverage of the Jonestown Massacre (or, known formally as Peoples Temple Agricultural Project), where 920 people died in Guyana.

There is an audio clip that documents the moment immediately before their suicide.

“We didn’t commit suicide, we came here in an act of revolutionary suicide protesting the conditions of an inhumane world…”

10. The Process Church Of The Final Judgment

Or known as Process Church, was formed in the 1960s by Robert Moor and Mary Anne MacLean. The two founders met at through the Church of Scientology and set up their own heardquarters, located in London. Their beliefs soon became an entanglement of Satanism and Christianity, to which they claimed that Lucifer, Jehovah and Satan had been reunited.

11. Creativity

Creativity is a religious ethnocentric organization that is described as a Neo-Nazi group. It was founded in 1973 (now complete with a BBS totaling 412 members) by Ben Klassen. Klassen “published” a racial manifesto, which outlined racial socialism.

They currently have two published works of literature out: Nature’s Eternal Religion, the founding text of Creativity; and White Man’s Bible.

The dedication in the White Man’s Bible reads:

Dedicated towards developing the tremendous potential of Nature’s Finest – the WHITE RACE. May this book give our great race a religion of its own that will unite, organize and propel it forward towards a Whiter and Brighter World.

12. Movement For The Restoration Of The Ten Commandments Of God

Founded in Uganda by Credonia Mwerinde, Joseph Kibweteere and Bee Tait, this religious organization was a breakaway sect of Roman Catholicism. This organization ceased to exist in 2000 after fires destroyed their compounds across Uganda and hundreds of bodies were found belonging to members of this doomsday cult.

Claiming visions of the Virgin Mary, Credonia Mwerinde and Joseph Kibweteere with three other men formed the Movement For The Restoration Of The Ten Commandments Of God. They declared that the apocalypse would occur in the year 2000, and preached of Virgin Mary’s salvation.

When the new year passed without fanfare, members of the Movement For The Restoration Of The Ten Commandments Of God began to openly ask questions of the organization, which the authorities believe led to the mass suicide — or murder, as the Ugandan government put it.

It is believed that Credonia Mwerinde and Joseph Kibweteere are still alive and on the run.

1. Uh…

Was talking to a girl on the phone who at the time was fucked up on painkillers and started relating to me a story about how when she was 7 she pushed a girl into a pool and watched her drown. Her grandma came home, found out about it, and told her to tell the police it was an accident.

That should have been a warning sign right there.

2. Er, thanks?

“I kept some of your hair.” At 20 year high school reunion.

ಠ_ಠ

3. Okay, what the fuck

Copied from an email I received from a stalker seven years ago: “When you and her have your baby, rest assured, I’ll be the one that raises it.”

4. #Jail

When I was about 17-years-old, I worked at a cafeteria and some girls (11 and 13) where chasing me for weeks. They even waited in front of my door when I had to go to work to chase me all the way up there.

One day I was working and the cafeteria was full with people when the 11-year-old girl asked, “When can I give you a blowjob?” Everyone instantly looked at me.

Uncomfortable isnt even the right word to describe my feelings at that moment.

5. I just remembered, I have to go to the store…

Making out with a girl I was seeing, lightly slide my hand up her chest, and as my hand is going to caress her cheek, she grabs it around her neck and forces me to choke her which is fine… she then proceeded to call out her brother’s name…

6. It might’ve been a dare

This happened to a friend of mine I was living with. I won’t go into it, but the situation we were in demanded we shared a bunk bed. We had a rule that we could bring girls home so long as we kept the noise down. One night, whilst sleeping, my friend brings this girl home with him. I woke up to them coming in as they went up to his bunk to start messing around

I hear the typical stuff at first. Lip smacks, heavy breathing, some moaning. Then it happened. I hear the girl whisper to my friend the words “are you down with the funk?”
In retrospect, my friend says he said yes because the chick was hot and he didn’t want to ruin the night. So he says “yeah baby, I’m down with the funk for sure.” Almost immediately the girl takes off her panties, stands up on the bunk, turns around, squats and shits.

Right on his chest.

Luckily for him it wasn’t the messy sort, but as you can imagine, the guy lost his shit(no pun intended). He tossed her off the bunk and started screaming for girl to get the fuck out of his house.

Meanwhile, I’m on the bottom bunk laughing my ass off. So, not really the creepiest thing a woman’s ever said, but now you know what the funk is.

7. Never stick it in crazy

“You don’t have to wear a condom, I’ll just miscarry.”

I wore a condom.

8. Possessive much?

“You have no right to your own life and if you try to leave me I’ll kill you so nobody else can have you.”

Good times.

9. Would block again 10/10

I remember one time this one girl who was oddly talkative in my Options and Fixed Income class kept talking and asking me about my personal life. Then when she added me as a facebook friend, there was a message with it that said “Found you =)” Pretty uncomfortable.

10. Not okay

I was over at her dorm room and, after we got done with our business, I spotted a bottle of my Cologne on her desk. I asked her about it, and she said she sprayed it around to make her room “smell like me.”

Ok.

Next week. She gets into my car. Makes a big SNNNNIIIIFFFFFF sound, and says, “Oh, mmm, smells like YOU in here.” She started masturbating. No shit. Enroute to Kroger.

Ok.

Few weeks later, at her dorm room, I decide to get a little nosy. I find the following: 1-Aforementioned bottle of cologne. 2-Two pairs of my dirty undies (not left by me.) 3-pair of my dirty socks (again, not left by me. And this freaked me out more than anything for some reason.) 4-Envelope with, what I can only assume to be (drumroll…..) my pubes in it.

Not ok.

I break up with her over ICQ (the good ol’ days!) She informs me that she left a bag at my apartment. It’s under my bed. In said bag is a bunch of completely random shit with K-mart tags still on it. It was obviously a plant, meant to force us to have an awkward post-breakup makeup reunion. Nay, says I.

Got my army buddy to drive me over to her dorm in his ford festiva. I saw her on the curb, waiting…crying. I launched that bag out the window and we took off as fast as that festiva would go. Never did see if the bag hit her but, given it’s trajectory, it’s highly likely.

For those who will want to know: The cologne I was wearing was Old Spice.

11. This is really funny

“I want your meat tampon.”

Had to explain to her how that was not a turn on.

12. Say what now?

Her: “Just so you know, I wrote your name on my leg with a boxcutter so I’ll always have you near me.”

Me: ಠ_ಠ

13. That BITCH

I was dating a girl called Alison. My Grandma is also called Alison. I had mentioned that I found it a little weird that they had the same name, so once as we were having sex she asked “Does this make you think of your Grandma?”

It didn’t. Until then.

14. Does DM;HS apply here?

“Put on a condom, you don’t know where I’ve been.”

15. We commit infanticide every day

Had a girl grab my face in the middle of sex tell me it was okay if I came in her, then grabbed my face and told me, “I know how to kill babies!”

16. Excuse me while I violently regurgitate what you made for dinner and shove your face in it

“Did you enjoy that dinner? I put my blood in it. Now part of me is inside of you.”

Yes this actually happened. I thought she meant she put a lot of work into it, like “blood, sweat, and tears” and asked her…and she showed me the cut she made to bleed herself into the dinner.

17. I really like your hair

I was on a study abroad trip to the middle of nowhere, Ireland, to study photography. Sitting down to lunch one day, a girl I was traveling with said, “I wish I could cut off all your hair and knit it into a sweater for me to wear. It would keep me warm.” She said it while smiling in a friendly way, but there was intensity in her eyes. It made me uncomfortable.

18. That phrase

A girl I hadn’t even dated CARVED MY INITIALS INTO HER ANKLE.

She received no penis.

19. Excuse me?

“I think about you when my dad fucks me.” – Actual quote. I really had no idea what to say or do about that.

20. Hot chocolate?

Had a girl request me to break into her apartment, make her hot chocolate in her kitchen, while she’s scared in her bedroom and then come in and have sex.

21. Did you scroll down???

I had a girl I once kissed at a party proceed to send me pictures of her crying, half naked and makeup smeared all over her face joker style.

She won’t stop calling me or sending random pictures of herself with distressed or angry face. This has been going on for three months now.

22. So that’s what you girls do in restrooms

“I masturbate in the women’s room with those thick highlighters.”

23. Wow, you’re friendly

“Your lips looked dry while you were sleeping, so I licked them for you.”

24. I think about you all the time

Wife and I were in town with our son visiting my parents when an old high school friend (she was only ever a friend) came by to meet my wife and 2-year-old son. After we all sat and talked for a few hours and after what felt like a pretty normal night of company, we all got up to say good night and the friend hugged my wife goodbye then turned to me, grasped me very firmly into a hug, kissed me on the lips then whispered into my ear “Your son should have been ours. I love you!” Then turned like it was totally normal and waved goodbye to us and left. My wife didn’t see or hear any of it and I never told her. She thinks the girl is a decent person and we’ll never see her again.

25. What, dad? Are you, what are you even, oh my GOD, dad, what the fuck

I went to a football game with this girl. Afterwards, I went to meet her dad, which was already kind of weird. He said to her, “Is this the boy you’ve been talking about for the past 3 months?”

I had known the girl for 4 days ಠ_ಠ

26. She did it just to fuck with you

So… A girl had a crush on me. One morning when I came home to my place there was a bag hanging on my front door. I bring it inside and see whats in it. I find a new set of pencils. There was also a spoon that you use to feed babies along with a bottle of baby food. A tiny pink hairclip I’d imagine a 9 year old girl might wear. A three page letter telling me the letter was written by a polish girl who just moved into town. She called herself Tatyana D. and she wanted to meet new people in town. So she asked if I wished to bake “Dopplercookies” with here down by an abandoned warehouse at the docks (Yes, that is what she wrote).

Then as the letter progressed the text looked more and more as if someone wrote it while driving a bike. At the end of the letter it was more like random words. Later that same week someone tried to open my door in the middle of the night.

Another week passed and I got a visit at five in the morning from some staff from a home nearby where she apparently lived. They told me they found her sleeping in my bushes and she had run away every night for the last two weeks and that she was very ill at the time. They gave me a number to call “in case of an emergency.” I did not sleep well that following month.

27. Not sure if this story is real

“Special Cambodian spice.” It didn’t sound creepy at the time. But… I’d asked my wife of 25 years what the unusual black ‘seasoning’ on the meal she’d just given me was. Turned out, it was a pharmaceutical in the class of Beta Blockers. By pure luck I ate only maybe one tenth of the amount present, rather than all of it. An hour later I nearly died – weak and intermittent heart beat. A few months before she’d got me to take out life insurance. Beta blockers in more than tiny amounts stop the heart; looks like a natural heart attack. She’s Cambodian.

28. Ewww

I found half a bag of toenail clippings in her closet and when I confronted her about it, she said “Yeah, I like to save them for later when I want a midnight snack.” I got the fuck out of there, needless to say.

Love isn’t easy. But it can be funny. Read more hilarious and unexpected true dating stories here.

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1. A sink works better

I knew a girl who would get glasses of water and whenever she couldn’t finish the whole thing, she would dump the rest on the carpet because “it just absorbs it”

2. Arrested Development?

I went to highschool with a girl whose family would dress up their house like a model home being sold or something. For example the dining room table was dressed with a plastic thanksgiving feast, with plastic food on nice plates and fake wine in fake glasses. When you walked into her bedroom the bed was made with top corner open as if she just got out of bed and there was a tray with a fake bowl of cereal and a fake glass of orange juice. On the floor were coloring books and crayons as if a child lived in the room… They kept the place spotless and every room had an odd theme of fake living. Her parent’s bedroom had quite a few large african animal statues and fake rose petals leading to the bed.

3. Oh, uh, you see…

I was friends with my little league baseball coach’s son. One day I was invited to their house for a “playdate,” as I walked through the door I saw a huge framed white cloth with some weird symbol; I didn’t think much about it because at the time I didn’t know wtf it was… My coach noticed me looking at it as I entered the house and said “My Granddad wore that, its been in the family for years…” Naturally I was like, “Oh ok whatever,” and thought nothing of it again…now that I am older…I realize what it was (KKK robe)… The worst part is that I am not white.

4. Remember this? Aw, here’s the first squirt of blood

When I moved cities in grade 2 or 3 I didn’t know anyone. I met someone the first day and he invited me to his house that weekend to stay over. Everything was great, we played GameCube and stayed up until 3am (the latest I had been awake up to that point). He said we had to sleep in the basement so that we don’t wake his parents when we went upstairs. We go downstairs with our sleeping bags and immediately I knew something was wrong. The worst smell I’ve ever experienced filled my nostrils the further we descended. In the corner of the room was a bed covered in what looked like crusty blood and some pus-coloured streaks. Turns out his mother had a home birth the week before and kept the sheets as a memento. I haven’t been back since.

5. Water costs money

When my brother and I were kids, we would often comment that our next door neighbor’s house smelled like pee.

One day my brother was playing video games with the kid from next door (at his house) and asked to use the restroom.

The kid said, “We just pee here,” and started peeing in the closet. My brother peed in there too.

When in Rome…

6. I’m so stoked for this 42″ TV that I’ll use next year

We were getting something out of his dad’s closet when I noticed there was a ton of expensive electrical equipment in the back of it, all still boxed up. I asked him about it. Apparently his dad keeps everything new he gets for a year before he unboxes it and actually uses it. He didn’t know why, and it still boggles my mind.

7. Why do people do this? Why?

Had a friend in high school. Went to his house for the first time and everything smelled like piss. Turns out he had a dog and his family never bothered to potty train or clean up after it. Everthing in the house was covered in old dried up urine and fresh puddles. While I was there the dog peed on my friend’s bed and he didn’t even care. He literally sleeps in his dog’s piss. Even I got pissed on.

Never went to his house again.

8. Was he a murderer or something?

My friends dad. When I was a kid I used to stay for dinner as kids do. But the dad would not eat with us. The mom would make a plate of food, take it down the hall and slide it halfway under the door to the basement. A few seconds later the plate would slowly slide under the door. Nobody at the house seemed to think this was odd but I thought it was weird as fuck.

The other odd thing this family did was every weeknight at 7:00 on the dot, the family would clear out of the living room so the dad could come and watch Star Trek. Once the show was over, he would go back into the basement and the family would move back into the living room. Fucking what?

The father was quiet, but seemed to be normal other than those odd habits. The family thought none of that was weird and my friend thought it was “funny” my dad ate with us at dinner.

9. It’s true though, the most important shit happens when you’re in the bathroom

Bathroom machete. Because, you know, “Just in case, man.”

It’s literally nothing more than a real machete that hangs in their bathroom, so if someone breaks in while you’re fighting dirt dragons, you aren’t at a total disadvantage. Everyone there was surprised when I said I’d never heard of it.

I now keep a bathroom hammer handy, because goddammit, it’s a great idea.

10. This is how people get diaper fetishes

A 5-year old in diapers.

I was an adult literacy volunteer and I went to this couple’s trailer. A kid walks in shirtless, wearing a diaper. At first, I thought it was a joke. Then I thought maybe developmental issues. Then the mother says “’bout time ta change ‘at diaper ain’t it?” And the boy said defiantly, “You ain’t gonna change my diaper.”

11. “Bro, I’d stare at the wallpaper and just go at it”

I will never forget as a child visiting my friends house and noticing the wallpaper they had in his hallways. The pattern was of naked women, throughout his apartment, just little naked women all over the wall. We were maybe 8 years old, and it was amazing.

12. Aliens

I dated a guy whose family was just…odd. They just did things so differently, sometimes I wondered if they might be aliens.

• No one the house knew how to use a stove. They used the microwave or ate out.
• Every cabinet and drawer in the house was always wide open. Like they had no idea you could close them.(the rest of the house was clean and organized, which made it all the stranger)
• His mother walked around naked pretty much constantly and took about ten baths a day
• His parents would go to McDonald’s to watch TV(despite having a very nice TV with satellite, tivo etc.)
• His family had a lot of grandiose tales. Things like they saved two men from a plane crash and how the mother outran a pack of wolves in suburban Arizona.

There is a lot more but these were what stuck out in my mind.

13. They’re worth quite a bit of money

I went to a friends house and they had their halls lined with grandfather clocks. This was a little weird but nothing major. The weird part came when his dad told me and my friend, “Don’t you kids go around telling anybody about my clocks.” Now I’ll never forget about his precious clocks.

14. One day, I’ll have yours

When I was dating my first girlfriend in high school, I was invited over to her house for dinner and meet the parents, etc. At one point I was talking with her father in his study and noticed lots of old-looking phallic objects on the shelves in the room. On closer inspection, they were mummified penises, dozens of them. Turns out he was a urologist and an amateur archaeologist.

15. Scarred for life (but maybe they were environmentalists)

I was about 12-13, visiting my best friend’s house for the first time. After lunch, I get the urge to take a dump, so I go to the restroom, do my thing, finish up, and flush.

Nothing. Nothing happens. I take a step back, flush again. Still nothing. So I start freaking the fuck out. I’m a kid, I just broke my friend’s toilet, I don’t have any money to pay to fix it or buy a new one. I’m standing there, sweating, trying to figure out a plan, and after 15 minutes I still got nothing.

I finally decide to fess up. I mean, I can’t stay in there all day, they’ll eventually figure out something is wrong, right? I step outside and sheepishly tell his mom that I broke the toilet. She starts laughing, goes into the bathroom and turns on the water flow to the toilet, waits a few minutes, then flushes, easy peasy. Everyone – the best friend, his mom, and his sister – then takes the opportunity to start laughing at me because I didn’t know it was “normal” to turn the water on/off whenever I needed to use the bathroom.

To this day if I’m unfamiliar with a restroom, I always do a precautionary flush just to make sure everything is working the way it should.

16. Hey, I gotta shit, be back in like 20 minutes – do you have an extra towel I can use?

I knew a guy one time who would get completely undressed every time he took a shit, then take a shower afterwards to really clean up. He’d even do this at other people’s houses.

17. I don’t – I can’t – I – what?

A cow tongue in place of a birthday cake. It wasn’t like they couldn’t afford a birthday cake either. They just had a cow tongue with a single candle in it.

18. You’re the next best thing to daddy

Spent the night at a friend’s house in 6th grade. He lived with just his mom, dad wasn’t in the picture and he was an only child, so they had a close relationship. We were having a great time, until his mom called him for bath time. With her. Like, together. They even left the door open like it was nothing.

19. He had issues

Paramedic here!

100 two liter soda bottles filled with urine “because the toilet is broken”. But where was he pooping? Where was he pooping?

Also, thought it was obvious but apparently not, this was in the course of my job duties hence mentioning I’m a paramedic… context. No yard, 3 story walk-up apartment / flophouse. No work, the guy was very much unemployed and it took a police committal to get him to leave his apartment which was immediately condemned. There was also sadly a cat and animal control involved. Also bed bugs but those are a given. Sadly mental health issues can make the weirdest behavior seem normal.

20. Out of sight, out of mind

Whole items of food left for days on the floor. Toddler not interested in that apple? That’s fine, just leave it there on the floor where he threw it. It will work its way under a piece of furniture and out of sight if we give it some time. Once I went to these people’s house and there was an entire sandwich sitting in the corner of the living room floor. I was so distracted by it I didn’t really hear much of what was said during that visit. I just sat and stared at the floorwich.

21. This is pretty ridiculously cool

I had a friend in high school whose family used a GI Joe aircraft carrier as a coffee table.

22. But what if you fall in, what then

Girl from my previous work invited some of us over for dinner. As it turns out, she had removed the toilet seating from her toilet, “because it doesn’t look good enough with it on”. You actually had to sit on the thin ceramic rim.

23. “Constant jerking off” NBD

When I was eight, my friend told me she had Super Mario so of course we went to her house. Her parents thought it was okay to let her mentally handicapped older brother (probably around 15) wander around the house naked with a gigantic erection casually masturbating from room to room.

The room with the Nintendo was just a mattress (no sheets) and the TV. So at one point, he went into the other room and grabbed a chair, set it right down next to the TV facing us and went to town. Her mother walked into the room and let us know it was time for dinner, food stamp breakfast cereal, and the kid barely touched his food, just constant jerking off while they all ignored it like it was no big deal.

24. Just like Star Wars

I had a friend named David and he invited me to his house once. Little did I know that his family were horrific hoarders. You couldn’t see the floor of his house, and I was literally stepping in bowls filled with cereal.

At one point, I saw a snake just slither through the refuse and immediately made up an excuse that I was sick so I could go home. What a nightmare.

25. Uh, is this legal?

One summer when I was about 13 a friend of mine had a friend from her school that invited us over to go swimming in her pool. We go to her place and are shown to her room to change. As I’m changing my friend suddenly whispers “what the fuck?”. I turn around and see a bunch of used sanitary pads lined up on this girls desk. She comes to join us in her room and my friend flat out asks her what the pads are all about. She says very plainly “they’re for my dad so he can check that I’m not pregnant”.

26. Basically a rimjob

Growing up, my one friend’s family used boxed tissues for everything…dinner napkins, paper towels, toilet paper, dish drying….everything, and they really weren’t all that stressed on throwing them out right away. Everywhere you’d look there were these little piles of used tissues. I remember asking my friend about it…He told me that they left them lying around to dry out in case they needed to use them again, and also because the cats liked to play with them. Another family I knew licked the tops of all their condiments in order to keep them clean. I’de be over for dinner or something and the mom would squirt some mustard, lick the top clean & pass it to her son. One time I was over while they were having steak. The dad practically gave that A1 bottle a rim job before passing it to me…i passed.

27. He was…quite in love with himself

One of my wife’s co-workers invited us to a dinner party. He’s a very accomplished doctor who is, supposedly, considered the foremost authority in his specialty. I knew the man had a huge ego but nothing prepared me for what I saw when we went to his home.

As soon as we walked in the door there was a life size painting of himself that one of his patients had given him as a gift. Nothing strange about that, he saved a patients life and they were very grateful so they gave him a painting. His wife takes our jackets, hangs them up then walks us to his massive living room where the rest of the guests are mingling. As I looked around the room to take in what a magnificent home this man has I noticed that there are hundreds of pictures lining his shelves and walls. Every, single one of those pictures was of him. Not of his wife, not of his four children, not of his siblings, parents, or someone he admires. Even the pictures that looked like they may have been group photos were cropped so that only he could be seen.

I’m terrible at hiding my true feelings, my face usually gives me away every time but I spent the next hour desperately trying to pretend like this wasn’t remotely strange. After a few drinks I decided to head to the bathroom, I had to take a dump and I’m not shy about doing so at another person’s home. I walked into their guest bathroom, closed the door, lifted up the lid, sat down and grabbed one of a dozen books that were sitting next to the toilet. The first book I picked up is written by our host, so I picked up another book and it is also written by our host. I looked at the book ends and ALL of them are written by our host. Part amused and part disgusted I looked up and noticed there is a picture on a small table across from the toilet. It’s our host again, staring at me in the picture while I’m taking a dump…..

28. I would not be friends with this person

My friend refuses to vacuum and her carpet is covered in a layer of loose hair.

29. When the house catches fire, I’d take the money drawer

I was visiting a friend one time and we were about to go buy a 30-rack at the nearby liquor store. I tell him we need to stop by an ATM so I can pick up some cash to pay. He just turns and looks at me and goes, “Don’t worry about it, we can just go to the money drawer”. This kid’s family literally kept a drawer full of $20 bills in the kitchen that you could just walk up to and grab whenever you needed something. It was pretty surreal.

30. That’s really ballsy

A white carpeted kitchen…

31. Please get yourself checked

They keep a sewing needle/pin stuck into their hand towel. I found it by reaching to use the hand towel to dry my hands and putting the pin through my finger. I was like wtf guys and they just shrugged as in ,’you don’t have sharp objects hiding in towels?’ They then went on to explain that it was used for draining pimples.

32. I’m glad it’s his ex-friend

My ex friend:

• His dog peed in the house so much parts of the floor was warped.
• He would stand on the first floor and pee down the basement stairs because going upstairs took too long.
• He didn’t want to grab a garbage can so he grabbed a hammer and knocked a hole in the wall. Proceeded to stuff chicken bones inside of it.
• He lived with his dad. They have a giant painting of a spider on the wall. Creepy as hell.
• All of the bush trimming in their yard was done with katanas. They rarely mowed out of fear of hitting a kunai or piece of broken blade.
• They had three neighbors next door to them in four years. I blame that when a machine stopped working they took it in the backyard and beat on it with sledgehammers and pipes. Three AM their microwave broke once and the cops were called after they beat it for an hour.
• They had an area rug in the middle of the living room. If there was flat pop in a can they poured it on the carpet and tossed the can in a bin for recycling. They didn’t want to get the bin full of stale pop…
• All of the furniture was from street corners just because. He drug a futon home three miles to put in his room. Nothing wrong with reusing things but this futon was barely functional and covered in garbage.
• The son showered once a every two weeks. He somehow had girlfriends (attractive and smart) all the time in high school and got laid daily. None of us could understand it since they too would go back to his place.
• He tossed sandwich parts he didn’t want (tomatoes, onions, certain meats) behind his TV dresser. He would leave the window open and told me it was so animals could get the food. Thought he was joking till I saw a squirrel running out with some bread he tore off.

33. At least he was honest about it

First time I went over to a friend house. I was walking in to his room and he says, “Don’t stand here, the carpet’s crusty.” For 8 years he’s been jacking it in the same spot, never washing it.

34. I have a friend who does this on the reg – and doesn’t wash his hands after he poops. He’s a nurse

Shitting with their bathroom door completely open.

That’s how my SOs parents do it. They leave the door wide open and you can see, hear and smell them take a shit from the living room.

It was completely weird the first time I slept there with my SO and then I was going out of the room and see her father sitting on the toilet reading a magazine. I completely froze and just stared at him.

He farted, looked at me with a poker face and waved. I ran downstairs.

35. That…that’s really disgusting

When I was little I used to sleep over at my dads house. He rented a room inside of a house owned by other people with only one bathroom for the family that owned the house and my dad. So instead of walking out to the bathroom he would piss inside of soda cans that he had finished earlier. I was not aware of this, so one night I was really thirsty in this dark room with everyone sleeping. I found a soda can that felt half full and just took a gulp out of it. It was cold from sitting around for a while but tasted really sour and just god-awful. I had no choice but to swallow this huge mouthful of piss because I couldn’t just spit it onto the bed. I still wasn’t 100% sure what had happened until the next day I asked my dad “Did you take a piss in a soda can last night?” and he said while laughing “Yeah….why? Did you drink it?” well I was too embarrassed to tell him so I said “No, I just smelt it and it smelt like piss” and just went about my day.

36. There’s a difference between being thrifty, and being really goddamn thrifty

This was when I was a kid, I was at my friends house, and her mom got us some orange juice with our lunch. When we finished eating she took the remaining juice from the cups and poured it back into the container. Even as a kid I thought it was disgusting.

37. Don’t come back now, y’hear?

Once when I was a kid I was invited to stay over for dinner at a friend’s house. My friend’s mother poured a large quantity of ketchup into a cereal bowl, which the entire family all casually dipped their fingers into and licked throughout the meal.

Click here to read more entertaining tales of the hilarious and cringe-worthy.

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1. Well, did it taste like chocolate?

It was the first year in college and I joined this club called the chocolate club and I had no idea what it was.

The first session, there were like eight people plus the leader, and the leader led us to a graveyard and told us to stand in a circle facing inwards. He then proceeded to hand us each a chocolate ball and told us that we had to hold it in a specific way with only our middle finger and a our thumb. He then mumbled some random words and then signaled us to eat it and so we did.

Never went back again.

2. You gotta be just like me

I was in a Subway and this tall, lanky black man who was obviously on drugs dances through the doors yelling I’m the Cookie Monster repeatedly until the people behind the counter gave him a cookie. As he was walking out he throws his cookie at my head and gets about 2 feet away from my face and says “You gotta have a daily dose of cookies to be a Cookie Monster like me” and then danced out of the door.

3. Worth all the trouble

I was paying off a bushel of parking tickets when I was approached by a man dressed in a 3 piece suit. He asked offered me $100 to be a witness for his wedding being that his best man wasn’t going to be able to make it. I said fuck yeah. Walk into the room and it was myself, a judge and 2 dudes. Was I surprised? Yes. I thought the best man was running late. Again, wrong. Watched 2 dudes get married. Didn’t bother me. Even Made money. Went to bar afterwards to celebrate with them. Coolest dudes I have ever met. Got another parking ticket. Still friends today.

4. A little sketchy

I was in Rome walking down one of the main tourist streets – lots of high end fashion stores, mid July, lots of people and right in the middle of this street there’s a big scaffolding erected against the side of one of the stores.

As me and my family walk under the scaffold there’s a big crowd of people ahead of us so the pace is pretty slow.

Out of nothing the people ahead of us start coughing, nothing noticeable at first but then it’s louder and it’s spreading further back. My brother is a little bit ahead of me and he’s coughing too. I can suddenly feel dust or smoke or something obstructing my airway and I can barely breathe. The street looks fine, no building dust or smog or car exhausts but around 30 people are coughing like we’re in a burning building and pushing each other to get out onto the street.

The panic was huge, I couldn’t stop coughing and all I can think of is getting me and my family the hell out of there. People are shoving and shouting and I can feel the crowd swelling against my back.

And then we make it onto the street and it stops. All 30 or so of us just stood on the street coughing and spluttering and trying to catch our breath in the midday sun.

And that was it. After about a minute we all felt fine and everybody walked away in different directions. No lasting effects, nothing. There was probably a really simple explanation but it was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve had.

5. Gave me the shits

I was at a Mexican restaurant, and the table next to us order fajitas. When they brought the fajitas out, the entire table started coughing. A few seconds later I started coughing, and my wife thought I was making fun of the table next to us. Then she and the rest of our table proceeded to start coughing as well. Apparently there was something in the sizzling fajitas that made everyone cough uncontrollably. All survived and had a good laugh.

6. Into the fire we go

Didn’t happen to me but my girlfriend’s neighbor’s house went up in flames, but when the firetruck came, it never stopped. It drove straight through the house and completely destroyed everything. Brakes just didn’t work at the wrong time.

7. Santas. Posing.

December 24th 2012 – Woke up at 3:30am and travelled 150 miles, met with 50+ strangers all dressed as Santa Claus and snuck past a live security team whilst entering the abandoned National Gas Turbine Establishment. Pyestock, UK. Took this group photo whilst stood on top of the test chamber for Rolls Royce Concorde Engines.

All in all, the strangest day of my life.

8. Was it a dare?

Car slams on its brakes on a busy 4 lane road. A woman jumps out and reaches into her back seat. Grabs what looks like a giant fake sunflower plant and swings it around her head. It seems like for a minute but perhaps it was only 30 seconds. She throws the sunflower back in and jumps back in the car and speeds off.

Me and four other people just stood there in disbelief at the entire sight. Just wtf.

9. Voyeur

While smoking on the balcony of my apartment, I was watching a cat staring into the night sky while sitting on a brick fence for a good 10 minutes. Then I watch as another cat appears out of nowhere walking towards the first cat and they proceed to have cat sex. It was really weird, as if they had planned to meet there or something. This literally happened 5 minutes ago.

10. Got a free sub out of it

I was at subway in Vancouver and I was enjoying my Cold Cut 6 inch sub when a homeless person came into the subway and decided that he wanted to jump on a table. He hopped onto one of the tables and started running and jumping from table to table while yelling about how the ground was lava. He was coming directly towards me at great speed. In a panic I got up and he stepped right on my 6 inch sub, slipped and fell onto the floor. He immediately sprung back up and started yelling “I’m on fire, help I’m on fire” while running in circles. The employee’s called the cops and he was arrested. On the positive side I had gotten through half my sub and they made me another one for free so I got to eat 1.5 6 inch subs for the price of one!

11. Damn youths

5th grade. I forgot the details because it was long ago and it was stupid kid drama, but basically my entire gym class hated my gym teachers. One day, some kid confronts one of the teachers, and actual fight breaks out between the two of them. The rest of the class just goes apeshit. Some join in on the fighting, so in the matter of seconds its a bunch of ~10-11 year olds fighting two screaming adult females, and the rest of class takes it outside to the playground.

Once outside, another group of students try to break some of the playing equipment, but everybody else for some unknown reason decided that marching around the perimeter of the playground while chanting was the best course of action.

I just chilled out on top of the jungle gym outside while this was happening since I didn’t want to get in trouble. So basically, inside the gym you have a group of students wailing on two teachers for some period of time, and outside a bunch of kids are marching in circles acting like they are doing some kind of freedom march.

Once the dust settled, every student was required to go to a counseling session….and that was the end of that. I don’t remember what happened to the teachers or the actual class after that.

This happened back in the 1999-2000 school year at Meadowcreek Elementary in GA if, by some giant coincidence, anybody who went there and sees this post can confirm.

12. A mysterious dance hall

I was on my way home from a night out in Barcelona and it was still regularly early for Barcelona standards, around 11pm. I was on the metro on the way back to my apartment and this group of really attractive Brazilian people wearing all white gets on. They’re in all types of outfits, pants and tank tops, sundresses with sandals, loose pants and tanks, etc. They all look amazing – really trendy in an effortless way. They were all taking pictures of each other.

Well, I was pretty tipsy, so I decided to photobomb them. I was like 10 feet back and doing jazz hands and making dumb faces. They noticed and warmly welcomed me into their pictures, putting their arms around me and introducing themselves to me. I posed with them on the metro, but I figured they were going to get off at a different stop than me. They ended up getting off at my stop, and so when I got up, we took even more group pictures and they put me at the center. Keep in mind, they were speaking Portuguese and I only knew Spanish and English, but they were so warm and welcoming of this slightly drunk stranger.

I was ready to say goodnight to them, figuring they had plans and I wouldn’t come along. But no… I was invited to wherever they were headed. I figured “yolo” and went along. They were headed to this AMAZING salsa club in this totally quiet residential neighborhood. You would’ve never known there was this club inside with live music and hordes of beautiful people dancing on the inside. No long lines, no booming music outside. I went in with them and they all paired off to dance… Not like grinding provocatively, but actually salsa dancing, sure their hands were on each others’ hips and there was some closeness, but it was because of the passion between the two people dancing, not because they were gettin’ freaky.

I was paired off with this beautiful man named Jofre. He taught me white girl self how to dance, and led me through the steps while holding me in a traditional way, but I didn’t feel like he was trying to cop a feel – he was genuinely teaching me how to dance as was traditional and as he knew. It was sensual without being gross. He bought me mojitos and we didn’t really talk, just danced. He led, I followed.

Anyone else would’ve looked like a douche in the outfit he was wearing, but he was just so suave; a loose white short sleeve cotton button down, a white newsboy hat, well-cut white pants with strings for adjusting their tightness. He was so passionate and we were surrounded by all his passionate all-white friends, dancing to this amazing live salsa music. I said goodbye to him about 2 hours in and he gave me his number so we could do it again.

We never did meet up again, which bummed me out real hard. The phone I gave him the number to got stolen briefly after so I couldn’t communicate with him. I tried to talk my friends into going to the club with me, in hopes we might meet up with my Brazilian friends. Alas, that never happened. So I hold the memory of that night dear, surrounded by my all-white clad Brazilian dance troupe at that mysterious salsa club in Barcelona. I hope they look at those pictures of them with that white girl they met on the metro and smile.

13. A complete mistake

I was hanging outside of my apartment with my buddy while he was smoking and my neighbor comes out eating a peach. He was looking over his garden and complaining about the squirrels eating his tomatoes, when he spots a furry devil sitting on a fence about 15 yards away. As he finishes his peach he chucks the pit at the squirrel and freakin nails the sucker right on the noggin. The squirrel has a sort of seizure or stroke and falls off the fence and dies instantly. The best part is my neighbor’s girlfriend was watching from inside and as soon as the squirrel hits the ground she comes flying out of the apartment screaming, yelling, and smacking him for “murdering the poor thing”. You can tell he was visibly shaken and in shock that he hit the squirrel let alone killed it. I have never laughed that hard in my life.

14. Cafeteria slow clap

Sitting in a school cafeteria during lunch, one of the seniors starts clapping for his friend, their table joins, so does the next table. In ten seconds, the entire lunch room of about three hundred people is clapping and cheering in a huge roar for a reason nobody can explain. Then in unison, the entire room just stopped, there was a moment of silence, then everybody burst into laughter. The principal, who was having a conversation during the clapping, looked up in utter confusion when the entire lunchroom laughed at once.

15. Best party ever

My friend invited me to a party once. It was a party being held by some social network site (can’t remember the name of it) only certain members got invited, mainly people who had help contribute to the site and a big part of the community. They each received odd packages filled with items such as marshmallows and other things, and a personalised invitation. Also, each member could bring one guest. I was a guest.

Wetl travelled down to some warehouse in the middle of London and there is a massive queue, and being handed drinks by people who seemed to “work” there.

Anyway, once I get inside I can only describe this as the strangest, most absurd party I have ever been to. And it was awesome.

At the entrance a dwarf leads you through a large *wardrobe of coats” (so you can’t see shit) and you eventually enter a jungle with a massive tree with a treehouse in the middle. Several free bars, you just had to jump on for a bit and help serve people. A hot tub, and random caravans. Walk through and we found several different rooms, such as a cinema, slaughter house, granny flat, the “white room” ( a room fully padded out and filled with huge white cushions) and loads more I can’t remember.

I met some interesting people, got drunk, had a nap in treehouse and woke up with another guy I had met early curled up next to me, and the rest of the room chatting while 2 girls get it on in the middle.

We left at about 11 in the morning, as did many others about that time, but apparently the party went on for another couple days.

It was surreal, but incredible at the same time.

16. An exorcism?

Well my friends are religious and really into a lot of the Pentecostal groups. So there was one girl who was feeling ill. Not sick but like she was off-balanced. We figured it was because of the crowds making her overwhelmed, so a couple people helped her upstairs and got her some water.

Well she was still feeling weird so some of the people asked if they could pray for her. She said yes, but when they started, she started freaking out. Yelling things about saying she was worthless and going into third person. The best way to put it would be like someone having a psychotic break but not sustained, more like she would start talking about how worthless she was, we would deny that and keep praying and it would escalate.

Eventually, she started to thrash, so for her safety and ours, we had two big guys hold her down which was crazy because she was a small girl and two wrestlers were having trouble holding her down.

Finally, we were able to talk to her and somehow get her to the point where she stopped going on about how worthless she was and she calmed down. Afterwards, we made sure she was hydrated cause this took like 2 hours. Then we sang some songs and prayed together. Strangely to my knowledge, this was the only situation that occurred for her.

17. A flying machine

I was a junior in high school. I was walking with a friend to our fourth period class, when we noticed that the campus was littered with flyers. Which is slightly unusual, sure, but nothing too weird, right? It wasn’t until a flyer smacked me in the face that we realized that they were falling from the sky. We looked up and, lo and behold, there’s a… flying… contraption… thing. Like a lawn chair strapped to a fan with a paragliding sail.

And astride it, circling above our campus, was a man, screaming about the apocalypse and the Matrix and abortion. Every few seconds he could reach into his backpack, grab a handful of flyers, and toss them down at the students now congregating in confusion. But the fourth or fifth time we watched him reach for his flyers, his hand went a little too far and caught on the large fan that was attached to the back of his DIY flying machine. Instantly we see a burst of red as his fingers are sliced off by the blades. He starts screaming and loses control of the machine, violently jerking back and forth until he flies directly into the chain link fence of the football field. Teachers began to usher students into class under threat of expulsion, and police showed up a few minutes later. The football team had to fan out shoulder-to-shoulder later that day to try to find the dude’s severed fingers.

Turns out crazy guy was a student’s father. She never talked about it, and I haven’t seen her since I graduated almost a decade ago. Still feel bad for her.

18. Jesus

I go to anime conventions, but since there aren’t many long haired, bearded anime characters, I cosplay as Jesus. Someone who’s never been to a con might be kind of surprised at how many black people go too. Maybe I was just prejudiced, but I was expecting all white people. Anyway, one time a whole huge family of black people (ten to fifteen people) ran up and crowded around me and all started singing church songs while clapping, dancing, stomping, shouting amen, and generally acting like they were feeling the holy spirit inside them. I’ve never been so confused about how to react in my life, eventually I just collapsed laughing.

19. What did I just read

I was riding the DART (Dallas public transportation) train back home from work when I was 17; my first job, working at a Boston Market my third-uncle managed.

Anyway, it’s about 10:30 at night and in my car, there are some odd characters: business guy, with a coat folded over his briefcase in his lap; obvious gangbanger guy, tattoos, big hoodie, slouched in corner; moderately hygienic homeless guy, two jackets, really messed up shoes, crazy hair, but perfect white teeth, can’t stop laughing to himself every few minutes; and white skater kids, some with boards, others with roller blades, one with BMX bike. I sat near the white kids.

Suddenly, there’s commotion at the front of the train (we’re in the far back); everyone peers down the aisle to see what’s going on: some tall, gangly black guy is running down the aisle, throwing haymakers seemingly at random every few seats. He’s rapidly approaching our section. Now that’s weird, but what happens next is the icing on this crazy-cake.

Moderately hygienic homeless guy fumbles around his jackets and retrieves not one, but two switchblades, snikts those fuckers out like Wolverine.

Obvious gangbanger guy rears up to his full height, unfolding to something like 6’6″, reaches into the front pocket of his hoodie, and suddenly the outline of a gun is clearly pressing.

Me and the white kids, we just turtle up in the corner, barricaded behind a phalanx of boards.

But business guy…he just gives a tired sigh, moves his coat to the seat next to him–this dude’s briefcase is handcuffed to his wrist. He unlocks it, opens it, reaches in and just rests his free hand inside.

Psycho haymaker guy makes it to our section, stands bewildered for about 3 seconds, frantically taking in this situation, then turns around and runs right back where he came from, punches another couple of people, then gets off the train.

I started carrying a knife after that.

20. It was an emergency

I was driving down the highway, just minding my own business. All of the sudden I see a car standing on the emergency lane.

The driver, a woman in her 40s or 50s, is standing behind the barrier, passionately playing an accordion and singing.

There was no traffic jam or anything, guess she just suddenly felt like she wanted to make some music. On the highway. Alone.

21. Party like it’s 1999

I was in South Africa and planned to go out with a bunch of friends for someone’s birthday. When we got to the restaurant, they told us there was a wait of like 20 minutes, but since the place was really small and we were a large group they told us to go wait in the bar next door. Sure, no problem, we’ll grab a drink and then head over.

So we go to the next door over and immediately think there must have been a mistake. The door seems to lead to nothing but a long, dark, narrow alley with a massive set of stairs at the end. No way the bar’s up there. We go back and double-check, but the hostess insists, yep, the bar’s up those stairs.

So we head over and start climbing. The stairs are extremely steep and very narrow, and there’s mysterious water dripping down the sides of the alley. We’re all getting a pretty weird vibe, but we continue on anyways. Eventually the stairs come up to a short hallway, and at the end of it is a door which looks like it leads to someone’s house. It’s the only way out of the hallway, though, so we open it and walk in.

It was the most surreal experience of my life. It was like walking into a ritual worship of Britney Spears. There was a DJ at the front projecting the music video to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” onto the wall for a crowd of people all dancing along like it was 1999. The room was probably 85% male and many of them had Britney Spears MASKS on their faces so we didn’t even know what people really looked like. After a few solid minutes of gaping in shock, my friends and I turned and hightailed it out of there.

The weird thing was a few people arrived late to the restaurant, so obviously we shared the story and promised we’d take them up afterwards. So when the meal ended we climbed the long, narrow stairs again, and walked into–nothing. It was a completely regular bar. No traces of Britney anywhere.

22. Pirates

Probably not the strangest thing I ever did, but years ago I was part of the Bainbridge Island Pirate Attack. Local singer Jason Webley asked his fans to all dress like pirates and board a specific ferry boat to Bainbridge Island. Turnout was a bit bigger than expected, with a few hundred participants on the boat. We sang sea shanties, screamed obscenities at passing boats, and marched to a public park once we got to the island. This was back in 2002 or so, before flash mobs and pirates were cliche.

23. This one takes the cake

About twelve years ago, I was friends with a girl who worked in a professional dungeon, (like a brothel, but for bdsm instead of sex.)

I was visiting her one day between sessions, and she got called to work early. I stuck around in the break room, and after about 20 minutes, the owner walked in and asked if I could help them out. Seems my friend’s client wanted an audience.

I’m a pretty big kinkster myself, so I said sure. Walked in to one if the lounge areas with said owner, and plonked down in a chair.

Down the stairs comes my friend, who’s grinning ear to ear, followed by her client. He was about 40, short, dressed in a blue satin dress with white lace and massive petticoats, with a crinkly nappy on underneath, and was wearing a curly haired wig with a large bow.. At my friend’s urging, he proceeded to do a little dance routine while singing “The Good Ship Lollipop.”

Afterwards we applauded and congratulated him on a wonderful show.

I can never hear that song now without remembering that day.

24. Badass auntie

Not me, but my great aunt who is Basque. During the 60s, she was a flight attendant and didn’t put up with anyone’s crap. One day, they were flying from Australia to some other country that she couldn’t remember, when two guys go into the cockpit and attempt to apprehend the plane. They say over the loudspeaker that their course will change to another such and such country. My aunt, being the woman in her ’40′s slightly menopausal, will have none of that. She went into the cockpit, hit both of them with a fire extinguisher and untied the pilot and co-pilot. All because she didn’t want to go to that part of the world.

25. Her eyes were locked on to mine

While walking my dog through a school on a weekend, I looked up to see a woman riding a guy, full on pussy out, dick sliding in an out. It was such an ugly dick, short and started out thick but taper off towards the end… I was 15, freaked out a bit but watched them while I walked past them. At first the guy stopped moving and went to dismount the lady, but she made this bucking motion as if to say, ‘keep going, pound my pussy with the large, wing-like lips with your strange gnomish dick’, so he kept going. The woman, who looked like a junkie, watched me the entire time, eyes looking into my eyes.

26. Achieved self-awareness

Last year I went to the music festival “TomorrowWorld” down in Atlanta. I remember very clearly at one point while I was packed in a crowd of 30,000+ people high as a kite on some amazing drugs with a group of Mexicans to my left and a group of Swedes to my right while I aggressively smashed my frontside on some girls backside that I had just met and we were all screaming and dancing to music so loud my ears are still ringing, bass punching us in the teeth, smiling and jumping up and down and sweating and at that point I took a step back and realized how fucking weird the human race is.

Read more of the hilarious and the strange here.

Why? Because he killed his wife, that’s why. He swung his axe around and killed her. He spent six years in prison, but he says he still wants to get married. Would you marry someone like this? And can anyone translate this from Turkish?

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Two squirrels skip together between the bushes, Squirrel B is following behind Squirrel A’s ass. Every once in a while they will hop on each other.

(I’m not sure if they are two males competing for a hidden female, participating in homosexual ritual, or perhaps even something more complex.)

Squirrel A just jumped vertical and then Squirrel B jumped vertical. My first interpretation was “playful mimicry.”

Now they are camboodling, groping everywhere, 60 milliseconds.
One of the squirrels has yelped.

I assumed, at first, Squirrel B would be the yelping one because I interpreted the mimicry as “submissive,” but it could easily be Squirrel A that has yelped. In pain, ecstasy or both?

I feel like they are going to fuck in about one hour.
Squirrel B has mounted Squirrel A.
Squirrel A got away, running down the fence, wagging a thick, wide tail.
Are they both males? Sometimes my male cats fuck each other?

More “camoodling.”
Another yelp.

They’re on a lower branch and now they’re on the ground again. Obstructed by a lovely ROSE BUSH!

Sounds like slow, sensual groaning going on, not necessarily yelping…
Now they are just playing on the branches, like children on a playground, it seems.

I can see them humping. Maximum two seconds.
The squirrel, which I’m guessing is Squirrel A, yelps and then races upward onto a branch.

Now here comes a new squirrel on stage right. Squirrel C seems to be watching them from above, and he is wagging a thick tale.

Squirrel (A) can still be heard yelping.

Silence now. I feel like the couple has sensed the presence of Squirrel C. What potential is there for disruption?

Are they considering a three-way?
Is the Squirrel C considering stealth and rape?
Will there be a battle?

Maybe they finally notice me, the human, eyeing them so hard?

There is some human life sandwiching them from the other side too now. A woman opened a door.
Humans. So parasitic.
Jets flying above. Highways can be heard. Construction beeps.

I see a black cat. It is looking at me from behind the bushes, and this distance and sustained eye contact is entertainingly strange.

Squirrel C is running and stops under the deck beneath me.

The squirrel lovers are vibrating and flapping their thin tales in unison, directed at the cat. They are making staccato groan/growls in synch, and the cat…

The cat tiredly saunters away, I imagine, as if “sad” to be domesticized with its freakish bell and collar.

I need to get off of the computer now.

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1. He’s got some baggage

Recently started talking to a new guy, I sent him a text saying I was going to go home and change and get my car and I would be over. And he flipped out saying “omg if it’s such a chore then don’t come out” followed by “you’re probably stalling to fuck your ex” and then some other statements. Side note, we have been talking a week and never once have any of these problems arisen. So, yeah, red flag that he is probably crazy.

2. Right, they’re all crazy

When he refers to all his past girlfriends as being crazy.

3. But we hardly know each other

When guys talk about a future with me on first or second dates. It’s happened several times now. I’ll casually mention I want to move to NYC one day and they’ll make a frown and say, “Aww, but I don’t want to. Can’t we move to X instead?” or talk about how cute our babies would be.

4. What a shithead

He asked me to make a minimum payment on his credit card statement.. Finances had been rough that month. We had went on about three dates. I was 20. He was 30. Wtf. Nope.

5. What a weirdo

When he shows up at your job unannounced and you barely know him.

6. If she’s going to cheat, she won’t say who she’s with

If he’s super uncomfortable with me having male friends.

I had an ex break up with me because I gave a male friend a SIDE HUG. He begged for me back the next day but I ran like the wind.

7. This goes for anyone, though

Guys who want to have sex without a condom. “I’ll pull out.” or “I don’t have diseases, I swear.” are NOT convincing. I’m sorry, but you do realize that’s how people get pregnant and STDs, right? Guys who want to have sex without a condom make me instantly NOPE the fuck out of there.

8. Men can be obsessive

I knew this guy, we’ll call him Adam, in middle school, but became friends around our freshman year. We had a few classes together and would hang out after school in groups with other mutual friends, including my boyfriend at the time. One day, out of the blue, I get a text from Adam.

In this text, Adam confesses his love for me. We weren’t that close as friends, never hung out alone. I don’t believe I ever gave him a reason to think that I had those kinds of feelings for him. I tell him that while I am flattered, i don’t have the same feelings. I try to let him down easy. Adam takes it hard, he avoided me in class and stopped hanging out with our friends. after a month or so, things go back to normal.

This is where the red flags come up. I start getting flowers delivered to my house. They’re from Adam. after the 4th delivery, I call the florist and ask to stop having flowers sent to me. Then I get envelopes full of torn petals. One day, I come home and there is a box of roses on my bed. When i asked my dad if he brought them in my room for me, my dad tells me he didn’t. We check all the doors and windows, and the latch on my window is broken. Adam broke into my house. We called the cops, but with no proof of it really being Adam, nothing was really done. My older brother takes it into his own hands and threatens Adam, and things cool down for a while.

Now 7 years and a restraining order later, I still get flowers and letters sent to my parents house occasionally. All sent anonymously, but we all know its Adam.

9. This sounds like emotional abuse

I didn’t see the red flags. I see them in hindsight but didn’t realize then because I was so thrilled to finally have a boy notice little ole me. I was a painfully shy and a teensy bit awkward 17 year old girl and a 23 year old guy noticed me and liked me! Wow! I fell in love fast and I fell in love hard, I’m 22 now and the relationship is finally over for good after years of being together, then being an on-again-off-again couple and all the while him being extremely manipulative and abusive. It wasn’t until it finally ended that I realized all the red flags I should have seen. I should have gotten out of it earlier. But I was young and naive and insecure and in love…and did I mention terribly, terribly insecure.

1. The age thing. 17 and 23? I’m not saying it can’t work and be healthy but this dude was thrilled to have a little 17-year-old. Mind you, I look about 15 now, so at 17 I looked like a damn child. He loved it. Sure some guys are into the petite young looking thing but he was just obsessed with the idea of me being so young. When we had sex, he’d always ask me my age and get off at me being so young. Creepy.
2. Obsessed with sex from the get-go. Again, can be completely normal. If that’s what both people want. But we’d met online and I recall specifically saying that I was interested in a more serious type relationship, no hook ups, one night stands, or FWB. I was a virgin as well and told him I wanted to take things slowly. We’d been talking for a couple weeks but I slept with him the first time we actually met…about 2 hours after meeting him. I’m not putting all the blame on him by any means. He didn’t hold me down and force me. But I remember feeling so dirty and awful about it afterwards. In fact, I think it could kind of be considered date-rape. I don’t know. I said no multiple times but he kept persisting and eventually, we were having sex. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a high sex drive or with sleeping with someone shortly after meeting them. That’s cool. But this guy was so pushy about it. It was the absolute only thing on his mind, despite me saying I was interested in a relationship like that. It became a problem later on. I was required to have sex with him EVERY single time we saw each other. I had a fairly high sex drive but shit, sometimes you have a stomach ache or just don’t feel like it or you’re on your period and don’t enjoy period sex! Did that matter? Nope. He’d berate me and kick me out of his house if we didn’t have sex. And if we did have sex…well since I really didn’t want it, I was a little, uh…dryer down there. So he’d get pissed. And of course it was totally my fault my body was doing that. It got to the point that if I had my period or anything I’d make up excuses so we wouldn’t hang out. I guess this one could be considered more selfish from the get-go. I dunno, maybe a bit of both. Also obsessed with porn with a really skewed perception of what real sex was. I later found out he’d only slept with like two girls before me and both were on-night stands. He’d told me they were awful hideous bitches. He had absolutely no idea what healthy, good, real sex was like. He thought porn sex was real life.
3. Everything was my fault, nothing was his fault. He was always right and I was always wrong. There was the sex stuff. If the sex wasn’t great one time, my fault. If I couldn’t get wet, my fault. If I was in pain during sex, my fault. Nevermind more foreplay, changing positions, or taking breaks. Nope, my fault, I’m a worthless bitch. Traffic’s bad? He’d yell at me. I was worthless, as were my opinions. I suggest don’t take that road, it’ll be busy during rush hour. He’d take it and sure enough, busy. All my fault. Get out and walk, stupid bitch. Whether it was a little thing or a big thing, my fault, I was wrong. He’d read ridiculous shit online and got a lot of crazy and incorrect ideas from it. He was super obsessed with stuff like /r/mensrights and /r/theredpill, especially TRP. I’d disagree with one of his statements or theories or whatever and not only was I wrong but ohhhh would that set him off, which brings us to…
4. The Temper! Holy shit. The littlest things set him off. And I mean SET HIM OFF. I remember walking into a restaurant/bar once and it was pretty crowded. We were seeing a movie later and running short on time. There were no seats at the bar and about a 1 hr wait for the restaurant. I suggested waiting til a couple people left the bar, going somewhere else to eat, or just waiting to eat afterwords and maybe grabbing a snack to take into the movie to tide us over. Oh boy was I wrong and those were stupid ideas. He paced around the bar, infuriated, swearing and shouting, looking for empty seats. I was mortified and terrified. He grabbed my arm and we left. All over not being able to grab a beer and some bar food before a movie. Even smaller things set him off, like dropping a fucking potato chip on the floor would be followed by him throwing a tantrum and shouting. I was afraid of him, he’d get so mad over the littlest things. And if something big happened…..fuck.
5. Takes jokes too far. Again, this is one of those constant things. It’s one thing to tease people about things, but there are just lines you don’t cross. As I said, I was very insecure ( my own fault) but he’d tease me about stuff relentlessly and would get to saying actual mean things instead of teasing funny things. I can take a joke. Though insecure, I have a thick skin. I can take a lot of smart-assery and sarcasm. He took it like 50 times too far, daily. That and practical jokes and making jokes to strangers. It wasn’t that he lacked social filters, it was that he chose to ignore them because he found it funny. He’d openly admit he was mean, and said he enjoyed it and thought it was funny.
6. You Can’t See Your Friends. I know have no friends. I still have my old friends but I very rarely see them. He wouldn’t let me. (Granted, I let him do this to me, but as I said being young and dumb and infatuated and insecure contributed). He’d get so angry at me if I chose to see his friends instead of him. Even if I’d invite him too. He’d get pissed and threaten to break up if I spent time with my friends. It was either sit home alone (while he went out) or be with him. Or else he’d get mad. Leading us to….
7. Refusal to Meet Friends/Let Friends Meet You. Yeah, we were together about 2.5 years before I finally met his friends. The entire time we were together he refused to meet my friends or family. Caused me a lot of problems amongst people I knew “Why the fuck won’t your boyfriend come around???” And how do you explain something like that to people you love about someone you love? He never even gave explanations why.
8. Double Standards. All day, every day. He went out and drank with his friends a lot, guys and girls. I wasn’t allowed to, especially not with guys. He drank a ton, but if I drank I had a problem. He’d flip shit if I went out with friends but when I questioned his relationship with one of his female friends, he pinned me against a wall and “how dare you question my faithfulness to you”. I don’t answer phone call/text within an hour and “Fuck you, you worthless bitch.” Then he’d go days without talking to me or responding.
9. Something important to talk about…text only. Yeah. And it wasn’t like because he expressed himself better via writing than orally. No, he just didn’t want to see me cry or be upset by something he’d say. He’d constantly break up with me through text and bring up super important things through text. Not to avoid confrontation, not because he could express it better, but for his ease and so he didn’t have to deal with any consequences. Some things are better said in person, but he never had the decency to do this. He told me that if I cried he’d feel guilty and he “didn’t want to deal with that shit” I at first assumed that he just felt more comfortable talking this way since he was a bit of an introvert. So one day I had a pregnancy scare and told him via text. And oh shit was that the wrong thing to do because “why the fuck would you tell me something like this in a text???” Again, double standards.
10. Communication. This motherfucker had god-awful communication skills.
11. I could probably think of a thousand more but this got long enough. Some of them seem pretty huge now that I write it out but at the time, it was so subtle and happened so slowly. They were little things that piled up. For instance, at first he just didn’t want to meet my friends. Okay, fine, the relationship is still newish, we’re going slow. But 4 months in turned into 6, then to a year, then to two years and so on. That’s how it was. Very subtle at first. And of course very situational. But these sorts of little things could be cleared up with communication. Which he sorely lacked. Had I asked him why he didn’t want to meet my friends, he would have taken offense and said I was accusing him of stuff. A normal healthy person would say “I’m not ready for that yet xyz reason, let’s see where we are in a couple months.” Not him, no planning for the future, and no regard for my feelings or well-being. It all seems so glaringly obvious now, but he was very manipulative and would make me question my feelings of uncertainty and feel guilty and ashamed about my suspicions and doubted my instincts.

10. This is a pretty big red flag

When he wouldn’t let me wear shorts because “No one should able able to see that but me.” Sadly this didn’t actually strike me as crazy/possessive until after the relationship ended.

11. A pushover

A red flag for me is a guy who doesn’t know how to set limits with his family. Someone who doesn’t know how to speak up for himself against his family, letting his mom control his life, and trying to live in the footsteps of his father instead of paving his own road.

12. If you repeat that thinking it’s going to work, you’re crazy

I was with a bunch of friends at a bar getting drunk and towards the end of the night everyone left except one of their friends I had just met that night. He ordered us another drink and I reluctantly stayed. Then he asked me to come back to his home and I told him no. He asked over and over again and then started saying, “It’s not like I’m going to rape you.” He said this over and over and I got the fuck out and left.

13. We can get really weird, huh

There’s a fine line between a crush and overdoing it. I’m flattered if you have a thing for me, but there’s a right and wrong way to go about it. I’ve got two notably weird examples.

I met this one guy in high school while I was out with my friends. He added all of us on Facebook, and didn’t say anything to any of us for about a year or so. Then one night, my friend Valerie got a chat message from him saying, “Hey Vince, what’s going on?” She replied to tell him he’d clicked on her name instead. He replied, “Oh, sorry about that. I was trying to do that quick. While I have you here, though, how’s xAnDeinerSeitex doing? Is she doing well? Is she seeing anybody right now?” Valerie advised that maybe, he should talk to me. He then sent me a message saying, “I don’t mean to be so forward, but you’re the most amazing, most stunning girl I’ve ever seen. And your glasses are so damn sexy.” I brushed it off with a quick “thanks”, because I wasn’t interested. A few months later, he went through and liked a bunch of my photos, and sent me another message, “You just get cuter and cuter every time I see you!”

There was also another guy who I had been loose friends with in middle school and reconnected with in high school. He had a crush on me, but I didn’t reciprocate the feelings and started dating another guy a few months after my “friend” and I reconnected. He was hysteric, screaming at me about what a bitch I am and what a piece of trash the guy is. He then called me at 3AM on a school night to tell me that I’m wasting my time and nobody would ever love me like he loves me, and that the guy I was seeing should “watch his back”. He never did anything more than call me a few more times, and he stopped when I told him I’d get the cops involved for harassment if he called me one more time to vaguely threaten me.

14. Dammit!

Complimenting too much. I understand if you want to compliment me, but every other sentence and I start to think, “Maybe this guys a little weird” and it just gets worse the longer it goes on.

15. If you have to say this, you’re probably not a nice guy

“I’m a nice guy, girls just want to date douchebags.”

16. Don’t be possessive

If he doesn’t trust anyone and tries to separate you from your close friends and family, he’s probably crazy.

17. Really freaking nuts

If he gets into the school system and spends countless hours looking through student pictures to find your name just so he can add you on skype, then he’s probably crazy, trust me. Oh and if he finds your facebook, becomes friends with your friends to get your phone number and messages you every few hours, you can bet he’s crazy. (They were two different people.)

18. If you have an answer for everything

I’ve dated a sociopath (ok, he probably was a full blown psychopath) and the disturbing thing about that experience was that he set off a TON of flags, but every question I asked was answered by something plausible enough or deflected so skillfully that I doubted my gut.

So that became my new Uber Red Flag: men who always have an answer at the ready to every single question or scenario, or who deflect/redirect the conversation so it appears you are in the wrong for even asking questions in the first place.

19. Ain’t nobody got time for that

Comparing me to his mother constantly. Definitely going to be some weird ass neurosis down the road that nobody’s got time for.

20. “Epitome of a pathetic loser”

Stage 20 clinger status. Always found an excuse to come over, even after I’ve repeated told him no. Show up at my door anyway, and conveniently be around dinner so he’d have an excuse for me to cook him dinner. This boy was 27-years-old and is the epitome of a pathetic loser. Long story short, police had to be involved and restraining order filed.

21. He’s got hang ups

If a guy constantly shit talks other women or his ex girlfriends, I get concerned. If a guy refers to all of his exes as bitches, sluts, or whores I’m out.

22. An alcoholic

Save yourself a lot of pain and heartache, if he wakes up in the morning and starts drinking, then continues to drink all day, run far away and don’t turn back. Living with an alcoholic is the worst fucking nightmare that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

23. That’s not very gentlemanly]

A guy I was casually dating was giving me a lift back to my car after a night hanging with some friends. I got a little turned around as it was an area I wasn’t that familiar with and the one way streets were throwing me off. After driving down two streets and not locating my car, he angrily pulled over and told me to just get out. At 2 am. In the middle of downtown Los Angeles.

24. Here’s some red flags

1. Talks A LOT about the friend zone.
2. Obsessed with his own look, and very concerned about how you feel about the looks of other men.
3. Talks about women in terms of bitches, hoes and/or sluts
4. Overly clingy /needy after one date, or worse, feels that you owe him all your time after just some texts.
5. Calls all his exes crazy.
6. And my personal favorite. When a man feels that he has me “figured” out, or can tell me what type of person I am after one date.

25. Oops

He has absolutely no other friends besides you and is constantly available to the point of you being his #1 priority.

This is mostly creepy when you’ve only known him for a few days.

26. Ugh, really crazy

Was still living with my parents at the time, broke up with this guy. Went to my night class at college and came home to find him on the couch crying to my mom about how I broke his heart. The next week he tried to break into my car when I was leaving work.

27. This is a sign of a man who is WEAK

A guy who can’t admit to ever being wrong about anything, even little things.

28. Okay, what the fuck

I was meeting someone for coffee from an online dating site, and I mentioned that he was the first guy I’ve ever met via an online dating website. He proceeded to ask me how many other “dates” I had planned for the rest of the day, how many messages I got per week, and how many visitors go to my page. Not a great start to online dating.

29. Although, if you’re going to say mentally retarded, I’m going to have problems with you too

Making fun of and laughing at a very sweet mentally retarded man who approached me at our cafe table to tell me he thought I was beautiful.

Yeah, there was no chance there was going to be a second date.

30. Good old Facebook!

Creepily commenting on pictures I posted to Facebook over a year ago. Also continuing to hit on me over a period of months even with the knowledge that I’m not interested and I’m already dating someone.

31. Bro code

Just a good side point. If you’re a guy and you catch one of your guy friends pulling some of this “red flag” borderline psycho shit, it’s your responsibility to check that shit, confront your friend, and explain why it isn’t okay. There’s a huge gulf between romcom cute Pursuit and stalk/possessive abuse and it happens when we let it happen and it starts stopping when we start stopping it.

Frances Ha / Amazon.com

1. Do things alone.

This sounds obvious, I know, but a lot of people are afraid to do things by themselves. Go to the movies. Have a meal. Go shopping. It’s going to be okay…I promise, you will survive.

2. Don’t be cynical.

This one is hard because there are times that feel hopeless. There are times when you will be disappointed. There are times when you will feel lonely. Don’t lose hope — don’t create a self-fulfilling prophecy that you don’t want to become true.

3. Travel alone.

It’s weird…at first. But once the weirdness washes away, it becomes a freedom you don’t often have. You get to be on your own schedule and have the chance to spend as much time as you want doing whatever it is that you want to do — all while being in a new place. Explore! Create an adventure!

4. Develop self-awareness.

I’m naturally a big proponent of therapy (you can take the girl out of psychology but you can’t take the psychology out of the girl) so use it to figure out what you want. What are your dreams, goals, desires, setbacks? Explore the little nervous things you do and why you do them (I admit, I will keep talking and say too much because I’m otherwise afraid to let myself be vulnerable with another person — but I’m aware of it and I’m working on it). Explore all of it in a safe place. Who are you and what do you need to feel complete? You cannot expect that to come from another person — that’s all on you. Own it.

5. Foster other relationships.

Family and friends are there through it all. Relationships naturally ebb and flow over time so enjoy the time you have. Offer your undivided attention to others when you are with them (which is a good rule in general — single or otherwise).

6. Learn to feel.

This is another obvious one, and it goes along with #4, but it’s very necessary too. Don’t let feelings build up. Are you disappointed, angry, sad, jealous, or excited? Whatever it is, acknowledge it. Decide what it means and what you’re going to do with this knowledge. Is it a hopelessly single night? Do you want to cry about it? Do it. It’s okay and you’ll likely feel better afterwards.

7. Meet new people.

I am admittedly awful at this. Meet people without the intention of meeting a potential partner too. Just talk to different people; see what others have to say, and step outside of your comfort zone. Drop the self-consciousness and present your honest self (I’m always working on this part).

8. Be honest with yourself.

Did you meet someone you really liked? Did you just accidentally like a Facebook photo from 2007 while you were snooping? Yeah, these things happen — and they will always feel embarrassing. You can either play games with yourself or you can be honest — it’s your move. What do you have to lose if you tell someone you’re interested in them? Wouldn’t you like to hear it? Yes, it’s terrifying, but it’s better than hoping they’ll eventually realize that you’re interested and decide to make the first move him or herself. It can be terribly embarrassing and you may feel entirely silly but if it’s genuine to you — say it. Drop the games, you’re an adult. Be brave!

You should also extend this honesty to online dating. And relationships in general, too. Practice. It will help strengthen your other relationships and further your own self-awareness.

9. Be weird.

On purpose. Do something you wouldn’t normally do — like karaoke (extra points if you do it while sober. Again, I promise you’ll survive — if I can do it, so can you). Be weird, but be safe.

10. Make mistakes.

Live your life, regardless of whether or not you are part of a couple. You will undoubtedly screw up at times, but it’s okay to live your life for you. You shouldn’t have to wait for another person to be able to make moves. Take yourself out on Valentine’s Day or go out for drinks with friends just because. Try out something new. If it doesn’t work out, it’s still an experience to learn from!

This is advice I’d promote to anyone, anywhere, but I’ve found it’s particularly helpful those who are single. Don’t be afraid to be single. Use the time to develop yourself into the type of person you want to be. Learn who you are without relying on another person to complete you. And learn how to be alone with yourself. Because if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself, why should someone else be expected to?

Brooks Brothers / Chopsticks

This is conspicuous consumption at its finest. Really? Who in the goddamn world will fork over (hehe) $350.00 $245.00 for a pair of chopsticks? Apparently the rich, fine folks that shop at Brooks Brothers. To be quite honest, though, who is seriously a connoisseur of chopsticks? I want to meet that person. I have a collection of metal chopsticks that are from my childhood — I remember my parents getting it and they had some blue cellophane on it and my brother and I had the coveted job of peeling those off. This was back in 1995. The Brooks Brothers chopsticks are:

…are handcrafted of Tilis Japonica wood, seasoned for more than three years after being cut. Each piece is then finished with expertly applied coats of lacquer obtained from the refined sap of the Japanese lacquer tree (a very precious commodity as only 200 grams are available from each tree).

Well then, does that mean my chopsticks are worth just as much, if not more? They’re quite old and indestructible. I’m pretty sure the company went out of business. Can I contact Brooks Brothers about this? There’s a limited quantity, so act fast.

Thorstein Veblen would be rolling over in his grave right now.

She was naked and wearing handcuffs.

“You don’t have to do this,” She begged to the camera. “Please let me go…” She tilted her head back and moaned. “Please….please stop fucking me…” She started hyperventilating, like she was having an anxiety attack. Then the video did a slow, unseemly fade to black.

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“So you sold this?” I said.

“I sold all of these,” she said, clicking through the files on her computer window. I saw their titles: “Masturbating for daddy,” “Scat unedited,” “Pissing on leg and dancing.” “You probably don’t want to see the scat, it’s really gross,” she said.

“What do you do?” I said.

“Oh, I’ll take my own shit and rub it on my legs, play with it. Talk about how much I like it.”

I ask her how much she makes. She thinks. “When business is good and I’m selling videos and doing shows,” She says, “Easily 500 to 750 dollars. Per night.”

I had driven in to Indiana, Pennsylvania earlier that day to stay with this girl, Femanonymiss—or so went her alias to the Internet camgirl community. The closest city to Indiana is Pittsburgh, and that’s an hour away. It’s the kind of Appalachian country where, driving through, you’ll see huge, futuristic houses tucked into the trees, and 5 minutes later, a shit trailer park bannered with dirty tarpaulin.

Indiana is home to Indiana University of Pennsylvania, where Femanonymiss goes to school as a sophomore. I found her off-campus address and knocked on the door to an ordinary-looking apartment complex. She answered the door wearing a bunny suit. “Hi,” she said, in a thick Pennsylvania accent.

That threw me off. We had talked on the Internet a couple times before, and she was always flirtatious but not completely—brief and provocative, holding a little back, the charm of a female using sexual attraction as a vehicle for power, or at least financial gain. Accordingly, I had expected her voice to be feminine and seductive. Instead, it was low, weighted and slowed by a life spent in rural Pennsylvania. It was almost like a guy’s.

She led me to her room. Scattered around her room were sex toys, fetish outfits, boxes of envelopes and packaging, panties to wear and sell, even used socks that I would later find out she was selling to someone for $25.

She explained to me how she got started camming. “When I was 16, my friend told me about this website called 4chan,” She said. She seemed surprised that I had heard of it. “There’s rules on that website, like if you’re a girl, you have to show tits or get the fuck out…” She put a proud emphasis on “get the fuck out,” like a foreigner who picked up, and took an affinity towards, a particular word in English. “And so I started whoring myself—putting up naked pictures and doing shows—for attention.”

“I grew up in a perfect, cookie-cutter family,” She continued. “My parents never had a divorce, neighbors never had a divorce, never even heard of a divorce, and I guess this was my way of rebelling and getting attention. And people on 4chan ended up not hating me.” She said the last part with pride. “And then people started to ask me, why do you do this for free? That’s when I decided to start making money doing it.”

“Did they know you were 16?” I said.

“Yeah, I don’t think so…She giggled as her voice trailed off.

Later, I will show my friend, who frequents 4chan, a picture of her. He will instantly recognize her. “Oh, that girl,” He says, then his voice lifting with his eyebrows—“She’s been on there a lot actually.”

Femanonymiss told me that 4chan users, at one point, traced her location and sent a bunch of her nudes to her mom. I asked her if she cared. “Not really,” She said. “I mean, my mom never said anything to me about it. And I’ve trolled a bunch of people too. It’s 4chan—they’re all just a bunch of beta faggots with fedoras.”

I asked her about the weirdest inquiries she’s ever gotten. “I did an attempt to gape video,” She said. “What’s that?” I said.

“It’s like, you make your asshole as huge as fucking possible,” She said. “I’ve also pissed on my leg, done scat. A lot of guys will ask me to make fun of their dick size, because they get off on being humiliated. People have also asked me if my own family members could be involved, like doing something in front of my brother.”

“Do people’s desires ever make you psychologically make you feel uncomfortable?” I said.

“Sometimes I’m just like, you really want me to do that?” She said. “And I think about it, and I’m just like, hope I can do it right for you. I hope I can do a good job, because this really isn’t what I do. I mean, I’ve had people ask me to drink my own piss. And what I think about initially is, how can I fake it. So it’s not even like, why do you want to see me drink piss. It’s like okay, that’s what you want. I want to satisfy you, either way if it’s right or wrong.”

This is where I used to smoke weed,” She tells me as we pull in next to an office building near the brick heart of Indiana. We’re here to do a photo shoot on the roof.

Even though it’s late at night, the door is unlocked. We ride a tiny elevator to the top floor. She leads me to a huge, locked gate. We climb it.

We find ourselves in a dark, expansive room. There’s debris, dust, broken glass, and rusted metal everywhere—the kind of place where you’d lose your foot, from the cut and then the tetanus, if you walked barefoot. If this was a horror movie, this is the part where the bad guy would come out of the ceiling and kill me as she screamed.

With my iPhone flashlight as a guide, she slips off her sweatshirt and sweatpants and puts on her bunny ears.

“Tell me what to do,” She says.

“Look seductive,” I say.

She puts her finger in her mouth and laughs nervously. “That’s the only way I know how to look seductive,” She says, and I believe her. I snap a picture.

We climb a ladder to the roof. Behind her, a clock tower frames her bunny ears. I snap another picture.

Afterwards, we walk out of the office building and back onto Main Street. Students our age line up outside a local bar, packed and buzzing like insects, to get in. “Sucks for them,” She says.

“Doesn’t it weird you out, having this total secret life?” I ask her as we cross the street.

She thinks about it for a second. “No,” She says. “I mean, my biggest issue with my friends is that they would see me differently. They’d get concerned. But I wouldn’t know how to express to them how much I enjoy doing it.”

That night, she offered to let me see a show. She opened up Skype and it was blown up with messages from customers. “Every time I open Skype, it’s like this,” She said.

Some guy messaged her to set up a show. They set pricing ($30), time (10 minutes) and style (“vanilla,” aka not hardcore). “Please be nice to me,” He added.

She called him and immediately got to work. Her voice elated as she went into this bouncy sexual superdrive. She had the smile, eyes and mannerisms of an anime character.

“Alright I’m going to tell you exactly what to do,” She said. “I want you to stroke up and down, okay?” She started sliding a dildo in and out of herself. I suddenly felt awkward, like I was intruding on an intensely private moment, and I slid down the wall to sit at the foot of the bed. I kept my eyes glued on my computer screen, typing down everything that I heard.

“Can I switch hands?” He asked.

“Yes you can. Look at you, asking like a good little boy. You’re my good little boy, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” He whispered.

She continued. “Okay you can go a little faster now. Just be natural and normal. Play with your balls with your other hand. That’s a good boy. You want to fuck me, don’t you? You want to see my tits? I didn’t tell you to stop.”

“My name is Peter,” He suddenly said, with a nerdy and robotic voice. Like it mattered.

She threw her head back and laughed. “Okay Peter. Is Peter my good little boy? Is he gonna cum just for me?”

“Yep,” he said quickly.

I caught a glimpse of glazed boredom in her eyes as she played with her tits. “Okay Peter, you have two minutes left,” She said. “Are you gonna cum?”

He whimpered.

“When you cum I want you to cum in your hand, so I can see how much it is,” She said.

Peter started to groan. “There it is,” She said, and energy shot to her eyes again. She cooed. “Bad Peter,” She said as he exhaled heavily. Things wound down. She smiled at him.

“Thank you for telling me not to eat it,” He whispered.

“What?” She said. “Are you into that?”

“No,” He said, and exited out of the call.

She looked at me with big, weirded-out eyes. She started to put her bra back on. “That was gross,” She said, her voice dropping an octave. “He was this fat 20 year old. He had a really short and stumpy dick. That’s just like, so sad. How can he actually establish connection with me? He just paid 30 dollars to cum into his hand.”

Found on r/AskReddit.

1. Starting off strong

I play League of Legends.

2. Ez lay

Please fill out a 1040 or 1040ez form to file your taxes.

3. That escalated quickly

Your whole family literally just got slaughtered.

4. I’m laughing really hard at this

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

5. Welp

I’ve got diarrhea.

6. Who are you calling electrons

“A Uranium atom has 6 valence electrons.”

7. Yeah…

“Let’s open the spreadsheet and look through those numbers again.”

8. 2-year-old

This is my 2-year-old daughter.

9. Poor dog

We just got our dog’s ashes back from the vet.

10. Whoops

Your car is on fire.

11. *wink*

Pass the salt.

12. Can you wink to this? No?

Your fetus has tested positive for Down Syndrome.

13. Sorry

You have been diagnosed with cancer.

Obtained through a Freedom of Information request by a user named jasonsmathers, this extensive document has about 2,800 entries that have been identified by the FBI.

“With the advent of Twitter and other social media venues on the internet, the use of shorthand acronyms has exploded,” the document states. “This list has about 2,800 entries you should find useful in your work or for keeping up with your children and/or grandchildren.”

Some funny acronyms that people hardly — if ever — use are listed below:

• AWHFY – Are We Having Fun Yet?
• BAGL – Bust A Gut Laughing
• BAM – Below Average Mentality
• BFAM – Brother From Another Mother
• BISLY – But I Still Love You
• BOGSAT – Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around Talking
• BTDTGTTAWIO – Been There Done That Got The T-Shirt And Wore It Out
• CTS – Chuckles To Self
• DITYID – Did I Tell You I’m Depressed?
• DNR – Do Not Resuscitate

And well, you can view the rest of the list here.

After Chile completely dominated Australia (3-1) in their World Cup group match, Chilean porn star Marlen Doll got ready to perform an 8 hour gangbang (that was subsequently increased to 12 hours) that she had promised if Chile came out victorious.

Porque yo soy la novia de todos!! la novia del mundial mas caliente #porchilemeloscomoatodos #larojasipuede RT http://t.co/yXLGy6wIgD—
Marlen Doll (@marlen_doll) June 18, 2014

Photos of the event have yet to appear online.

h/t UPI

If you’re easily grossed out, don’t dare watch this clip. In 2013, South Korea came up with a plunger that you don’t have to hold. It’s a plastic film you put around your toilet — it has an adhesive that sticks to the rim, and you just push down on the plastic, which acts like a giant plastic plunger. Too bad a lot of us are going to feel gross seeing the “things” behind that plastic. Also, what if it breaks? What if it leaks? I don’t want to think about it.

They call it the “Magical Adventures of the Sushi Cat,” but I’m calling it an acid trip. What the hell is going on with these cats? The plates seem to be some sort of transportation that takes these cats to famous landmarks around the world. Don’t believe me? Check out the video. I’m calling it a day.

Found on r/AskReddit.

1. Cosmo

The readership of Cosmo is single women, right? So Cosmo intentionally gives awful dating advice to keep their readership single, and buying Cosmo.

2. Conspiracy about conspiracy theorists

95% of conspiracy theorists are professional trolls paid by the U.S. government to muddy the waters and throw the general public off about what the real conspiracies are.

3. Christian Bale

How does Christian Bale transform his body from extremely skinny to superhero buff back to skinny in just months? It’s not diet and exercise.

He has an emaciated twin brother he keeps hidden away who fills in for roles requiring a skinny Christian Bale. They each share one life.

Christopher Nolan tried to hint at this in the documentary The Prestige.

4. Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking has actually been a brain dead vegetable for years, ever since he lost his ability to speak. In reality, a team of discredited scientists use him as a mouthpiece for hypotheses that are too controversial to be presented by less renowned scientists.

5. North Korea

There is no North Korea. The country isn’t real, and Kim Jong Un is an actor. First world nations secretly decided long ago that their citizens would be more compliant with their corporation-owned governments if they had a supremely negative human experience to compare to their own. So citizens of developed nations feel like their problems pale in comparison, and developed nations can use North Korea’s harmless threats to boost patriotism in their countries.

I mean do YOU know anyone who’s been to North Korea? Oh I know what you’re thinking, North Korea heavily restricts visitors to their country. And where did you learn that piece of information? Your country’s media outlets? The ones that you already know are used by the government to spread the information they want you to hear? Right….

6. Fingerprints

Fingerprints are given to us at birth to act as a human barcode.

7. FREE KONY

Kony 2012 was simply the U.S. Government testing social media users. They found that while millions of users are quick to mobilize on any issue, those users are even quicker to fall back in line the moment they get bored with something.

Bonus conspiracy: They did this because they wanted to see how big the fallout would be once the NSA’s activities leaked. They knew it was only a matter of time, so they made sure it wouldn’t cause too much of a fuss.

8. China and Taiwan

China does not want Taiwan. They claim they do and start making threats every few years so the Taiwanese freak out and buy super expensive military hardware from the US. The US, in turn, shares some of the profits of those sales with China. Repeat every 5 to 6 years.

9. John McCain

John McCain picked Sarah Palin on purpose because he saw the downfall of the Republican party and wanted to speed it along by propelling her and the Tea Party to the front. He wants this because he’s a smart guy and realizes that the country will benefit if we have functional parties, instead of a divided nation.

10. Tea Party

This is just phase 1 of the GOP’s master plan. You see they saw they had no hope of beating Obama in ’08. So they instituted operation “new coke”.

Step 1) give Obama the presidency.

Step 2) using the crazies and racist start up the “tea party”

Step 3)with the tea party win enough house seats that you can gerrymander as many states as possible to secure the HOR for the next ten years.

Step 4) obstruct!! Using the tea party never let the democrats pass a thing.

Step 5) go full derp. This is the stage they are currently at. Up until 2016 they are going to get more obstructive and crazier. They don’t have to worry about losing the house in 2014 because of the gerrymandered districts.

Step 6) people grow tired and start to rebel against the crazies of the tea party.

Step 7) at the beginning of 2016 they are going to start a movement called, “Classic GOP”. Everybody falls in love with these classic republicans. Small government. Everyone loves them. Even some moderate liberals. They take the house, the senate, and the presidency. The government is theirs to pass any law they want!!!!

11. Selfies

Selfies were made popular by the government to help build the facial recognition database.

12. Seasoning aisles

Every product in the seasoning aisle is made by a single company, and most of them contain the same ingredients. This is done so that those wanting a cheaper product buy it, and so do those who are more discerning.

Customers swear they can taste the difference, but unfortunately it’s just the power of packaging and marketing. There have been cases in the past of others trying to get an elbow into the seasoning and spice market but you never hear of them because they’re not allowed to have shelf space in major chains.

It’s a monopoly that’s gone unchallenged for over 40 years now.

13. Starbucks

Starbucks spells people’s names wrong on purpose so they share it on social media thus creating free advertising.

14. College

College is a scam.

It’s a way to keep young people off the unemployment rolls and create the illusion the job marketplace is more robust than it is in reality. The vast majority of what you learn is useless theoretical information you won’t even use on the job but that degree is required because the hiring manager had to suffer through 4 to 8 years of higher education and expects all those beneath him to do so as well.

15. Shays Rebellion

In 1786, Daniel Shays was hired by the organizers of the U.S. Constitutional Convention to start what would become known as Shays’ Rebellion. The Convention was originally supposed to simply revise the existing Articles of Confederation, but James Madison and Alexander Hamilton (among others) wanted to use the Convention to create an entirely new government.

The difficulty in quelling the rebellion cemented the belief that the Federal Government was too weak and made many Americans more open to the idea of drafting a completely new Constitution.

Some “supporting evidence” – Nearly all of the 4,000 rebels were pardoned. Of the 18 men sentenced to die, Shays included, all but two had their death sentences pardoned. The two that were executed were probably threatening to talk.

16. Bush’s Baked Beans

The secret recipe for Bush’s Baked Beans is actually golden retriever meat. That’s why the dog wants to reveal the recipe, but that guy in the polo always stops him.

17. NSA

Whenever you get “lag” or slow internet, the NSA had to censor some of the information that is being received into your computer.

18. Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut is changing the weather, making it rain more. Thus, people avoid/lazy to go outside to get food and ultimately call Pizza Hut for deliveries for food.

19. Nirvana

David Grohl killed Kurt Cobain.

Being a talented singer was David’s dream. he had the pipes, the lyrics, the image, everything. Then he met Kurt and became a member of Nirvana. Kurt knew David could sing, even out-sing himself, so to protect his image, he placed David on the drums, giving David empty promises he will get a chance to sing his song(s) on the next album, or the next.

David was getting irritated by Kurt, getting jerked around by some white boy. Kurt denied his singing one too many times, and David snapped.

Now Kurt is six feet below ground. David suddenly becomes a world known singer in his own band, the Foo Fighters. Who is Foo, and why are they fighting it? Maybe Foo, is fighting those who try to keep you away from your dreams.

20. American Ninja Warrior

American Ninja Warrior is a selection process for the new world. All of us fatties at home watching will be left to burn.

21. Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves is actually Jesus returned. He became an actor to spread the word efficiently, and to touch as many people as possible. He’s had terrible things happen to him as the devil is trying to turn him to the dark side.

22. Anti-vaccination movement

The anti-vaccination movement exists as a warning for non-vaccination.

23. Hot dog industry

Hot dogs are sold in packs of ten while their buns are sold in packs of eight. You have to buy 4 packs of hot dogs to 5 packs of buns to have enough. I suspect that Big BBQ has control of the packaging for these to specifically entice you into buying more.

24. The Westboro Baptist Church

The Westboro Baptist Church is actually a really progressive civil rights organization (supporting LGBT rights, religious tolerance, and other liberal causes).

So Fred Phelps was a prolific Civil Rights attorney before he started the Westboro Baptist Church and took a bunch of heat for his work (his kids talk about how neighbors used to shoot out their car windows). So, what if one day Fred realizes that he’s never going to get his community to come together and support his work. Instead, he decides that the best way to unite people is through hatred of him. So, he starts doing some of the most despicable things he can think of. He publicly abuses a nice woman in court and gets disbarred. He starts being a general dick, and everyone hates him. Then, he starts protesting in favor of things that he opposes. He starts protesting against the most estranged minorities: homosexuals, Muslims, and immigrants. He also gets political and protests mostly Democrats (note: he ran for Senate in a Democratic primary and won about 30% of the vote, and supported Al Gore before going publicly crazy).

He also comes out as a supporter of Saddam Hussein. In the end, Fred Phelps takes the exactly wrong position on everything. What if, instead of being a ridiculously crazy person, he decided that he can have the greatest positive impact on civil rights and liberal causes by rallying people against him (in support of liberal causes)? He could never tip his hand because the game would be over. And he would have to occasionally do things that would make everyone mad so he is still a universally hated person. But, what if he is really one of the best men in America. Willing to sacrifice his own personal reputation and happiness and be the most hated man in the US, so that he can rally the rest of us to unite in favor of gay rights and multiculturalism.

25. Call Of Duty

The government is secretly pushing game developers to make war shooters like COD and Battlefield and market them to kids, so that in several years time when we piss off every other nation in the world, those children who grew up on war games will have a skewed idea of war, think it’ll be awesome, and sign up. That way they can’t keep it a “volunteer” army but brainwash impressionable minds into signing up without knowing the REAL horrors of war.

And someone pointed out to me that this wouldn’t work because of all the out of shape loner kids who play the games, but that’s what boot camp and training are for. Because in a positive aspect, they’ll chop down on national obesity by getting those boys and girls in shape to fight.

26. American educational system

Our educational system has been systematically disassembled, watered down and sabotaged because the govt doesn’t want an educated population. Educated people are harder to manage.

27. Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot and pays migrant workers to go to his house and choke him in the shower.

What’s reality and what’s fantasy? Get lost in our blockbuster summer YA novel here.

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