My son was scrolling through YouTube looking for videos of farm animal sounds or the alphabet song when he asked me to help him find a cow. I typed in “cow” thinking I would get some boring footage of diary cows just standing around in a field that he would watch on repeat 30 times while moo-ing nonstop. What I found instead was something much more bizarre. They video is called “cows & cows & cows” and it’s starts out harmless enough but quickly morphs into an acid-induced nightmare. The channel that created the video has all sorts of other trippy treats, but this one is definitely at the top of the list. Enjoy?
Probably about 10 years ago now, another high school’s debate team was going to some national level tournament. When boarding the flight home after the tournament, security pulled aside the debate coach after finding a loaded gun in her suitcase.
This, of course, left her very confused as she had not brought a gun to the debate tournament. Upon seeing it, she identifies it as her husband’s gun. She had no idea it was there.
The crazy part of the story wasn’t that a gun was found in the bag. It’s the fact that the gun was found on the return flight.
Which means on the initial flight out of DFW airport, she walked right through security with a loaded gun in possession and nothing happened to her.
Kitchen sinks, engine parts, but my all time favorite was the man who came off a flight from Haiti after the earthquake with a suitcase stuffed with nothing but cash and porn. No clothes. No keepsakes. No paperwork from his homeland beyond his passport… Cash and porn.
I process military flights and you wouldn’t believe the crap people try to smuggle to and from operational theatres. Smoke grenades (“I forgot I had them!”) Pen flares (“But it’s not prepared to fire though”) a magazine full of 5.56 rounds (“I didn’t know it had to be empty”) and knives of all sizes hidden behind plates in body armor. (Top tip – you may as well clench the blade between your teeth like Rambo as it’s no less-subtle in a bag – it stands out like a dog’s dick on a machine)
In the defense of most squaddies, they’re tired and bored so they often make mistakes.
Former ramp agent here, we processed an “emotional support goose” apparently it acted as a soothing flight buddy for the passenger…not sure how that works!
Weirdest? A glass case of dead tarantulas. Last week an American guy tried bringing through a fully loaded glock. He was flying out of London so I have no idea how he got it in the first place. Obviously police were called and he was arrested. You also get people bringing through life jackets from the planes, which is a serious offence for which the police get called to arrest then.
One day I was doing a bag check on a strange dense metal item. It was a woman and her son, the item was some weird piece of metal. I didn’t know what it was but I knew it wasn’t dangerous. Anyway, She saw what it was and yelled at her son “DON’T LOOK OR YOU’LL GO BLIND” she whispered to me that it was a kegel exerciser. I re-ran the bag through the X-Ray so the operator could see what it looked like without the item in the bag and he said “what the hell was that” I told him and he had no idea what Kegels were and why someone would need to exercise them.
I gave her the bag back and tried not to die laughing because of her poor sheltered child.
My top 3 as a pilot. I saw a Hatian try to bring a dead rooster and other voodoo trinkets including knives in his carry on.
Also a person put a dead dog that was badly decayed in checked luggage. I would say it was dead over a week.
Hunters ground up their deer put it in cardboard boxes, ducked taped and froze it solid. They expected the mass of the frozen block to keep the meat cool and not ooze blood on to everyone else’s stuff.
As an Airport Security worker, I have seen all kinds of things try to go through, chainsaws, blowtorches and the worst one was a Chloroform, a 1 liter bottle of Chloroform…
Friend works as a flight attendant. She told me about some guy who was stopped from going on a plane because he had a suitcase full of female mannequin parts, head, body etc all taken apart. Apparently security thought he was smuggling drugs, just turned out he like mannequins.
I’m an airline pilot in Europe, had a passenger in Italy present his handgun to us on the flight deck and wanted to know what he should do with it. Turned out he was Italian police and was used to leaving it on the flight deck with Alitalia guys. Our airline did not permit firearms or ammunition anywhere on board. He either had to leave the gun or he couldn’t fly, so he had to offload himself. The scary thing about it was that if he hadn’t mentioned the weapon to us, no one else would have – not the security personnel or handling agent. Needless to say, reports were filed on Italian security procedures.
This opens up the possibility of any police or service personnel smuggling a gun through security for their own reasons or terrorists coercing someone to get a gun through security under duress or similar.
Believe it or not, a high-powered magnet. I’m sure there are hundreds of stories of dildos and other gross shit, but weirdest? Yes, a magnet. This thing was so powerful that, while still in the bag, was ripping off the rollers on our conveyor and literally took 3 adult men to get off. If you put this thing around 1.5 feet from a metal object and weren’t holding it properly it would fly out of your hand. This idiot who was working that day had braces and if I didn’t stop him he probably gotten his teeth ripped out. Just so strange and random. We didn’t let him take it with him.
Seen in Bangkok airport: check-in flight staff sees something sketchy on the scanner, unzips the suitcase to find that a guy is trying to bring multiple bags of water with LIVE exotic fish in them on the flight. He was baffled as to why it would be a problem.
This may get buried but… My friend’s father (whom I’ve never met, thankfully) has Crohn’s disease and goes around with a colostomy bag.
When he travels, he sticks his bundled up weed in the poop bag and goes through airport security, apparently never getting checked. I suppose no airport security wants to rifle through a poop bag. Or they assume that no person in their right mind would want to rifle through their own poop bag in order to smoke some poop ganja.
Either way, most disgusting way of smuggling illicit substances internationally that I’ve heard of so far.
One time flying through Amsterdam a guy had opened his sealed package of expensive duty free scotch and they would not let him take it on. He opened the bottle and took a swig…and passed it down the line of people boarding the flight. A flight that drinks together…stays together or something. (note: Amsterdam security screening is done at the gate unlike most airports)
Hey throw away for this. Cremated cat inside a leather satchel, inside the vagina of an extremely obese woman. Cremated in her fireplace, still had some fur and bones. Kid you not.
We get some luggage flagged as bombs. Funny thing, throwers – sorry, I mean baggage handlers — don’t worry about ticking ’cause modern bombs don’t tick. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the thrower’s gotta call the police.
Nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor, but every once in a while…it’s a dildo.
Of course it’s company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
While waiting for my plane from Cairns, Australia to Darwin and then eventually home to Canada, I witnessed a man wearing nothing but shorts attempt to navigate through security with a 10-foot-long tree branch, with his belongings hanging from one end, tied in his shirt. Needless to say he did not get far.
Mid 30′s man with a deep-ass southern drawl: he’s only got a backpack with him and all that’s inside is a two-foot-long black dildo and a giant aerosol can of butane. I wish I were making this up.
While I have not worked security, I did load airplanes.
Weirdest thing I’ve (un)loaded was a raven. No, it didn’t quoth, but I sure was glad I had heavy duty work gloves!
I worked at the counter in HK airport for a bit over 2 years.
I saw a Mongolian delegation try to take about 5 crossbows through.
Saw a man come off a flight with a rifle.
I’ve seen people with cooler bags of breast milk.
I saw a rabbi with one of these and when questioned over what it was he happily whipped it out of its cover, raised it high into the air and gave it a toot, which we were all in hysterics over.
A common tactic is to put porn in the bag so that the person searching feels uncomfortable and wants to get it done faster, hence not being thorough.
That said I’ve seen someone fill an old laptop with ripped up papers to stop his knife he had hidden in there from moving. He had porno mags in his bag on top of everything and was acting shady in general, so I was thorough in my search. Looking at the laptop I could see papers through the fan vent. My supervisor wanted to wave it off as something normal (who puts papers in their laptop, not normal). So I go to a different supervisor and we take that sucker apart, finding the knife hidden inside. This guy gets taken by the FBI and I later get an award for doing my job properly (which is special at the TSA). I’ve since quit, management at BOS is a cesspool of morons.
My sister worked TSA a few years ago. Mostly she just found people bringing in too much liquid or aerosol cans or whatever, but apparently, people quite often bring whole frozen turkeys through security. She once scanned a bag that was full of turkeys and dildos. In the same bag, just mixed in together. What a delicious seasoning!
When I was working for USAir, TSA notified us that one of our passengers was flying with a checked bag that had around $6,000 cash. It wasn’t in a bundle, or banded together, but just $50s and $100s strewn throughout the bag. The bag looked like the passenger had just thrown random belongings in it without seriously packing, and there was no organization (clothes weren’t folded, etc).
They searched him again, didn’t find anything else, and though it was a suspicious way to travel with money it wasn’t illegal so they let him go. They did give him the cash to hand carry, just because it’s stupid to have cash in a checked bag.
Recently on a flight I was working as a baggage handler, someone had a bunch of weed in their bag. I lifted it and held it close to my chest as it was heavy and it reeked of marijuana. It was a domestic flight so I didn’t really care. However, there were 10+ Mounties on the flight home from a huge cop funeral that took place the day before. Made me laugh at how poorly the weed was sealed and the irony of it going on a flight with a ton of cops.
Well, if by “weird” you mean “rare,” I bet nobody here shares this one: I love women who wear soft sweaters (angora, mohair, etc.). I don’t know what it is, but if a sexy woman is wearing a soft sweater, I’m immediately and irretrievably infatuated.
Can’t believe I’m going to post this, but it’s no weirder than most in this thread.
I’m bisexual and into BDSM, but the thing I consider weirdest is that I’m a wet and messy fetishist.
I like to see girls slimed, covered in mud, pied in the face, or just generally messy. Growing up with Nickelodeon was a strange and interesting experience…
I’ve got a thing for sleeping girls. Yes, it’s weird, but I never acted on it until my current girlfriend.
She’s into it, though, and sometimes as a special treat, she’ll get super wasted and pass out, or take heavy duty sleeping pills and tell me to fuck her while she’s out cold.
Not so weird, but I am absolutely enthralled with public nudity, whether it is in a crowded public area or secluded mountain trail, and whether it is nonsexual or public humiliation/bondage. On that note, girls that flash poorly (pull shirt down, turn around for the camera, then pull shirt back up) or completely spreading themselves is an instant turn off.
Am I the only throwaway account on here that likes the idea of transforming into a woman (I’m a man) and having wild sex? It started out as a fetish for purely lesbian sex, evolved into a fetish involving myself taking part in lesbian sex (obviously as a woman), and these days it can involve myself as a woman having sex with guys and even pregnancy as well (one of my more normal fetishes is pregnant women and insemination in general, so of course it factors in here).
Strange thing is that I’m not gay, or even feminine. The idea of having sex with a man as a man is completely unappealing to me and so is getting a sex change — there’s nothing appealing to me about artificial women (often too ugly, don’t actually function sexually as women etc). It’s all about being a fully functional woman, or more recently a “female” hermaphrodite.
I believe the term for my fetish is autogynephilia. It’s really my only active fetish these days, the rest are offshoots.
Also, I should note another strange thing: I have a perfectly healthy sex life with my fiancée. I rarely fantasize about being a woman unless I’m masturbating alone.
I like my women built, son. It’s so frustrating when my friends and I are scoping out a chick and no one else notices the ass. But not just the ass– the angle it makes with the small of the back. And the rate at which the small of the back arcs into the back.
Also, if you bang on her ass like a bongo, there needs to be a decent sound. That’s how you know it’s ripe, like a watermelon. Her hip bones should make a good woodblock, and her thighs should just have just the right amount of tension to get that kwwww sound.
10. Using a strap-on.
Pegging. Not femdom though, that doesn’t do anything for me. Occasionally I get that itch and would like to have it scratched by my girlfriend.
Expansion fetish here: basically it means I like girls who are going through some kind of transformation process. Originally started out with girls turning into animals and anthro animals, got sick of the animal part, and now I’m more into chicks whose boobs are growing or if their bodies are changing or growing in general… Never told a partner this, seems too hard to work into a sex conversation.
Bald women…I adore them. Luckily I have developed enough game over the years that every woman I have dated longer than a few weeks has shaved her head. Honestly most women seem to think about it at some point and I think when they find out they have steady sex until they can grow it back out they go for it. It can go badly though so be warned.
Weight gain. Yeah, I know — this one is really weird. The most common time this comes up is if someone grumbles that they gained some weight, or they’re stuffed, or their pants don’t fit.
Sometimes I watch shows like The Biggest Loser and get really aroused looking at the before and after (imagining them reversed, of course), or thinking about the people who were kicked off the show and will gain it all back. The most unrealistic fantasy is my s/o somehow getting fatter and fatter as I have sex with them.
As a Jew, one of my biggest fantasies has always been to sleep with a German girl. And I want her to yell at me in German the whole time, like only an angry kraut could. And I want to give her the hate-fucking of a lifetime, something that would make Golda Meir proud.
I want to watch my girlfriend fucked by another man. Just thinking about it turns me on. It would make me view her in a 100% sex-object-like way, like watching a pornstar get fucked.
It would also make me jealous, but not in a bad way. More like a “Oh yeah? Now let me show you how its really done” kind of way.
I thought I could never tell her this, but we recently had a big night out a club and wound up taking some E’s. In a fit of ecstasy-fueled honesty, I admitted my fantasy to her and she got super excited by the idea. She even wants to do the reverse and watch me fuck another woman.
I know all this probably sounds really messed up. Obviously this is a throwaway account.
I’m way more into a girl’s hair than I can explain. Length, color, style…girls who change it up frequently, or do something a little unusual, will always get 10x the attention from me.
22. Urine!
I have a bizarre fascination with piss. Sometimes I feel great about embracing it and sometimes it’s the most embarrassing thing ever.
I don’t really obsess over them or have some collection of armpit porn or anything but they turn me on.
I love my girlfriends armpits, the way they smell, they way they look, shaved, unshaved, stubbly, whatever. I’ve came on her armpits before and fucked them with lube.
Sneakers. I’m really not a fan of shoes that are traditionally considered “sexy.” I don’t like heels, or really anything open-toed. I like some boots, but again, not a fan of heels. I really love a girl in a pair of sneakers. Less jewelry (if any), less makeup (though most people subscribe to the “less is more” school of thought in terms of makeup), no nail polish, less “sexy” clothes, and sneakers. That is what I love a girl to look like.
I’m an adult baby. I’m into being diapered, dominated, and babied by someone. I’ve got tons of paraphernalia including bottles, an adult sized pacifier, tons of diapering supplies and diapers, stuffed animals, and onesies and other baby clothes. My boyfriend even has an adult sized nursery at his house for me. So I think I win this thread.
Cold limbs. That’s really the only one. I’m happy to stall the actual sex for a long, long time if I can just caress her freezing cold arms and legs and run my lips over them.
I have posted about this before, but guys with Asperger’s syndrome turn me on incredibly. There is something so sweetly gentle and innocent about them that just makes me want to… DEFILE them.
I’m into furry stuff. I’m bisexual when it comes to furry porn, but not with actual people (totally straight in real life).
I’m also a voraphile: this means I enjoy fantasizing about people (and animals, furries, etc.) swallowing me, and me swallowing them (occasionally). It’s mostly the “being in the throat” that turns me on. Also, large bellies (mostly from someone being in the stomach); this is probably an extension of the vore fetish and is sort of a pseudo-pregnancy-fetish.
I did an AMA about this a while back. Maybe I should do another one since this one was so long ago.
Oh, and I’m a zoophile too. Never actually done that, though, and probably will keep it confined to my fantasies.
Feeder fetish. Not to the extent of the movie feed or anything like that, I just really like fat girls and I like to watch girls indulge in food. I always encourage girls, even those that I have no interest in, to eat. If I’m at a restaurant or cafeteria with a girl and they are trying to decide between two things I’ll suggest both. Or if they’re contemplating dessert I’ll tell them to go for it.
I was going to post under a different account but what the hell. I love girls with big eyes. I like to take my dick and poke them in the eyes, although I do it gently. I know it might be frowned upon but I can’t help it.
So today in incredibly bizarre news, a Seattle couple had their home broken into and, though almost nothing was taken, several strange and seemingly random things had been done to their belongings. According to the Seattle Police Blotter:
Someone—or something—had torn open their mail, spread clothing throughout the house, smeared lotion on a door handle, removed the inner soles from all of their shoes, screwed a single screw into a piece of scrap wood—which had been crammed into the space between a door and its frame—and placed an upside-down can of paint on top of their toilet. A purse, containing a 27-year-old woman’s ID card, had also mysteriously appeared on top of the couple’s bed.
The police arrived soon after their call and dusted for prints — it turns out 50 dollars had gone missing — but found nothing. Shortly after, the couple called police again because they heard noises, not unlike a “dying possum or raccoon, coming from under their bed.
When police arrived, they found a 27-year-old woman who weighed approximately 90 pounds, and “appeared to be having a panic attack” who had been holed up under the bed (where they also found a kitchen knife). Upon further inspection, police also discovered hypodermic needles in the bedsheets and a few locks of blonde hair scattered around the apartment.
The meth-addled 27-year-old has been dubbed “The Meth Banshee,” and she likely entered the home by climbing up a tree and coming through an open window. The “Meth Banshee” is currently in police custody.
Monday only has 3 shirts, all of metal bands. None of them ever appear to be washed, but perhaps that’s just because they’ve been put through the ringer so often that the original shine has long since faded.
Over the past four years, Monday has spoken in class approximately 3 times. Instead of interacting with his peers, he drinks about 4 cans of Snapple a day — the high school equivalent of coffee.
2. Tuesday
Tuesday is the Luna Lovegood of weekdays. She’s a bit aloof, and because she doesn’t really adhere to traditional high school social norms she doesn’t have a ton of friends. For instance, she’s spent the last few years sitting at the Magic The Gathering lunch table just because their conversations are by far the most interesting. She’s developed an ever-growing, and unknowingly flirtatious friendship with Thursday, who deeply admires her for her fiery independence and confidence.
English teachers love Tuesday, as she’ll always be the one to ask the discussion-stirring conversations. She really likes the book The Awakening. She’ll most certainly attend a small, liberal arts college and become a college-level champion snow-shoer.
3. Wednesday
Wednesday is the President of the National Honor Society, captain of the field hockey team, vice president of Key Club, the leader of the “Say No To Drugs” club, and a member of about 44 different extracurricular organizations. You’re not sure how she does it all, given that she seemingly has a decent social life and maintains one of the highest GPAs in the school. If you were her, you definitely would’ve had a nervous breakdown by now.
4. Thursday
The most popular girl in school just broke up with her quarterback boyfriend. Her next target? Thursday.
Why?
Thursday is an up and comer — a kid who’s always hung out on the fringes of middle and high school popularity, but was self-aware enough not to get too involved with that stuff too early on; knowing full well that’d it just lead to a debilitating drug habit, early fatherhood, and zero post high school potential. As a senior, Thursday has really come into his own. He’s got the uncanny ability to relate to anyone — even Monday, and especially Tuesday. He’s in the honors classes and puts in the work, but never appears to let it get in the way of his burgeoning social life.
If that wasn’t enough, he’s having a party tonight. On a Thursday.
5. Friday
Friday is seasonal. In the fall, he’s the football stud. In the winter, it’s the aformentioned popular girl who somehow pulled off that insane New Years Eve Party. In the spring, it’s the prom couple everyone’s jealous of. Friday isn’t so much a person as it is a trending topic.
When it comes to the high school caste system, Friday is the Iron Throne — everybody wants it, but you’re probably not gonna be on it for long. There’s too much competition at the top. I’ve gotta imagine it’s even more brutal nowadays, as one wrong social media move can ruin you.
6. Saturday
Saturday is not a school day, so Saturday is the kid who, although is enrolled in your school, isn’t exactly there for that. Let’s say he’s the high school defensive end — who leads the team in sacks, but more impressively leads the school in classes missed. He’s been suspended for fights a few times over the years, though the school has kinda shifted more into embracing his role. Every school needs a Saturday. He’s also got a great fake ID.
7. Sunday
In my high school, there was this legendary human who, although is doing rather swimmingly right now, really would’ve killed it in the 1950s. From his hair, to his cultural references, to his opinions on Joe Dimaggio, he really would’ve dominated in that era.
One time, we had this school-wide assembly. There was a bit of a lull, leaving us high schoolers to do what we did best — crush some T9 texting, play “slaps”, and flirt with the person we liked for the 14,568th time that year. Next thing we knew, the entire 500+ person auditorium was being treated to a rather spectacular rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon.” A minute or two later, he left to a standing ovation.
This is the legend of Sunday. He beats to his own drum, thinks they should’ve stopped making movies after The Godfather, and embraces his aura in a way that not only makes him likeable, but unlike any other day of the week you’ve ever encountered. It’s a shame we didn’t graduate the same year, because he’s gonna be in really incredible form for the 10 year reunion.
PS – Thursday goes to prom with Friday. Halfway through the prom he realizes he’s made a crucial error, leaves prom, drives 70mph while blasting Justin Timberlakes ‘Not A Bad Thing,’ pulls up to Tuesday’s house (prom wasn’t for her), knocks on her door, and fiercely makes out with her with Not A Bad Thing still blasting through the open car door. Tuesday and Thursday spend the summer before college in a short-lived but spirited romance, which becomes immortalized through a best-selling novel written by Tuesday almost two decades later. The movie is adapted into a major Hollywood movie by none other than Thursday, who is now big-time movie producer. Tuesday and Thursday, although separately married at this point, share the Executive Producer credit.
The movie is so successful they end up making a sequel. The sequel is much worse than the original, because c’mon — nothing can possibly be that perfect.
This is from a French reality show about “living in the skin of a black person,” where people are transformed into a different race and then see the world through those eyes. In this case, a black family is made white with makeup, and I have to say, the results are pretty damn convincing. You be the judge for yourself.
Don’t be mad at us, please! We didn’t mean to. Gomenasai! Titled, I Want Risa Yoshiki to be Angry at Me, this particular TV show unleashes her fury on the audience. She tackles topics like lecherous men, not listening to people in conversations, and blaming problems on other people. Good on her, but please, stop yelling at me!
Weird for cutting my hair into a pixie style at the age of 9.
Weird for starting an all-girls band called “Super Troopers” in the 5th grade (I wrote all the song lyrics, and every melody was to that of a Spice Girls’ song).
Weird for the guys I like.
Weird for choosing theatre over sports.
Weird for being so expressive.
Weird for having a boisterous laugh.
Weird for feeling best in oversized t-shirts when my breasts are real and spectacular.
When you’re younger – like after training bras but before no bras (college) – all you want, all you know, is to do your absolute best to “fit in.” You have no idea who you “are,” so what the hell else are you expected to do? You’re certainly not going to mimic your parents style and personalities (at least, not yet), so really all you have to go off of are your peers. How they dress, how they act, their interests, their everything.
Going into freshman year of high school, my middle school was merged with another middle school, which meant new, cretinous 14-year-olds to study and pick up “cool” cues from. In a matter of months, I went from Emily to Emma and never looked back (yes, my real name is Emily. Let me know when you’ve calmed down from the shock). I tried my best to fit in. By way of the drill team, I found myself surrounded by a number of beloved peers – the girls who apparently set the example of what fitting in looked like and had been making out and letting teenage boys’ fingers poke and prod their genitalia before I had even properly french kissed.
“There’s an old term: cookie cutter. It means to be and look the exact same as everyone else around you. Same style, same language, same life path, same behaviors and beliefs. A modern-day expression for ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.'”
It wasn’t until I was a senior in high school that I started to really feel out of my “weird.” I’ll never forget the first “weird” outfit I donned with clear-cut purpose and every glimmering hope it would be noticed and pointed out. I was making a statement – an announcement. “I think I’m a little ‘weird,’ y’all and I’d like you to take notice now.” It was black and blue plaid bootcut pants, Chucks, a pale pink t-shirt with my summer camp’s logo imprinted upon it, and a multi-color scarf haphazardly swung around my neck. It made no sense and I loved it. I looked at the girls around me – all matching, all carrying designer bags and wearing Juicy Couture tracksuits – and realized this isn’t me, it’s never going to be me, and I don’t think it would even want me if I wanted it.
There’s an old term: cookie cutter. It means to be and look the exact same as everyone else around you. Same style, same language, same life path, same behaviors and beliefs. A modern-day expression for “Keeping up with the Joneses.” That day – the day with the black and blue plaid pants – was the day I realized I’m a mahfuggin’ brownie, y’all.
And it’s not easy being “weird.” Well, let me take that back. It’s super easy for me because that’s just me being me. But, when put up against society’s pressures, that’s when the weird sometimes doesn’t play in my favor. Never once had I ever imagined the entirety of my young adulthood would be streamlined to perfection. In fact, I think I can say I’ve known from the moment I’ve been able to think thoughts that my path was going to be quite bumpy and full of potholes and construction.
I didn’t graduate college and move in with my boyfriend.
I didn’t graduate college, move in with my boyfriend, and get engaged.
I didn’t graduate college, move in with my boyfriend, get engaged, and have a wedding with an impossibly witty hashtag.
I didn’t graduate college, move in with my boyfriend, get engaged, get married, and announce my pregnancy a year or two later.
I didn’t graduate college, move in with my boyfriend, get engaged, get married, have a baby, and announce my second child a year or two after the first.
I didn’t graduate college, move in with my boyfriend, get engaged, get married, or have babies. I don’t have straight hair. I don’t have wavy hair that I straighten and curl. I don’t think Jennifer Aniston is pretty and never have – in fact, I think she’s plain as can be. I hated “The Notebook” – I thought the acting was horrible and couldn’t make it halfway through. I’ve never had a big group of girly girlfriends. My thighs have never not touched. I can count on one hand the times I have partook in a clubby club. I have more nightmareish dating stories than the fake ones in Cosmo and could entertain a group of married couples for days. And, I’m super hairy.
I’m weird.
To some people’s standards, that is.
But I love it. I wouldn’t know how else to be, and the moments I have tried to mold myself into that cookie cutter shape, I’ve come out as the super deformed cookie that pretty much fell apart in the oven, but someone’s gonna eat anyway out of pity and hanger. I don’t fit into that mold and the mold doesn’t fit me.
And, sure, I’ve cried about it. Yes, I’ve been angry about it. “What’s wrong with me?” and “Why do these guys on Hinge never like me back? Is it because I’m not blonde?” are questions I’ve asked to the sky and to my friends and family multiple times. I’ve wished to be thinner, I’ve wished to have butt-long, perfectly wavy locks, I’ve wondered how it feels to have found “the one” so early on and not have to deal with half the shit I’ve had to deal with when it comes to penis. I’ve been envious and have beaten myself up – I’m only human.
But, when it comes down to it, the older I get, the more “weird” becomes a compliment. Oh, so you mean I’m not like every other person you’ve ever met? I surprise you? I confuse you? My choice to layer a long shirt over a long dress doesn’t make sense to you? The fact that I sing most phrases annoys you but also secretly entertains you? You worry about me because I don’t have a ring on my finger or a demure, reserved persona? GOOD. Let’s keep it that way, because it’s more interesting.
Any day of the week, I’d rather be the girl at the gym who breathes awkwardly loud while jogging and simultaneously almost drops her phone onto the treadmill while releasing a fart than the perfectly put together athlete with resting bitch face (because that really did happen Sunday. So.).
Keep calm and keep being weird as hell, y’all. But not like “Keep Austin Weird,” because that just means smells and weed and tie-dye to me. I mean like, accidentally farting on a treadmill and hating raw blueberries weird.
Lmao I was trying to do a panoramic bit my sister kept moving. But doesn't this look like me thieles sub?😂😂😂 http://t.co/5efYlc4V4U— Eve Noble (@evenoblee) February 22, 2014
I tried to take a panoramic of my ring then I realized that's not really possible and this is what I got lmao http://t.co/pENwM1fjET— ♡ sosa ♡ (@notjackiedub) June 06, 2014
1. Removing long hairs that have somehow fallen down your back and gotten stuck in your butt. Especially in the shower.
2. Scratching your butt, especially after you’ve spent long periods of time sitting down.
3. Keeping your hands in your pants/underwear, not for any remotely sexual reason.
4. Having full-on serious conversations in the restroom with family or friends while relieving yourself. And then lying through your teeth if they ask where you are. But it just feels good to talk on the toilet seat.
5. Taking your bra off as soon as you get home and throwing it across the room. There is nothing like that bra-less feeling at the end of the day.
6. Taking your bra off and immediately scratching your bra marks for a good, solid minute or longer.
7. Inspecting your face in the mirror and pulling out random hairs, usually in the most unwelcome places like your chin or upper lip.
8. Having full blown-out conversations with yourself (while pretending it’s with another person) especially when you’re a.) mad at someone b.) have a crush on someone.
9. Having a crush on someone and not only stalking the living day lights out of their internet presence, but once that has been done, researching everything from their heritage to their music tastes, just so you can get acquainted with it all. And of course so you can impress them the next time you see them.
10. Stalking yourself on social media for long periods of time, just to see how other people perceive you online. Then making necessary changes even from posts from YEARS ago.
11. Looking for blackheads to pop, whether those babies are yours, your significant others’, your bff’s, a parent’s, etc. – the satisfaction of popping it is like no other.
12. When you’re by yourself, pretending you’re the star of some romcom and practicing laughing at some hot dude’s jokes. Or pretending you’re in a music video and going crazy on the dance moves in your living room.
13. When it’s your time of the month, and a sad song or cute ad comes on – or you’re just watching a romcom – and you start bawling your eyes out. Then you start thinking, “Why am I crying?” Which just makes you cry even more.
14. Eating entire family-sized meals by yourself when you’re PMSing. And feeling no shame about it whatsoever in the moment.
15. Standing in front of the mirror naked and doing some sexy poses, just so you know how they look when you try to practice them in front of people.
16. Standing in front of the mirror and grabbing onto your love handles just to see how your body would look without them. Right before you dive into a plate of cheese of course.
17. Obsessively searching for your one or two grey hairs. And you’re so rabid about the whole thing, it looks like you’re looking for a tick.
18. Going to second base with yourself by cupping your boobs, and not realizing what you’re doing until 30 seconds later when you’re like, “What’s going on? I am just watching TV by myself.”
19. The pleasure of plucking out your ingrown hair. You first pick out the skin over it, then you push the whole thing out and watch the pus ooze out.
20. Practicing your laugh and having full mirror conversations with yourself right before you go out. Just to make sure you’re every bit as cool as you think you are.
21. Sitting alone and tucking your belly pouch in your pants to look like you have less of a belly.
22. Hunching your shoulders over so your collarbone pops out, and running your hands along it so you feel all sexy and pensive.
23. When you have a crush on someone you picture making out with that person, and end up making out with a pillow or something.
24. Wearing sexy underwear for no good reason at all, just to check yourself out in the mirror. Or to go to sleep.
25. Practicing your smile/smize in the mirror numerous times until you feel you’ve got it right.
26. Studying every inch of your body naked in the mirror to find the angles no one can ever see you from.
27. Deconstructing every aspect of the food as you’re eating it, so you can enjoy it in a very specific order.
28. Pretending you’re in some sort of photo shoot, and going all out on sexy/corny model poses in front of your full-length mirror.
29. Practicing sexy things to do on dates, such as jutting your collarbone out and running a finger along the rim of a glass.
30. Inspecting your butt in the mirror while you’re naked, just to be aware of how good it looks or how many more squats you need to do before it looks how you want it to.
31. Stealing a guy’s sweater and spending an entire day just smelling it/breathing it in.
Want more writing like this? Check out Thought Catalog Books anthology “Girls?” by clicking here.
There’s a picture of me as a 3-year old on a giraffe. I believed and told a lot of people it was a real giraffe until I turned 19 and looked at the picture again (after being questions about the story by my girlfriend) – definitely not a real giraffe.
2. Auto-impregnation
As a kid, I used to believe that your body somehow knew the time you got married and therefore automatically made you pregnant after (exact words I thought). I didn’t know that any kind of sexual activity was involved. When my mother became pregnant with my younger sister, I remember arguing and getting so mad about this and telling her she was wrong and I was right (she kept saying no and couldn’t stop laughing).
3. The Death Chorus
I believed that when you die, a parachute sprouts out of your back and whooshes you up to heaven.
4. The Poop Villain
I believed that the act of defecation was orchestrated by a sinister-looking man who spends most of his time lounging on a hammock inside your ass, but every once of a while he rolls a giant boulder down the chute like he’s bowling.
5 Hot Tub Phobia
My dad told me that if you touch the very bottom of a hot tub, you get sucked in. It freaked me out and I still am not the biggest fan of going into hot tubs.
6. The Piper
My mom used to tell me that if I whistled at night, snakes would come and eat me.
7. The Horny Laugh
I thought if I cried and then I laughed, it meant I was going to grow a horn from my butt.
8. The Watermelon
I was afraid of eating watermelon seeds because someone told me they’d grow in my stomach and kill me if I did.
9. Fingernails
My uncle told me that if i bit my nails then they’d never digest and eventually they’d fill my stomach and I’d die. I, of course, believed him but continued biting my nails thinking that one day I would just fall over and die.
10. The Phantom Limb
Believed for a long time, if you stick your arm out the window it would fall off. Parents told me that one, siblings played along. (To be honest, it still freaks me out enough not to do it.)
11. The Chupacabra
My dad always threatened me with the chupacabra when I was little. I always knew it wasn’t REALLY true, but like. It was a goat-sucking demon, anything’s possible. Anyhow, I moved into my apartment two years ago, only to learn that my next door neighbor’s dog is named Chupacabra. I’m really not okay with it and am not sure why I haven’t yet moved.
12. The Pepperoni
My parents told me that pepperoni gave me nightmares as a baby, so I stayed away from pepperoni for years and years. I finally tried it recently, and nothing. It was all adorable lies.
13. The Funny Face
I really thought that if I made a funny face and someone smacked in the back of the head that my face would really stay like that. It was brought up in conversation a couple months ago and only then did my dad tell me it was a joke this whole time.
14. Vampire Bats
My Grandpa told me that all attics have bats in them, like living vampire bats that would bite you and give you diseases. He was kidding, but I legitimately believed in the presence of evil rabid bats until I was about 17 and was invited to an attic party and had to get over it. Even then, I felt afraid.
15. Cracked out
I believed that whole “step on a crack, break your mother’s back” thing, like I would avoid cracks in sidewalks, the grout of tiles, everything. Then one time I slipped while trying to skip one when I was 13, fell down a hill and ended up in the emergency room. Safe to say that explaining what happened was mortifying, especially because I believed that I’d saved my mother’s well-being.
16. Bagina
Until I was 15 years old, I thought the word for a girl’s “private parts” was “bagina.” Yeah. Like, with a “B.” On my fifteenth birthday, I was trying to brag to some guys that I had gotten to third base with a girl (I hadn’t, obviously) and I kept bragging about her “nice bagina.” That went well.
17. Growing Pains
I thought that show “Growing Pains” was about the actual feeling of pain you get when you grow…like I didn’t get the metaphor. There was a character on the show named Boner and that was all I knew. So when my Mom told me I was having ‘growing pains’ when I was getting taller, I said, “Oh, like Boner?” She thought I was telling her I was getting boners. It was weird to talk about boners with my mom before I even knew that I was having them. Still can’t really say or hear “boner” out loud without cringing.
18. Citrus Fresh
We used to use a counter cleaner spray, like to clean the kitchen, that was called “Citrus Fresh.” My family speaks Spanish at home, but my Mom would try to teach me things in English whenever she could. One time, I pointed to an orange like “I want that” and she said “citrus fresh!” because she was excited to use the term. For the rest of my life until I was a teenager, I thought that the counter cleaner and orange juice were just different versions of the same thing. I straight up thought everyone was just drinking a cleaning product and it was okay. Still thankful I didn’t apply that sort of logic to bleach containers and milk cartons.
19. Bald Balls
When I was ten, I overheard a bunch of older guys who helped coach my baseball team talking about shaving their junk. They said girls like “bald balls.” As soon as there was hair to shave, I was shaving it all, thinking that what girls wanted most from a guy was some freshly shaven, baby soft testicles. I believed that until college, and now I see that those guys were probably joking.
20. Icy Spicy
I thought ‘Icy Hot’ and ‘Old Spice’ were the same thing because the containers looked similar…I just thought ‘Icy Hot’ was like a marketing ploy to make ‘Old Spice’ seem extreme. Imagine my surprise when, before my first real date ever, I rolled on that Icy Hot like it was deodorant, cologne, and the solution to all of my hopes and dreams. It was my nightmare.
21. Dialed Up
Was convinced that every time I used dial up, a little guy working inside some big computer would see my request and then grant me permission to enter, and every time it worked I would knock on the screen and say “thank you!” This went on for years. Sometimes my wifi connects and I find myself exclaiming my gratitude aloud…even at a crowded Starbucks.
22. Damnation
Growing up I sincerely believed that having sex would damn me to hell. I mean, I guess some circles probably still do believe this, but I was so messed up about it, I ended up completely destroying a very loving relationship because I was convinced that the sex basically ensured we were going to somehow be punished or die. I was 17. … Yeah.
23. Testicles, TENTACLES, Same Difference
Okay so my family and I were going to a seafood restaurant and we were talking about calamari and I was trying to say that I didn’t like the tentacle part and instead I said I didn’t want to eat testicles and I literally have not lived it down yet.
24. Santa Scholar
I used to believe that Santa stopped time to be able to get to all those houses and all those kids in just one night. Not only did I completely believe in Santa, I had elaborate theories on how he conducted his business. Nobody corrected or stopped me, they all played along completely seriously. Much to my dismay, I was laughed at endlessly at the lunch table in third grade when I presented my hypotheses to my classmates. I still have a ‘crazy girl’ complex. Still.
25. Vikini, Bagina, Whatever
I called it a vikini for a really long time, and my mom didn’t stop me because she thought it was funny.
In the spirit of all things spooky and weird as hell, here is a 7-foot-tall clown named Puddles Pity Party singing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” at the Regency Lodge Ballroom in San Francisco. Let this haunt your dreams, nightmares, and ‘Hallelujah’ cover playlists(?) forever.
If you didn’t think the idea of going to IKEA (and subsequently having to assemble the furniture) was terrifying enough, here is a video to freak you out if you’re sensitive to Stanley Kubrick flicks. IKEA Singapore published this video to promote a spooky contest, but the video itself is pretty great if you’re a fan of ‘The Shining.’ They do a good job of copying the signature camera movement and ambient aesthetic of the horror classic. I was hoping this would be a promo for ‘Shining’ inspired furniture, but alas, it would appear we must wait another year for a ‘Blook Soaked Malm Foyer Rug.’
Apparently, this is a clip from a Slovakian TV show. The uploader claims he doesn’t know anything else about the show, except that it gives off a really creepy vibe. The video seems altered after the 30 second mark, with the audio and video sped up, lending to the creepy factor.
I’m very proud of being from New Jersey, land of Bruce Springsteen, scrappy self-reliant entrepreneurs, good pizza, and agitated neighborhood bears. One time, I was stoned and thought I saw a cute dog and started to approach it for a quick cuddle. It was a black bear. I did not go in for the cuddle. Here are two New Jersey bears doing what New Jerseyans do best: chewing each other the fuck out.
I am…very confused by this. Especially at 2:30 when the guy singing on the sample comes in. What is this? I don’t know. I support a lot of creative exploration, but this…this rapping over a stock ringtone- I don’t think I can. Is this a bit? Someone help.
Right as you’re driving by, the lamp dies. You’re thinking about someone or a thing you can’t get off your mind, and you look up, and it’s like someone is hitting a light switch in your brain.
2. When your text doesn’t send
You write an entire novel professing your feelings, hit send, immediately regret it, and then see that it didn’t send at all. Could it be? Yes. Someone loves you.
3. When you see the doppelgänger
You think you saw that person from your past, but you didn’t. It was just someone who looked like them. But then you walk into McDonald’s the next day, hoping you don’t see anyone you know, and wait…is that— it is!
4. When that song comes on
There’s always *that* song that comes on, the one that makes you think of them, makes you sob, right at the time when you feel like you need a goddamned sign of something, and there it is.
5. When you’re in a rush
You’re praying for every light to be green, and suddenly it’s like you haven’t seen a red light for miles. Every left turn you have to make goes without interruption from oncoming traffic. The roads feel smoother.
6. When you’re thinking of them
You pick up the phone to text the person you’ve been thinking of, and there they are.
7. When the radio redirects you
You’re driving and your favorite song is on, but then, static, and you start hearing different stations through the interference and every word you hear is like someone directly speaking to you. You stop like, uh, are these voices in my head? Is this my mental break? The song comes back on and you’re left wondering what just happened.
8. When you get the fortune cookie that is too real
So, so stupid. This can’t be a thing, right? I can’t actually be reading into a fortune cookie’s message right now? Whatever. This fortune cookie is giving me more guidance than I’ve received from my own parents in months.
9. When someone says the thing you were thinking about all day
For example, I was once on a plane with a friend and I was thinking about Beyonce, at a time when she wasn’t in the news and we were in Rome and we hadn’t been very ~in tune~ with pop culture. I started to think about her hair. My friend turned to me an hour later and said, “I wonder if Beyonce is still blonde.” And I know that’s a very broad topic, but come the fuck on.
10. When a song you hate comes on and suddenly it’s like you not only get it, but it was also written about you
You’ve heard this stupid song a hundred times, but today it aligns with your thoughts. It slides right in and activates a weird animal impulse in your brain; it’s your anthem, your battle cry. How? Why? You don’t know, but you go home and listen to it until you cannot hear anymore.
11. When someone is in your dream and it’s not them but you know it *is* them and they do a *thing*
You have a dream with someone in it, maybe someone you’ve been seeing. It’s that person, you know it is, but it is also somehow not that person? They have a different, weird face? But you know it’s them. They do something weird that you don’t like and you forget it when you wake up. Then you see them in person, they make some weird hand gesture, and suddenly it all floods your brain like the blood in the lobby in The Shining. You can’t even look at them the same way anymore, as if the universe whispered a secret in your ear as you slept and it made you realize some fundamental truth about this person that you knew all along: they aren’t right for you. Never were.
